I feel like my life is over!

This is coercive control and abuse. Time to live your life and stop letting your daughter bully you because that is what it is

I totally agree with this. There's give and take, then there's ridiculous.

How long are you going to let this continue @Melocoton ?
When are you going get a bloody grip?
Would you put up with this at work?
No you wouldn't.
I said it before
I'll say it again, you are letting her get away with this behaviour.

I hope she’s getting help for her condition, must be awful for her.
However you have to carry on with your life as you wish, she has to learn that life goes on and somehow she will have to cope with this condition, harsh I know, but your allowing her to hide away and you have now become her only focus.

it needs to stop she has choices and as difficult as it is, she needs to see you getting on with yours, when she misbehaves just get in the car and go out for bit, let her see that her bad behaviour has consequences.
She has to start engaging but won’t if you don’t stop doing what you are, it’s kind of like being cruel to be kind, best wishes and I hope she gets something sorted , must be so tough.

OP this sounds really hard. I don’t have the same issue but I can relate to how you feel a bit as my DD is very attached to me at 18. She had cancer at 11 and although treatment was over years ago, it has left her with medical conditions which can make her anxious and affect her mental health.

She isn’t violent or aggressive in any way but I can feel really guilty when I choose to do things when she would prefer me to prioritise her. I have had to set strong boundaries in place so she knows she will have time with me but that I am also going to do other things.

I can’t offer any advice and lots of others on this post have done but just a bit of solidarity and understanding. It does sound like her dad makes things much worse and probably she has seen how he has treated you so thinks it’s ‘normal’. Time for you to show her that it’s not. For both your sakes!

This is parental over-accommodation. You need help to turn the tables so that you are parenting rather than the child making the rules for you to adhere to.

Honestly I think ringing the police and reporting her is the way to go.
Ring 101 and ask for advice.

She is violent and abusive and I think she needs a dose of reality.

Trashing your bedroom?
Get her removed.
Let her father have her.

I honestly don't care what is going on with her, abusing you and being violent needs dealing with firmly.

Shd thinks she controls you.
You need to wake up to the fact that she is a controlling abusive manipulative person.

No parent owes their children the right to be abused by them.

I haven't read all responses but having suffered from hair loss as a teen it really does impact you mentally.

May I suggest a hair system? It isn't a wig but sewn into your own hair to look very natural and completely life changing. It can be expensive but in my opinion absolutely worth it.

Have read your update so have edited my post... It also sounds like she is being very manipulative.

I'm so sorry OP. this must be grim but I think somehow you are have to be firm with this nonsense as it's turning into control.
Start with something small-go out and don't take no for an answer. Build up to 'yes I am going to have a glass of wine' . Try not to take the sh*t she's throwing at you. 'Do not speak to me like that'. Is that possible?
Is there any advice out there? Supported youth unit? Something. Sending sympathy and support.

You are doing so well by starting to set boundaries OP. It sounds incredibly difficult. Hats off to you.

VJ Hamilton does some brilliant podcasts on autoimmune conditions and hair loss. She is a nutritionist and scientist who had alopecia herself.
https://open.spotify.com/show/7Bl4s4oGo8j6OlhzPHNISF

Regarding your ex, I found Looking Behind the Mirror so valuable in healing from emotional/narcissistic abuse:
https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

Let her.

Sorry to be blunt but what the fuck are you thinking letting your child control your life?!?!

Look at my user name OP. Comment made to me on several occasions (including by my own DM!). What these people don't understand is that I used to suffer from alopecia and for about 7 years wore a wig then it grew back and there's no way I am ever cutting it again. This aside I understand what your daughter is going through. The only acceptable hair loss in women is for cancer or similar, and don't mention scarves! Wearing a scarf is a form of 'cultural appropriation', not ethnicity related, but against women undergoing cancer treatment. As it happens I also used to be an LSA on a programme for young adults who for whatever reason were or in danger of becoming a school refuser so may be able to help in other ways.

However, I am not going to write about the teatment side of my alopecia on a public forum but if you would like more information on my 'hair loss journey' feel free to DM me. I may take a while to answer (busy week ahead.) but will do so.

I’m so sorry.

What do you do during these meltdowns?

You do need to be in control of the situation. Diffusion techniques involve words along the lines of ‘i will not allow you to speak to me like that. We will talk when you are calm’, and walking away from the situation. Leave the house. Step away. A fire needs fuel.

Anticipate meltdowns - you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear, begin by saying ‘if you are abusive to me, the consequence will be x’ and stick with it.

Also - her staying with her dad sounds maybe like it could be good for you both?

I'd let her go and live with her dad for a while.

Don’t waiver. She’s controlling in the extreme and you’re letting her inadvertently break you.

You are the parent in your house and you need to take back control.

Why don’t you let her go to her dads? Is there a reason? You need a break from this awful situation, which has become your normal.

As horrible as it sounds, if she assaults you, and trashes your house, you can call the police and they will take her to a MH unit.

Let her go and live at her dads . You cannot keep treading eggshells . You deserve a good life yourself .

I think you need to very calmly and gently tell her that you also need to have a life and you’re making lots of changes on her behalf, but you can’t not have a social life and stay back in the evening because she chooses not to go to school. What has happened to her is horrendous and would absolutely strike self-esteem but she’s also rejecting every thing she could do to help her. Is there some kind of support group? I have a friend who’s teen developed alopecia, but she didn’t stop engaging in school.

you’re cracking under the strain and destroying your own future whilst your daughter chooses to not engage with hers.

I think at least two evenings a week, and perhaps a weekend day for example you need to do something that doesn’t involve her at all.

Completely agree. You can't let her control you OP. Be supportive in every way you can, but you have to draw a firm line when it comes to her telling you what you can and can't do.

Tell her that it makes no sense for her to not want to go to her Dads ,yet threaten to go and live with him....
Explain that if she genuinely feels she would be happier living with her Dad she should talk to him about doing that.
Tell her its unreasonable to suggest someone is a "drunk" because they go out with friends.
Has the cause of your daughters alopecia been investigated?
Throwing a hoover at you and trashing your bedroom is abusive .

This sounds really hard OP
There has to be some middle ground
I really hope things get better for you soon x

Op, I'm wondering if it might feel a bit scary to your daughter to feel she has so much control. I think teenagers need to feel that we are steering the ship and have a sense that the adults in their life know what they are doing. This situation is probably making her feel quite unsettled..

Also I bet this behaviour is deep down making your daughter feel like a not very nice person and it can't be good for her self esteem.

I'm glad to see you taking some control back slowly. I think at this point your daughter needs to see consistency with it.

It's very hard though when you've got an articulate teenager telling you she feels abandoned, unsupported etc... Give me a toddler tantrum anyday, but I think both are similar.

I would spend some time on the SEN groups @Melocoton. Your daughter may not have SEN but you need to learn some tactics for school refusal etc.

The way you support your daughter needs to not be enabling her. What she needs right now is firm boundaries, and you can start by saying: ‘i have x plan, i will be going. If you are lonely, you can (facetime your friend / go to your dads) < (delete as appropriate) but I will not allow you to control me.’

Same as glass of wine. ‘I love you. You are going through an awful time. But you can control you, you can’t control me. I’m the adult and I say I am allowed a glass of wine’.

I think you should get some therapy yourself or support to help you with how to make these boundaries. Because your daughter is not learning healthy habits. She cannot check out of life. She cannot control her loved ones.

Another thought is if there are any support groups for parents of teens with eating disorders. Many have similar very controlling behaviours, similar ‘checking out of life’ challenges so again, it’s likely you can learn some techniques.

Stay calm OP. You've made plans for Christmas drinks and you're going ahead with those plans. She's welcome to go to her dad's or stay at yours, either is fine but you're not cancelling your drinks. Trashing your room, throwing things and saying unkind things to you is not going to change any of the above.

This.

Some space might be just what you need! It will allow you to reset and do some socialising without being bullied in your own home.