Page 2 | How to plan responsibly for parents care

Soleena · 2025-12-12T14:37:15+00:00

My mum (80) had a stroke three years ago, can just about walk, mentally is fairly but struggles to do much for herself (dressing, cooking, etc) My dad (83) is her carer, he helps her dress/get into car/cleans her up if she can’t make it to the loo, does the gardening, fixes things, etc etc! He’s fairly well, but has a weak heart and is not a young 83. It’s not sustainable for him to keep caring for her. My sibling and I would prefer for them to move to supported living of some sort. They could be more sociable there (their house is pretty but isolated) and my dad wouldn’t be under so much pressure. My mum is dead set on staying in the family home though, it’s very hard to persuade her to even think about it. But my dad can’t go on like this! I live 3 hours away and have young kids, my sibling also has little kids and works. We don’t want to care for them, albeit we can be on hand to help occasionally, but they need a new plan for every day. Mum rejects home-helps, says they are annoying and turn up at the wrong time. We are at our wits end, my dad is crumbling, I want to force the issue as he can’t go on like this. It doesn’t help that my mum can be aggressive and bullying… What do we do! Has anyone got experience of this? They have a £700k house they could sell to fund onward care. They live in the south east and their village is a very expensive area, the nearest retirement village is 7 miles away. i found some nice retirement flats for £400k, which would leave them £300k in the bank to fund their care, is that a good amount for a private care facility that’s a good standard? I’d be so grateful for any wisdom or kind words, my sibling and I are really struggling with this thank you

ThatJollyGreySquid · 12/12/2025 16:30

Unfortunately you’ll have to be harsh with your Mum. My Mum has just got out of hospital and refused the care plan saying she was “fine”- she couldn’t do anything for herself! This is temporary but I was infuriated as it meant I had to do everything as well as working full time and being a single parent. In the end I gave an ultimatum.

TeenToTwenties · 12/12/2025 16:27

There's an 'Elderly parents' board on MN you may find helpful.

Can they self fund? My DPs are older but my DF acts as main carer for DM and to some extent vice versa (DM not very mobile, DF forgets stuff). They have a private carer who comes every morning at a fixed-ish time to help Mum get washed and dressed. This keeps the load off DF so they don't need extra help over and above my DB and me visiting alternate weeks. (An hour a day costs them just shy of £250 per week).

Recently they had live in care for 3 weeks as both incapacitated at same time, but once both improved went back to daily visits.

Do they claim Attendance Allowance? It surprisingly isn't means tested.

Original poster

Soleena · 12/12/2025 16:24

Nsky62 · 12/12/2025 15:23

Respite might be a good place to start, while you, your dad, and mums care team decide what’s next

Thank you - do you mean respite in a care home? ( As in mum goes into a care home for a few days?)

or do you mean someone comes to care for mum for a few days, and stays in their house?

She has a meek friend who has done that for free once or twice so dad could visit his old work colleague, but understandably the friend has their limits

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Soleena · 12/12/2025 16:22

CMOTDibbler · 12/12/2025 16:09

I’d start with the least objectionable help round the house and push for that as ime if you can break the ‘strangers in my home’ barrier, that’s the hardest thing to do. So gardener, handyman, cleaner are all fairly easy wins to ‘help dad out’ and the cleaner especially (not an agency, someone who works for themselves so there becomes a relationship) is a great gateway and will be fixed times.
But I also agree that some straight talking with your mum is in order. I had to have a very painful talk with my dad that if he wanted mum to stay at home, then they needed help whether he liked it or not. And their carer became the rock of their lives (with a cast of other people) and he got his wish.
TBH though, it usually takes a crisis for anything to actually change

I’m glad that worked for you - I agree, another crises might have to happen for them to change

(You’d think mum having a stroke and dad having a heart attack would be it, but apparently not!)

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Soleena · 12/12/2025 16:21

GreenCandleWax · 12/12/2025 16:16

Could they get a good care package in their own home? Likely to work out cheaper than residential care, especially for two people? My Fil has this and it works though he needs personal care as well as meals, etc. However he is fortunate to have a really outstandingly brilliant care company - expensive but he can just afford it. He also employs someone to do cleaning once a week and shop for him. Your DPs would both quallify for what was called Attendance Allowance to contribute towards💐 the costs.

Thank you.

this would be a great idea if we can get mum to agree. She doesn’t fundamentally like people in her space, doing things their own way, though!

she can yell at my dad and control him and he’s so meek after all these years, he does what he’s told.

I wonder if this is the option to keep up our sleeve when our poor dad finally keels over. God it’s unbearable

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Soleena · 12/12/2025 16:18

Catza · 12/12/2025 15:43

It's a tricky one. If we look at it from your mum's perspective, she considers herself having two choices 1, Dad cares for her or 2. She has annoying carers coming to the house. Of course, her preference will always be option 1.
And, I am afraid it may not be up to you to convince her that option one is not viable. It is actually up to your dad. He is the only one who can set boundaries here.
What does he want to do?

You’ve hit the nail on the head. He will say plenty of things about moving to me privately, but in front of her…he crumbles. He is conditioned to keep her happy above all things

Every now and then I think ‘I’ve done all I can, leave them to it…’

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GreenCandleWax · 12/12/2025 16:16

Could they get a good care package in their own home? Likely to work out cheaper than residential care, especially for two people? My Fil has this and it works though he needs personal care as well as meals, etc. However he is fortunate to have a really outstandingly brilliant care company - expensive but he can just afford it. He also employs someone to do cleaning once a week and shop for him. Your DPs would both quallify for what was called Attendance Allowance to contribute towards💐 the costs.

CMOTDibbler · 12/12/2025 16:09

I’d start with the least objectionable help round the house and push for that as ime if you can break the ‘strangers in my home’ barrier, that’s the hardest thing to do. So gardener, handyman, cleaner are all fairly easy wins to ‘help dad out’ and the cleaner especially (not an agency, someone who works for themselves so there becomes a relationship) is a great gateway and will be fixed times.
But I also agree that some straight talking with your mum is in order. I had to have a very painful talk with my dad that if he wanted mum to stay at home, then they needed help whether he liked it or not. And their carer became the rock of their lives (with a cast of other people) and he got his wish.
TBH though, it usually takes a crisis for anything to actually change

Catza · 12/12/2025 15:43

It's a tricky one. If we look at it from your mum's perspective, she considers herself having two choices 1, Dad cares for her or 2. She has annoying carers coming to the house. Of course, her preference will always be option 1.
And, I am afraid it may not be up to you to convince her that option one is not viable. It is actually up to your dad. He is the only one who can set boundaries here.
What does he want to do?

Nsky62 · 12/12/2025 15:23

Respite might be a good place to start, while you, your dad, and mums care team decide what’s next

Boomer55 · 12/12/2025 15:21

From experience, it usually reaches a point where social services have to get involved.

Contact their local council - usually the Adult Team.

Brewdogbluedog · 12/12/2025 15:19

You need to separate it into:

Practicalities
-do you have a power of attorney in place?
-what are the available options, how much would they cost, what are the pros and cons, who would realistically be in charge of making the arrangements
-have you arranged a care needs assessment and carers assessment? If not, get those in motion.

Emotional
-consider your own boundaries and how much you’re able and willing to get involved
-ask for help. Any siblings or family friends who can get involved and share the load?
-think about your mum and dad’s wishes and how you’re able to balance those with what’s realistically possible
-work out how you can communicate more firmly, you’ll need to have some honest and potentially quite challenging conversations.

Try to think short term and long term. A retirement flat might be good for a while but they can be a nightmare once care needs get worse due to restrictive leases. Often very difficult to sell.

Do your research and seek legal / financial advice proactively as it’ll help in the long run.

Accessava is a great resource for social care queries. Age UK also has a lot of helpful info.

LadyDanburysHat · 12/12/2025 15:19

Tell your Mum that if your Dad has to continue caring for her he is likely to die, and then she will need other help and have to move. Be harsh, tell it how it is.

shellyleppard · 12/12/2025 15:18

@Soleena i understand. Went through the same with my parents a few years ago. If you need any help please don't hesitate to message me x

Original poster

Soleena · 12/12/2025 15:12

Thank you. The word harsh is actually helpful - we pussy foot around her but it needs saying plainly now. They can’t go on like this

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shellyleppard · 12/12/2025 15:04

Maybe tell your mum if she doesn't get some care in your dad won't be able to cope any longer?? Harsh I know but sometimes you have to be for her to understand. Could you talk to a care agency yourself and see about getting some carers in x

Original poster

Soleena · 12/12/2025 15:01

Sorry it’s nota great AIBU. Posting for traffic (desperate!)

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