I feel like my life is over!

OMG call her bluff! Tell her that she should go and live with her dad as she would obviously be happier there. They sound like kindred spirits in their treatment of you. She's your daughter and you love her but to outsiders like the posters on here, she is very unkind and her behaviour towards you is definitely abusive.

Surely she can just go and live with her dad if she is close enough to him to team up with him to abuse you?

You don't have to put up with this behaviour or this living arrangement. Your ex-husband has just passed the abuse baton to your daughter and she is gleefully running with it.

Oh come on! You are in an abusive relationship. Your daughter has just taken over from your ex-husband.

She is 16 so you can leave her alone to go out and socialise as she won't let you invite people into your own home. You are being bullied by your own daughter who sounds like a chip off the old block (her father obviously, not you).

Agree, call her bluff. Her behaviour is unacceptable and you shouldn't be expected to just roll over and accept it.

So she won’t go to her dads but also she’s going to go live with him?!

Great. Off you pop. Pack a bag and put it on the doorstep and say you’ll catch up in the new year.

Seriously she has huge problems. Are you sure she’s NT?

OP, she’s sixteen. You can tell her that if she hates living with you so much she can go to her dad or leave. Let her go. She sounds horrendous.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this situation. You may find a book called “Stop walking on eggshells” helpful- good tips on how to set boundaries

I think you might have to call her bluff and let her go and stay with her dad - I can guarantee that he won’t tolerate her controlling behaviour and be honest, can it actually get any worse? She needs to realise how supportive you are and the only way she will be able to do that is with a bit of distance. This is no way to be living - also, as hard as it is, be firm with it because if she detects ‘guilt’ coming from you, she will play on this. Eg if she keeps bringing up the fact you let her go and live with her dads you need to calmly state ‘yes, because you were physically harming me’. Good luck OP - it’s not easy an easy situation at all 💐. PS I know someone who behaves similarly (needing to control household and same attitude around alcohol) and she was diagnosed with Autism and OCD as a young adult.

Read this post to yourself again- allowed? How can she allow or not allow you do something? Who is the parent here? If you want to have alcohol at home, it's not her place to stop that.

You need to nip this in the bud. Sure she's going through a crappy time. Alopecia must be awful but she's manipulating you and you're not helping her by letting her walk all over you.
Yes divorce is hard for everyone. It doesn't give someone the right to dictate others lives. You need to start telling her no and soon before this gets out of hand.

Try contacting the little princess foundation. They may be able to supply her with a real hair wig?

Kindly, you need to stick up for yourself. You are the adult and yes she is having a shit time - but she cannot dictate who you speak to, when you speak to them, or whether you choose to have a glass of wine or not.
it must be incredibly difficult for you, but you need to live too.

If anything it's better to model what a healthy fulfilling life looks like for her rather than joining in her misery.

you are being a pushover OP. Go out!!!!

why are you staying home for someone who isn’t even nice to you and trashes the house

Well done.
Tell her she is welcome to move out if she's not happy. Thats it.
No further discussion.
I have the greatest sympathy for MH issues, but not to a point where I would accept being abused and controlled.
It reads as actual coercive control of you.
She cannot behave like that in real life, so she might as well start realising that.

Keep saying it, "if you cannot be reasonable and respectful then you are welcome to live elsewhere, your choice, but this is MY house".

I know many will say you can't do that, but we teach people how to treat us, including our children. We teach them how to have respect for themselves, respect for us, and those around them. Lessons for real life.

The whole world does not revolve around them, despite what they want.

If she is ever to lead an independent life, perhaps sharing with other adults, she needs to learn to be respectful of other people.

You can love your children, be very supportive of them, but still insist that they treat you with respect.

Not alwsys easy, but definitely doable.

Good for you Melocoton!! Having a friend over, the kitchen full of nice things to eat, having a little social visit, I'm so proud of you.
Your daughter finally pulling herself out of bed at 2:15 p.m., then storming off when she found out that you're having a friend over, well I really really hope that when your friend leaves, you do NOT cook a separate special meal for your daughter. She was awake, she had an opportunity to have a shower, get dressed properly etc, and be presentable for when your friend was over. Not that she would have joined your conversation, but she could have had something to eat with you... And preparing a separate special meal for her after you've just prepared a special meal for you and your friend, no. You missed out. I'm sure you have cereal in the house I'm sure you have some fruit, I'm sure there's a glass of milk around, all of those things are fine to eat when you've missed out on eating as a family.

Just remember, post whatever it is that you want to post here, most people are very supportive, and when you post it, go back and read it to yourself only instead of it being your daughter, imagine that the person you're describing is a man.

(For instance, my boyfriend who spends all day in bed dragged himself out at 2:15, and I told him that I was having a friend over for tea, he got mad, stormed back to his room, didn't come out during the visit, and then when my friend left he demanded that I cook him a special dinner for him and expected I would do it right away...
You see how that sounds like domestic abuse? How if you wrote that, everybody would be telling you to dump him and leave him... Which of course you can't do unless your daughter ends up going living with your ex... But just remember, this isn't normal. This is not a normal parent child situation, this is not normal human behavior, and 100% you should not accepted and suck it up as some of your very strange IRL friends suggested. It's easy for all of us to say this stuff because we're not living with it 24 hours a day. We're not emotionally invested. Although I'm sure everyone who's read this post is thinking of you, and we wish we could help you in some way. I guess it's just our words that can help. Hopefully they have been some help.

But I'm so glad that you had a friend over today and I really hope that your daughter didn't create too much drama afterwards for you.

Do you think she’d agree to a walk in the dark to find Christmas lights? It’s cold, so bobble hats would be necessary. Tell her there will be hot chocolate when you get back?

Apologies if it sounds simplistic, but I know fresh air helps a little bit with MH .

Oh OP, you really are not helping her by handing her control of her home.
That only makes her feel worse as she isn't old enough for that power.

Take it back very firmly.
If she wants to leave home, go and stay with her father, help her pack.

But be very clear, this is YOUR home and you decide YOUR life.

If shd becomes violent, call the police.
Also contact Women's aid for advice.

She has too much power and is now an abuser.
Irrespective of her mental health issues, she doesn't get to abuse you.

Do not listen to ridiculous people telling you to suck it up.
You need your friends and a life.

This is really sad situation for you both

I’m guessing your daughter is feeling she has absolutely no control over her life but what she can do is control you, it’s not from being mean it’s from feeling scared

My ds went through a similar phase when they were family changes, he became so anxious and didn’t want to leave home, this then became more about controlling every day life and just refused to engage in any therapeutic support. I was in a position where I could discuss this with a psychologist and took their simple advice keep to boundaries. You can never force anyone to engage in therapy until they are ready to. Set a new small boundary and keep to that, then again set a new one keep to it. Do not make huge changes all at once but the importance is keeping to them. I had to be harsh and it felt incredibly cruel (it wasn’t that was my guilt) but gradually it got us through

he was later diagnosed with ADHD but I feel that advice was the best I got but it really was challenging for myself

Reading your posts @Melocoton it sounds that it is much more than about alopecia. There’s a lot to unpick. Sounds like your ex was abusive? Maybe you need some counselling on how to assert your own needs. Maybe some scripts on what to say to your DD when she’s being abusive towards you would be helpful? You need upskilling so you know what is best for you both without caving due to guilt and her emotional pressure. Neither of which is good for either of you.

I’m glad to see you got out but you shouldn’t need to hide it from DD, that’s just another lot of stress on top (the worry of what will happen if she finds out).

It’s also worth keeping in mind that for some neurodivergent children, their emotions can be much younger than chronological age. That doesn’t mean what she’s doing is OK, far from it. But it may be worth discussing that with your own counsellor (should you choose that option) so that any techniques should be adapted to suit DD’s emotional age.

Ahh good! There are probably loads of positive stories of people with alopecia out there! 😊

You need tell her your not going to stay home to pacify her as you will become socially isolated and that’s not good for you and it’s not fair of her to ask or expect this of you. You have done everything you can for her she refuses to engage she’s controlling you at this point go out at every opportunity she won’t change unless she has to.

Who is the adult in this relationship?

Seriously OP get a bloody grip of this situation!

Allowed.
Allowed.
Read that again will you.