Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

I’d say no. I’m not a big more the merrier at Xmas type person. I enjoy a really relaxed day with my children where we can just spend the day enjoying each others company, wearing whatever comfy clothes we like , playing games and eating as and when we please without schedules for anything.
I wouldn’t want to try to entertain and cater for a new person. It’s not a situation where they will be sad and lonely on their own. They don’t celebrate it and your BIL is not desperate to be included , he wont even commit to whether he is going at all. You’ll only have a few Christmas days with young children and them enjoying the day would be my priority so if they’re uncomfortable with strangers I’d give that as another reason .
your husband should 💯 back you unless he is offering to feed and entertain them both single handedly during the stay .

I honestly wouldn’t be bothered. I’d set her a place at the table, set up the spare room and ask what her favourite food and drinks were. Isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Oh no thats so sad. Lovely that you still speak to her mother.

&GertieET - very sadly she died from alcoholism in 2009 aged 52. She was jilted the week before her wedding aged 21 and started drinking secretly then, I didn’t know. I will always think of her, I ring her 90 year old Mum on her birthday,

This reminds me of my now ex h who thought introducing our kids to his new gf on Christmas day at his parents house was a good idea. Wasn't planning on telling them first she'd be there either.

Your Dh is a wet wipe. He's saying you're making things hard for him so he'd rather upset you than speak to his brother. Fabulous.

My DH’s ( adult ) nephew came to stay last year for 4 days then my DH was called into work on Christmas AND Boxing Day !! He is French and barely spoke English and although nice enough it was an uncomfortable experience. No one extra this years ! I know it’s not the same and hopefully the girl is great but l also would have reservations .

Awww what an absolutely brilliant & beautiful comment 💚🤗💚
Completely concur with you & how heartwarming the way your lovely Mum made your new friend so welcome
Exactly what was going through my mind too, was "what if bil's new gf has no family close by or otherwise?"
I'd feel terrible to have excluded her
💚

I don’t know how some people make it through the day, to be honest.
The world must seem like a terrifying place.

I dont know and that's the point. She is unlikely to be a risk but she also could be. I wouldn't trust anyone I dont know to sleep in my home. I wonder if it was a strange man everyone would feel less accommodating.

People are still happy to swan off and leave you to do all the work of making it nice, no matter how many are there. I'd happily agree to the new person coming if absolutely everybody else also agreed to do their share of emotional labour/ being chatty and welcoming.

This made me laugh 😂 Are you still friends?

What risk do you imagine this woman poses to op’s children?!

If it was just for Christmas day then yes, but to stay a few days, No. As you say you don't know her she could be anyone. I'm sure she is fine but as a mother I don't think I would feel comfortable allowing someone I dont know sleeping under the same roof as my young children.

I'll never understand people who limit themselves socially in this way. It's one person, not a whole contingent.

I would love it!

but I worry Xmas and with barely any family myself. Anyone extra would be so welcome

And before you say, buy her a gift to avoid the awkwardness, I'm going to put it out there that buying a present for a complete stranger would be overkill!

I hope you all have a lovely time.

I'll never forget asking my Mum (divorced, I was living at home with her) if my friend and her boyfriend could come on Christmas day. They arrived late, pissed, and seemed to be enjoying the meal. It was in the 80's when we all smoked inside and at the dinner table. I passed my friend the cranberry sauce dish and she stubbed her fag out in it. Never lived it down!

Because they don't know anyone, have walked into a tight-knit family situation and they are very shy. That's just the kind of people we are. We'd want someone to feel more than welcome. You're not going to sit there, engaging in in-jokes and family banter that they aren't part of. You're also not going to give and exchange gifts when there's nothing for them.

For me it would depend on what DBiL is like. If he tends to muck in and will likely keep his new GF engaged and add joy to the gathering, I'd probably be up for it. If he tends to shirk things, just do the stuff that suits him, expect the women to entertain each other and the kids so the men can go off together type of thing, I would say no regardless of anything else.

Your eldest is a consideration, though I don't think it's necessarily a detriment for her. It will be one new person in a sea of faces she's familiar with in an environment in which she has lots of incentives to engage but also plenty of ways to avoid and still have fun. It could be a good experience for helping her gain confidence in being herself even when someone new is around. But you know your DD best.

Op’s dh’s whole family are coming.
She’s not going to be left alone in a room with this woman.

Why would the whole day be dedicated to making her feel welcome? Sounds like extreme overkill.

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is - presumably you trust him. I expect she will feel a lot more awkward than you. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be a time for goodwill? this really is not a massive issue at all.

A person you don't know will change the dynamic a lot. My brother did this to us one year and the whole day was spent making sure she felt welcome and included. There was also a lot of embarrassing canoodling going on which made everyone feel very awkward. You'd cope if it was just Sunday lunch but Christmas Day is different.

If she does come make it clear that you will not be soley responsible for making her welcome/ doing all the small talk. Its a team effort.
I got fed up with this over the years with my husband's friend's new partners. I like to meet new people and make them welcome but it gets tedious at every event getting stuck at the getting to know you phase whilst the men chat about old times.

i wouldn’t have thought catering for one extra person is a big deal . If it’s important to your BIL why create bad feeling ? Don’t spoil a relationship with someone in your family when it is such a small amount of effort creating a bit of love and harmony.