Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

Appreciate that this may feel awkward if you're not used to it but saying no would be very weird in my family. We always lay an extra place for the unexpected guest whether one shows up or not, & have little tree gifts ready for any unexpected callers over the 12 Days.

The duty of hospitality to strangers is something we were brought up on & to deny it at Christmas of all times (no room at the inn, etc, etc) is unthinkable. My Nana would spin in her grave if I tried it.

As it's a new relationship though, if you do take her in make sure the mistletoe isn't somewhere where they might get in the way of normal household traffic! 😄

I’m with the OP here. She wants an easier Christmas with young children under 5 and that is not really compatible with having a stranger to stay. Christmas lunch is fine but I wouldn’t want anyone to stay overnight in a house of small children that I hadn’t met before. I’d want to be focusing on making a lovely Christmas for the kids and not worrying about the new girlfriend.

I think it’s a tricky one and can understand why you feel like you do! Just to give the other side of the story, when my now husband and I had been together for a few weeks his parents said I was welcome to spend Christmas with them. They live in another country and so we had to fly there and stay with them for several days. It also included his siblings, nieces, nephews, grandparents, etc. I was made to feel so welcome. I had an amazing time and we’ve have been together for 12 years and have our three young children so it can work out really well!

Exactly.

Accepting secondhand invitations is always crass and wrong. Especially for multiple overnights!! One really wonders how some people were raised.

We once spent two night over one Christmas at my brother's MIL's house. The Invitation came from SIL. I'd have been a right dick if I'd gone back to SIL to say "oh no I can't possibly accept this unless your mother formally invites me herself".

That is so odd. Would you not message your host (she's doing Christmas!) and say, SIL has kindly invited us to yours. How lovely! We do hope that's OK. Please let me know and what you would like us to bring.
Or somesuch?

I couldn't turn up at someone's house without checking first. I wonder how many people answering with the chill vibes have actually hosted Christmas for a lot of people (and overnighters!)

This. He has presumably only known her a few months (maybe even weeks) and she’d be meeting everyone for the first time at Christmas Day - so weird.

Can you speak to him and say you’d love to meet her sometime in the New Year instead?

I think BIL and H are being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to host a random at Christmas. I also wouldn't want to introduce my kids to someone that BIL hasn't been with for 5 minutes. Maybe if she's still about next year you might want to invite her. I'm sorry if it makes things difficult for H but his discomfort saying no is going to be less that your discomfort of hosting a stranger and your kids discomfort of having to be on their best behaviour.

I've never had anyone invited to my parents' home who was invited by them directly. Invitations are just passed on by the family member to the extra person.

If DH or SIL had waited for a formal invitation from my parents rather than a message passed on by me and my brother respectively they'd never have visited in 20 years.

We once spent two night over one Christmas at my brother's MIL's house. The Invitation came from SIL. I'd have been a right dick if I'd gone back to SIL to say "oh no I can't possibly accept this unless your mother formally invites me herself".

Also, if it is to stay over, imagine it was SIL wanting to bring an unknown (to OP) man into her house, where there are small DC, to stay overnight.
How many posters would be comfortable with that? Regardless this is an unknown adult ostensibly staying under her roof for at least one night - not many people would be happy about that.

She'll probably decline, surely?

Check dietary needs. We have a freezer full of vegan and gluten free "meats" and treats... the "kids" 23 and 25 pick up many waifs and strays all year round.

Surprised that so far, we only have a vegan boyfriend staying boxing day + a night or 2, and dh brother round for xmas dinner. Things may or may not change...

It’s four nights, not Christmas lunch.

No, it’s not unfair. Decent people don’t show up to sleep four nights in a stranger’s home, without being invited by the hosts. If OP had wanted gf there, SHE would have suggested it.

The BIL has no standing to issue the invitation. The OP’s husband needs to have her back on this.

Haha, this was my older sister when I was growing up.

Looking back, I have no idea how every one of her boyfriends somehow got persuaded not to spend Christmas Day with their own family rather than us, but my sister is quite the force of nature and I suspect they just didn't have the will to complain.

None of them were ever a problem, and it never felt intrusive somehow, even though most of my family are pretty introverted.

OP, I think what you need to remember is that if your BIL brings his girlfriend, she will be outlier and is likely, therefore, to be the the one who has to adapt to fit around everyone else. The chances are she'll be on her best behaviour and making an effort, and it's unlikely she'll be a difficult guest.

Agreed he's been annoyingly vague but that isn't the girlfriend's fault and saying she's behaving terribly by coming is very unfair to her.

My Dad once invited his sister over on Christmas Eve, without telling my mum who loves a carols, chocolate and feet up on the sofa evening, and she brought a new boyfriend and stayed till 3am.

She still references this now.

It’s one extra person. Everyone makes way too much food on Christmas Day with leftovers, do not that much of a trouble. We play games after resting out full tummies. Can be a right laugh with someone new in the mix.

No way would I allow a stranger to turn up to meet me for the first time with an overnight bag! As an adult I don’t want a stranger staying over for the whole of Christmas and as a kid I also would have hated it.

If you’re the more the merrier type, fine, but think I’d make sure everyone (including the children) are comfortable with it. If not, it’s early enough to tell BIL either they’re welcome for dinner only, or not at all, whatever your decision is.

Except the BIL can't even be arsed to say whether he is coming, let alone ask to bring a guest. Is he quite the ticket?

I would go with "she's very welcome to come for Christmas lunch at Xpm, but she won't be able to stay over". That way you are hospitable but she's not there for present opening and not sleeping over.

Or she reasonably assumed the invitation was from the host and delivered via BIL.

It's not uncouth to assume an invitation extended to you has come from the host and just passed on. It's not for her to question the BIL about whether the invitation was just from him off his own bat or not

"Any person of couth" fantastic line....I'm borrowing that.

And is the BI's girlfriend suppposed to wait for a formal invitation on stiff cardboard written in longhand?

Yep.

Let him and the new gf make their own Christmas. He’s a clod to assume he can impose her on OP.

Very rude to just invite her like that.

Personally, I don't want a stranger at Christmas.

It wouldn’t bother me unless they just turned up without saying anything