Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

Yes, sure I'm angry because I am sick of reading posts where people excuse crap dads, hold them to such a lesser account and then tell the mum in the situation all the things she should be doing.

And the problem is it translates into real life too because it perpetuates the same ideas that mums are expected to do way more than dads.

So yes I do find that makes me angry and I will continue to call it out.

God Bless You 💚
Most surely you don't need to explain to anyone how upset you immensely understandably were😢
So natural to cry & much healthier to express hurt than suppress which then oftentimes results in depression 🫂
Can't believe someone criticised crying, such a normal healthy human emotion 💚We're not robots, especially when our Beloved Children are disrespectful & unkind to us
How cold & uncompassionate of someone to sit in judgment of being human & Your Loved Ones were not even aware you were in tears
💚🫂💚

We can’t advise the ex he isn’t the one posting here.

We nor op can change his behaviour. She can only change her expectations of him.

Yes that’s letting men get away with it blah blah blah. But what’s the other actual alternative? There isn’t. You cannot force a shit parent to be a good parent. You cannot force someone who doesn’t want to help, to help. It’s really that simple.

Men are held accountable by their peers and the only time they will give a shit what a women thinks about his behaviour or actions is if he actually cares about her or is trying to sleep with her.

So he will want to look good to his mother, his work colleges and the next person he wants to sleep with. Thats why they will play Amazing dad and man when a new gf comes on the scene. But we as women cannot change their behaviour just make sure we run a mile when they start to let the mask drop.

Don’t be fooled by those men who slag off their ex’s as crazy, don’t be jumping into making new babies with part time eow daddies. Don’t be moving these hobo sexuals into our homes. Don’t lower our bars to let the loser men in is the only way we can help ourselves.

You sound very angry.

Sure in an ideal world someone would make a post online about how the ex should do this or should do that and it would happen through the magic of mumsnet. But being realistic, let me be clear - There is absolutely no way that the OP or myself or you can change the ex's behaviour....... even if he were on here and reading / engaging with the post. Only the ex can change his behaviour if he ever is reflective of his behaviour and makes a conscious decision to change - which mostly does not happen. I speak from experience of having a very nasty ex and a disabled child.

I know from experience that there is nothing that I (or OP) can do to change the behaviour of an ex. He clearly isnt happy doing the journeys so it is going to impact on the OP and children if she continues to rely on him. The best way to approach the situation is self-preservation / distance from him and self reliance with support from proper support services (not reliance on an ex) - which is what I proposed in my response.

As part of self-preservation of the situation if it were me I would apologise for ordering the delivery to arrive at the 11th hour hence causing the ex to be delayed in his long journey to take them on holiday. It will smooth over things (which will improve the situation for the OP). I would then avoid relying on him again. Sure he is their dad but he is also an ex and an ex for a reason. Sure he should do this and should do that and do it with a smile on his face and willing attitude but thats not the reality of toxic situations and broken relationships.

The OP already has a hard enough life supporting her children and supporting a disabled child. Why make things worse for her by setting unrealistic expectations of what the ex's behaviour should be like if he were a devoted dad to his children. Its just not reality.

I understand you want your Ds to have a nice time, but your ex is your ex for a reason and I think there needs to be some separation. I’d be a bit fed up too, tbh. I’d still do it, because I wouldn’t want DS to miss out but I’d be very resentful at feeling like I had to be at my ex’s beck and call because they couldn’t develop some level of independence. I appreciate things are hard Op and you don’t deserve the name calling. I think extra thought needs to go into the logistics of the journey next time? Does DS qualify for any kind of support/respite care/transport? I know it’s hard but you and ex are not together any more, so the dynamics of your relationship have to change.

Really? I know several & do it myself too.

Works really well for the kids and everyone involved.

"YOU should do this.."

"YOU could do that..."

Where is the advice for what the ex could be doing?
The ex who doesn't look after his kids 50/50?

The ex who can't and won't take his disabled child out on his own?

The ex who speaks badly to his children's mother in front of them?

The ex who doesn't reprimand his child for speaking badly to his mum?

But, yes, of course there is plenty of advice for the mum here. As always.

And I really hope the OP doesn't apologise to that horrible man? Have you actually read the thread through?
Apologise?? Are you for real??

The OP has already explained that she has failed her driving test four times. It's not like she hasn't tried.

She also talked about this weekend away with her ex and he agreed to drive them before she booked it. She said she wouldn't have booked it if he hadn't agreed it was ok.

The "Why don't you drive?" question wouldn't need to be done to death if people actually read the thread and the OP's posts instead of jumping in on page 15 with daft questions.

Firstly I know its hard being a single parent to children let alone a child with complex needs / disabled. But the thing is that unless someone has lived your life and walked in your shoes they dont really get how hard it is.

I get that you were wanting the holiday for your son and that is lovely. But the practicalities of doing so mean that you relied on your ex which was destined to be tense regardless. The result is agro and upset and arguments which means that the holiday became unpleasant - in which case achieving the opposite of what you hoped for.

I think your ex is really good hearted to agree to drive you and kids 1.5 hours to a holiday destination in the dark. For him thats a 3 hour round trip and approx £30+ in petrol. Plus it probably feels uncomfortable for him - so he has prioritised you and kids for that. So I do understand his frustration at arriving for the long journey to find he has to wait for your delivery to arrive first - that would really annoy me too. He is right that it should have been better planned. But I get that its difficult to be really organised when you are on your own supporting a disabled child.

I think you should apologise to your ex and show appreciation for his efforts - that would go a long way towards smoothing over the tension.
You need to be more self reliant - when considering a holiday look for something easier to get to. It doesnt need to be so far away for the kids to enjoy. It could have been 45 mins away and still be good. Or further away but on a train route. Find a holiday that is more accessible. There are things you can do here in future to improve the holiday and be more self-reliant. There are also holidays for single parents and disabled kids - google it and look up some organisations and make contact for next year. Instead maybe ask your ex to chip in some money for it rather than him providing transport.

You could also look at getting an accessibility card for your son to enabled disabled access to events / days out so you can do these kind of things with him too. Also make contact with your local carers association.

You may have done this already but you can ask for a carers assessment from the local authority to ensure you are being sufficiently supported. You can also apply for carers allowance.

Anyway dont let it get you down. Learn from the experience and move on with life. I hope you can move on past this and enjoy the rest of holiday

Why don't you read?

Well that's nice for you. I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than playing happy families with an ex shortly after a break-up. I actually get on quite well with my longest term ex and we see each other once in a while, but the reason we broke up is because he drives me insane and whilst I'm always happy to see that he's happy and doing well, the thought I always have when I hear about his latest misadventure or his next self-destructive plan is "Thank God he's not my problem anymore!" Luckily, my child's father and I are happily married but in the unlikely event of splitting I'd be aiming for amicable but separate. If we were happy to sit together and have meals and go on family days out then it would beg the question as to why we were even broken up.

You should probably look into mediation services. He is definitely laying the foundations to "rescue" your eldest son from you, both to hurt you and so that he can play the single dad, in the lowest stakes way possible. This is exactly what I expect my ex to do with our AuDHD son when he's older, medicated and able to self care and self soothe. That's why I'm keeping a dossier of all of the times he's endangering our son or opting out and how, as our son's ADHD behaviour is peaking, he's seeing him less and taking him on less activities as well. Keep on tracking and logging those patterns of behaviour. Coercive control is now a crime and it's starting to be recognised that it worsens at the point of separation.

In which case, whilst it would be lovely if he could find it in himself to change his ways and do some healthy co-parenting, I can’t imagine he would, from what you’ve said!

I completely understand the impulse to sacrifice yourself and your own emotional wellbeing for the benefit of your child- but as your ex can’t be trusted to behave in emotionally healthy ways, then I’d probably in your position, find workarounds.

Its such a shame because I can read through your posts that you’re someone who would “make it work”- sadly though it takes two!

Big hug OP.

In terms of things like holidays though, there are definitely trusts out there to support parents of disabled children with things like that. Have a Google X

I dont know anyone who acts like that once split. Its not the norm amongst my friends, peers etc.

It’s worked for almost a decade, so 🤷‍♀️

Your ex is a vile, selfis pig and if you want your son to be like him then continue as you are. Don't arrange things that allow him to treat you in this way and require his involvement. You cried all the way there? You should have been furious. Stop martyring yourself, it's a road to more of the same. And sort your son out while there's still time.

That's an agreement that you've met with your exDH and I'm glad it works for you (although these types of arrangements often fall apart when other partners etc. enter the mix which causes all kinds of issues for the relationship between the children and stepfamilies) but that's not what has been agreed in this scenario.

She very clearly does not like her ex.

He very clearly holds a lot of resentment towards her and feels bitter about the break-up. In fairness to him, the last thing you need when you've just been dumped is to hang around with your ex for hours on end. Regardless of whether he deserved to be dumped or not, which he probably did.

The time for asking your ex for a favour is when the dust has settled, not when everything is raw.

Your ex sounds like he is laying the groundwork for parental alienation.

Was he abusive when you were together OP?

Interesting- because my exDH and I firmly believe that despite no longer being together, our child and we are still a family. And that’s our “line” “daddy and I are not a couple, but together we are a family”

And we choose to behave in such a manner that means we can spend time together in enclosed spaces, and do things for our child, that may mean supporting the other parent.

We do this for the benefit of our child, not one another.

In the absence of an abusive history etc. it is possible- I know many divorced parents who do as we do- but it’s interesting that the very idea of such a thing has been met with such hostility on this thread.

I don't think it's reasonable to leave someone and ask them to continue to facilitate the things you want to do. I appreciate that these are things you want to do to benefit your children but you're not a family anymore and you both need to learn to parent independently of each other.

I can see why he feels like you're having your cake and eating it.

I won't weigh in on the arguments between the three of you except to say that it highlights that its not healthy for you all to be spending time in enclosed spaces.

The point of the post is that she booked a holiday she couldn’t get to because she doesn’t drive and therefore her ex had to drive her. Why don’t you drive is a very relevant question…

If it’s because it is impossible for her to do so then relying on her ex makes more sense. If she is choosing not to do so it makes less sense. The reason it has “been done to death” is because running around someone who could drive but doesn’t want to is a constant pain the ass.

Wish you and your son all the best, glad you are having a great time.

You chose to take your son on holiday during your time with him and therefore it is your responsibility to manage that holiday. During your exes time with him it is his responsibility to manage any activities/holidays he does with your son.

Unless there is a really good reason for you not to drive, you need to learn to drive. For your son. I’m assuming he has a lot of medical appointments and will likely need your care for the rest of his life.