Snotty reply from ‘friend’

At 9pm i would imagine they are unwinding for bed, yabu.

I'd honestly find it odd if you texted me late at night asking that question. I thin I'd reply, what do you think too?! As in I'm in my pyjamas and getting kids to bed! In the day time would be different. Perhaps you could change the question to, hi, how are you? For a better response.

Well are they snotty in general? I would have sent that reply in an excited tone as I wanted to tell you some news.

Sorry but I disagree. This works if you meet in person where conversation needs to be made (although even in person the question ‘how are you’ or some variation of that just means hello these days). I know texting a friend isn’t a formal communication but it requires a bit more effort and structure, it’s initiating a conversation that you wouldn’t be having if you hadn’t decided to message. Going back and forth with how are you, fine how are you over messages is pointless and banal.

That was unnecessarily rude from her, 9pm isn't that late imo and it really depends on how your chats usually look. If there is nothing unusual, then that's a really rude reply.

Blimey, some of these responses. I take it people do realise notifications can be snoozed? And, come to that, that volume can be muted, and phones even turned off altogether if a person doesn't want disturbing? Radical!

Oh, and 'what are you up to?' is a fairly common opening gambit these days between friends chatting.

I wouldn't have answered rudely but if busy, I wouldn't have responded to such a message, at least not immediately. It's a pointless question. What do you want them to say: having a wee, watching TV, eating crisps or whatever?

When I message a friend I either give them a bit of news, ask about something I know is going on in their life or suggest meeting. That then leads to a bit of conversation - though not necessarily immediately.

While there was no need for rudeness from your friend, I don't think your communication was great op...

My first reaction would have been to wonder if I'd been a twat and forgotten something that she'd told me she would be doing at 9pm every day. Like sitting down with a glass of wine after getting the kids settled.

Alternatively, if you routinely start conversations that way, offering her nothing of yourself but expecting entertainment from her telling you about herself, then she may just be pissed off with that.

I had a friend who would routinely start conversations with "What do you know, Imdunfer?" God that was annoying!

Lots of variables. Is that the usual type of message you send her? At that time? Is it a long standing relationship with someone you're confident with? Does she text 'accurately', in terms of expression or is she a bit slapdash (as in she could have forgotten the emoji that makes it a joke)?
Messages always have to be taken in the context of what you know of a person.
I'd have replied "Yeah, silly question! Hope all well with you".

I would assume that she had plans that she had told you about and you've clearly forgot, rather than her just being rude for the sake of it.

It may be my age, but I'd hate an open text like that though, as it implies you want an immediate answer/engagement from her.. I much prefer a more casual text style that can be replied to when I'm free.

I would have been really annoyed by your message. ‘What are you up to?’ It’s a really curt demand for information. Im not sure why you didn’t send her a nice friendly message, or tell her why you were messaging late at night.
’just thinking about you and wondering how you are? Is everything going ok’ or ‘are you busy? Are you free for a chat?’ Both would be more respectful of her time.

Her reply could have also been more flowery and wordy, but it was exactly the same as yours, basically. So don’t be in a miff about it.

You've interrupted her evening without bringing anything to it. You want a conversation but have out the onus on her to create the content. I'd be thinking "why do you want to know?" I'm not a big telly person but might be hanging out with with my husband, having a bath, doing the ironing, wrapping presents, (not all at the same time) none of which are improved by texting someone who wants a chat but isn't prepared to do their share of the contributing. Also I'd be wary of creating an opening for you to ask me to do something. If I'm having a rest, chances are I need it!

Yes, this is the friend equivalent of when someone at work messages you on Teams saying ‘hi how are you?’ and then leaves it hanging rather than just getting to the point.

Your question was annoying, when I receive a message like that I always assume I'm about to be asked to do something by the sender. 'How are you?' is a much more polite opening.

But also, if she is your friend, why have you come on MN to dissect her response? A normal reaction would be to just assume you'd caught her at a bad time, apologise, and try and make contact again later.

Tbh, I think asking someone what they are up to is pretty rude. I’d be really irritated by that.

If it’s your friend and it’s out of the ordinary you could just ask if they’re ok.

why not approach it in good faith?

or it could be tongue in cheek, tone over text is hard to gauge

My cousin was like this all the time. "what are you up to, what are you doing, what's up?" all the time, day and night. I have a son, she lived in the family home and never married or had kids. She worked but she had SO much free time that she'd just ring/text round to see who was free for a chat. All the time.

I found it annoying if I was busy but I never once in 30 years snapped at her. I'm nc with her now because I had a very serious illness 10 years ago to the extent the Drs told my family to start saying their goodbyes - and she never once asked my family how I was, nor visited me in hospital. She point blank stayed away. You see, it was "boring" that I was ill because it didn't entail gossiping about anyone and I realised that was the extent of our friendship - gossip.

You're not very communicative OP 😁

What DO you think she was up to at 9pm?

You literally just messaged her ‘what are you up to?’

What did you want her for?

I don't see that as forcing conversational effort. It's a polite conversational opener, the expectation isn't that you give a detailed answer to 'how are you?' although if it's a close friend in whom you'd normally confide issues, it's valid to reply that things aren't going well if that's the case. Otherwise, the expected response is along the lines of 'I'm well thanks, and you?'

Sarcasm in my view

Bit of a strange thing to text at 9pm

If one of my friends messaged me that at 9pm, I’d think they’d been hacked and it was spam. Not to be too precious about it but that’s really an annoying opening conversational gambit unless it’s someone you text very frequently or a 12 year old.

The thing with texts they may come across in a way it didn’t intend or She may be stressed, I’m getting ready for bed at 9 settle down fo read a book. Because of this I don’t text anyone other than my daughter to say good night & love you. It’s not a message I expect a reply to. I wouldn’t read to much into it. I’d ignore it & not text her that late again. If she mentions it just apologise if she thought it was a bit late. Honestly, I wouldn’t give it anymore of your time. It’s nothing more than crossed wires or you’ve texted at a bad time for her & she’s lashed out.

Did you initiate a conversation with ‘What you up to?’ I can see she may have found it annoying. It was a Thursday night, she presumably has work in the morning, what did you imagine she would be doing.

It reminds me of people texting me ‘Hey, how’s you?’ I.e. putting all the effort of conversation on to me.

You are adding a 'snotty' tone to it but it could have be said playfully/ flirty/ curiously etc? Perhaps a playful question as celebrity masterchef has just started?