I feel like my life is over!

Send her to her fathers!

Why on earth do you allow her to speak to you this way?

In the very gentlest way, you're actually not giving her what she truly needs. Instead you're just giving her what she wants which is totally different.

Allowing her to dictate to you and call all the shots isn't actually helping her or even making her genuinely happy. Deep down she needs you to take back control and be the adult here. It will actually make her feel more secure and less anxious.

Look up luscious locks they are an amazing charity for alopecia sufferers. The weaves and wigs they make are so real looking.

Hope you're out with your friends OP x

First time poster here, I really feel for you & felt compelled to reply. I have alopecia myself (although it started in my early 20s so appreciate that I was not a teenage ball of hormones!). Developing alopecia is a blow but it absolutely does not give your daughter licence to be abusive, trash your house, or dictate how you behave in your own home. You’re being far too accommodating (too kind!), changing your life to suit this.
Your daughter can’t really refuse to ever again engage with the outside world; but just because she is choosing to (for now), she shouldn’t take you down with her.
I can’t speak to how to change her behaviours; physically, I don’t know the extent of her alopecia but the new JAKS inhibitors can be wonder drugs. But for you, life must go on, you’re in charge and she needs to accept that. Please go get a drink!

Currently you are allowing her to control and manipulate you. It's no good for either of you to let it continue.
Bad things happen to good people even teens, she isn't the only teen in her school going through something terrible, albeit her hair loss is visible whereas bereavement or other things might not be. But it can not consume you both.
Get help yourself if she eon't get help, it might help her to see you doing it first

You need another person or you will end up in some weird dynamic where she never leaves the house and you are her enabler and slave.
Are there any support groups that you or she can join. There must be something. Mayne you can do together.
Even doing something like yoga or art class together, you dont have to be good at it, a beginners class you can do in something together to start the process of getting out the house and speaking to people?

I think her going mad about it would guarantee I'd be pouring myself a big 250ml Friday night red.

Stop letting her control you. She needs to see that life isn't all about her. Sounds harsh but it's true. The more you succumb to her wishes the more stuck in a pit she is going to be. She needs to realise that things can happen outside her control but life still goes on and nothing bad happens to her. I feel you're just perpetuating her worries about EVERYTHING, it's almost as if by going along with what she wants is telling her that yes, she DOES have a right to be worried about it. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

She sounds horrible. Don't give up everything for her because you'll soon have nothing.

Regarding her aggressive behaviour, I really feel for you and strongly recommend You seek professional support for this which would be support for you rather than her so you don’t need to rely on her engaging. This was life changing for us. There are a bunch of organisations, but I recommend CAPA first response . The support they put in place would probably help with a number of things not just the aggression.

It sounds so difficult for both of you. As others have said, it also appears she may be trying to exert control on areas she feels she can control - including you. This doesn’t sound healthy for either of you. I think you need to start gently introducing some boundaries.

Is she a member of any alopecia online youth groups? I would imagine they exist snd might help gently start building her confidence.

A friend does a lot of work engaging school refusers in fun ways. Her opinion is that there is this huge push to get them out of bedrooms and offline immediately. But it’s often far better to meet them where they are through safeguarded sort of curated youth groups online that build confidence to meet ups etc.

The fact that you say you were allowed to go out smacks of an abusive relationship. She's the one deciding to be at home all the time and she's got no right to have any kind of say in who you see and where you go. She's got way more power than she should have and you really need to change that. Alopecia is awful but that doesn't mean she can boss you around like an abusive partner

It is the only control she has, she can't control her hair loss. You are her safe person, you need some support, it isn't okay she is horrible towards you, I understand as I went through this with my middle daughter and thought my life was over but it does get better

Well you need to tell her to stop, if she hoovers over you while on the phone go to a different room & shut the door.

I think it is more complicated than self pity. She needs to learn she cannot control you though, she has the capacity to learn. I found validating my daughter's feelings so instead of saying of course people don't hate you, you are a lovely girl I changes it to it must be really difficult for you to feel this way and how can I support you. Get yourself a glass of wine even if you have it where she can't see you.

Well that’s just daft. You’re an adult, you can have wine in your own bloomin’ house!

It’s such a shame she won’t engage in counselling. It sounds like she’s trying to control everything when she’s lost control of the hair situation. Understandable but she needs to find different ways to deal/cope.

Tell her you are an adult, your allowed to have a glass of wine. She doesn’t control your life you are her mother not the other way around! Good grief.

This doesn’t give her a free pass to keep you prisoner. She needs to get over it & be greatful its just bloody hair! People go through far worse and don’t behave like this. If you allow her to continue she will only waddle in self pity forever.

This sounds horribly difficult for you.

I think you need to look after yourself as well and let her know that whilst you will spend time together each evening, there are also other things you will be doing. If you want to have people round, I would just give her advance warning so she can eat and be upstairs away from visitors (if that’s her preference).