I feel like my life is over!

Maybe you have finally got through to her Op. you need to remember you’re the parent, she’s the child. She doesn’t “allow” you to do things, that’s your choice. I can imagine alopecia is awful, especially for a teenage girl. But that doesn’t mean she gets free rein to treat you however she wants. You need to be a partnership to get through this together, not against each other.

I listened to a podcast recently, the girl being interviewed lost her hair at 13. If your daughter will listen to things like that it might help her feel less alone? This was the one I listened to -
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/should-i-delete-that/id1602088590?i=1000603842413

Ahh I really feel for you. I have alopecia myself so know how tough it can be and my dd has anorexia and can be very difficult. I say this with the utmost kindness and sympathy but you really do need to put in some boundaries to take back control. Just start small with e.g. a glass of wine and let her know she cannot control what other people do, that it's fine if she chooses not to do something but she can't force other people to do the same. She needs to learn she can't live like that. Then she needs a real consequence if she acts out.

dont allow her to wallow in bed
make a fresh start with her, speak to her about a turnaround

Agree with others, you need to stand up for yourself. Don’t let her ruin your life. She sounds incredibly selfish tbh

Oh OP. Coercive and controlling domestic behaviour doesn’t have to come from a partner. It sounds a horrible way to live and like you are on eggshells and scared of your own daughter. I really feel for you. I imagine this has gradually happened over time and now you’re feeling a bit trapped by it all.

It is possible to be supportive and empathetic to her needs while also being assertive about your own feelings and needs. You need to take the power back a bit. Take the time to think of some phrases you can use that acknowledge her feelings but assert your own decisions. You wouldn’t accept this treatment from a partner or a friend, and you don’t have to accept it from a teenager.

Hows it going @Melocoton

You're in such a difficult situation but you need to keep this ship afloat and you need to maintain your mental health in order to do this.You're the adult and you need to socialise and have a life in order to cope with the difficulties at home.

Well I'm certain this isn't the case I still have to ask, you're sure she actually does have alopecia? That she isn't pulling out her hair or shaving it as a way to gain all the power in this relationship over you, because if she didn't have a medical condition, you probably wouldn't be letting her get away with most of the things that she's getting away with. She really does have it right? She's not faking it? Sorry to ask I know that's insensitive, but doesn't sound like it's beyond the realm of possibility.

One more little thing, is it not possible for her to go live with her father? It sounds like she has a better relationship with him in so much that she loves to mimic his abusive verbal styling, and she likes to spy on your conversations and repeat them to him, perhaps she would be happier with him. I think you definitely would be happier with her not in the house.

I'm sorry OP... I know that you feel guilt about the fact that you have divorced her father, and that you feel a form of guilt / sorrow slash empathy for the fact that your daughter's got a medical condition that's causing her to lose hair, but seriously, she's being abusive to you. Yeah I know I know, I hate to throw that word out there because we all use it too often but seriously, she is!!!

Just think about this for a minute:
She refuses to go to school. She refuses to let you leave the house. She refuses to let you have people over. She refuses to let you have a glass of wine or any other alcohol. She trashes the house if you try to do anything for yourself. She refuses to do any work around the house. She won't let you date (she "forced" you to break up with a lovely person who you really enjoyed spending time with because she was angry with you for dating him) She eavesdrops on your phone calls, she takes notes of things that you say in private telephone conversations and then repeats them to your ex so that it can be used as verbal weaponry, she repeats the same hurtful and hateful words and tone that your ex (who you divorced!) used, but you can't divorce your daughter.
This is not sound like you are trapped in an abusive household?
Cuz that's what it sounds like to me.

I voted YABU because she's clearly ruling the roost there. I sympathise with her condition, but her behaviour toward you and staying in bed all day is unacceptable.

She clearly needs some sort of help. Can she take courses online? As hard as it must be, she can't stay holed up forever.

You gotta start somewhere OP, well done for getting out.

I think you do need to start pointing out she's an idiot and an unpleasant one - making threats like this, monitoring calls - she can F off, little madam.

But mainly - just crack on.

Are you scared of your daughter @Melocoton? 😕

Youre giving your kid too much power. Shes a kid and doesnt understand that you arent feeling strong within yourself

You will grow to resent her by doing this, when she is just being a teenager. She isnt forcing you not to go out or meet people, shes moaning about things that anxious teens moan about

You are the adult, not her. You can have friends, a life and she will fall in line once you start to get a routine going

Stop treating her like your enemy, she isnt forcing you not to do anything.

Best of luck with social services and cahms and her health journey

Time for a bit of tough love op. It’s so easily done to identify with/validate/have such intense sympathy for teens that we go too far down the rabbit holes of anxiety and dysfunction with them.

I have huge sympathy for you as I let one of my teens take her anger and frustration out on me during Covid and looking back it wasn’t remotely acceptable. And it really got me down too. It didn’t help either of us is the point.

I know how it goes though. They are so up and down that you don’t want to set them off, so you accommodate and let them get away with things that in no way you would accept from a stranger.

Yes their brains haven’t finished growing yet, they don’t mean it personally, they are not fully aware of the effect their behaving is having on you and they need your love more than ever, but you also need to invite your friends home, be able to go out, and act as a good role model and demonstrate how an adult handles stress and enjoys life with positivity (within reason) and resilience.

Ultimately what you do , and how you live your life, is a million times more powerful then what you say.

I hope you have gone out. It’s hard but you can’t let her control you as she is doing. It’s not healthy to enable her by giving in. She needs to learnt the world won’t cave in if she loses a bit of control. Small steps at a time.

I voted YABU as you are for allowing this to continue

OP while your daughter is going through a tough time, you are the adult and parent, I’m always constantly amazed at the about of people who let their children dictate what happens. Yes it’s a shame your daughter has alopecia but that doesn’t stop you going out for drinks or having friends round. Set some boundaries and stick to them and don’t be a wet blanket.

Why are you allowing you DD to dictate when you can have visitors or when you can go out? She I sold enough to be left alone for a few hours for you to meet up with friends.

Op if she carries on love maybe she should go and stay with family and give you a break? Can she stay at her dads? Does she have any grandparents?

Would that be something her father would have said? She sounds simply awful and she’s abusive. I think you need to get some support OP but well done for getting ready and please go out, can you confide in anyone what’s going on at home? It may help.

She sounds like she is giving you a hard time anyway!

Go out - you need some time with friends and a change of scene.

PP are right. What are you going to do, sit in with her every evening til you die?

Is there anything else going on here other than alopecia? Her behaviour is a million miles from normal.