Husband building up resentment

Team husband. I would be absolutely incandescent with you (and with myself for letting you browbeat me into something despite it being against my better judgement).

There’s nothing you can do. Expect him to be intransigent and unyielding in domestic matters. You have displayed appalling judgement and broken your husband’s trust.

I can see that DH would be annoyed you insisted on going with a builder he had reservations about and not getting other quotes. Hurrying rarely works out well. Id suggest a couple of sessions of counselling together to see if you overruling him and him sulking afterwards is pattern that needs to change.

A bully?
I would be seething, too.
Fortunately, neither myself nor my husband make such disastrous decisions.
Recommendation indeed.

You pulled money out of ISAs, thus incurring a penalty, in order to rush in to using the person recommended by your friend, rather than getting quotes?
Have you acknowledged fault and apologised properly?

So you think it is OK to sulk for weeks on end and not speak to your spouse? You do know that stonewalling is considered abuse?

I would be initially upset and angry, and wouldn't necessarily instantly forgive. Instead of have a childish tantrum though, I would engage in an adult conversation about what went wrong and why, how can we work together as a team to resolve the problem and not repeat it in future. This manbaby's refusal to do that increases the likelihood of it happening repeatedly.

She didn't know it was going to turn out badly. The decorator came on a personal recommendation.

FWIW, my husband made a poor decision selecting a builder I had expressed some concern about. It has cost us best part of £50k in corrective work. So, I do have experience of this. And have never taken it out on him like OP's husband is on her.

The Silent Treatment is a recognised form of abuse...
Time to consider if this is the life you want
.

My DH and I always discuss these things - I'd never just get someone in if he didn't agree with my choice. I'll happily let him make the choice himself but he always checks with me. We jointly own our home and we share all our money, despite me being the wealthier one.

OP went against her DH's wishes. Maybe the sulking is OTT but she should reflect on her part.

I think hes seriously annoyed that you disregarded his opinion and for failing to get other quotes. Jumping in both feet first. Things that involve big money spends should be decided together. Of course, if its coming out of your pocket, then it doesnt matter as much. Its cost you both dearly and its annoyed him thats your decision has cost him to be out of pocket.

I can see why hes washed his hands of you. You"re going to have to do more than just apologise but possibly, over time, he may mellow out and drop this.

Sounds like it’s possible that he has other stored resentments and perhaps feels that you regularly don’t listen to him.

or he’s a dick and not handling it well

I’d be fuming with you and I’d insist that you pay for the decorating out of your own money, no way would I be using my savings to pay for your mistake.

This is more than a mistake of yours. He specifically told you he didn’t want that decorator, why did you go behind his back and hire him anyway? You deliberately went against his wishes and it’s his house too! It shows a complete lack of respect for your husband.

You both should have got some quotes from other people and made a decision together.

Apologise to him and book some overtime at work to earn the money back that you’ve spent. It’s the least you can do. Have a think about how you can move forward and make sure you never make joint household decisions without your husband again.

It would be interesting to see the MN responses if this had been the other way around.

My DH wanted to get quotes from other people.

I'm going to hazard a guess that he did not mean HE wanted to get quotes from other people. He wanted OP to do that extra work.
If so then he needs to accept his part in it. He can't be all hands off and then find fault. My husband can be a bit like that - takes it for granted that I'll research and sort everything (from renovations to holidays to childcare) and then moan and pick holes in any bits he doesn't then like. No thanks for sorting the stuff that works out well and benefits him though! Gets pretty short shift from me and told to do it himself if he wants it done differently.

But, as other posters have did, we're only hearing your side. It's pretty bad that the costs were so high and work so bad that you both had to empty your savings. Do you have a history of bad decisions that affect joint finances?

His sulking and silent treatment is pathetic either way though.

Maybe he's pissed off and thinking, whats the point of getting involved or having an opinion, shes just going to go ahead and do whatever she wants and decides anyway

Of course it does!

So if your DH does something wrong you just smile and forgive him straight away - that’s not healthy.

Why would he have discussions about decorating the house when OP ignores him and does what she wants anyway?

OP made a reckless decision that has had a big impact on them and I would be so annoyed if my DH went against my wishes.

And DH did speak up, he said he doesn’t want this person but OP wanted it done quickly and so completely ignored his input even though it’s his house too.

And most couples have a bit of their own money to spend on what they like each month. OP will just have to use this to pay off her mistake.

I wonder if this is maybe not a 'last straw' type situation and OP has a history of impulsive, headstrong acts that end up causing mayhem because she won't wait, won't listen and won't co-operate? I dont know - just a guess

Why did you over rule him? Why did his prefrences hold less weight than yours? I think you behaved badly here and were caught out, and he's rightly absolutely furious. Have you apologised? You should be making decisions about the house as a team, and his voice should count just as much as yours. You may just have to give him time to get over it, but understand that he's upset for a reason - you over ruled him, and your actions have cost you jointly a lot of money,

Did you have to cash in all/most of your savings for this?

Was the decorating really that necessary? Especially to get it done so quickly?

No wonder he's furious. However that doesn't excuse the silent treatment.

How are you, as a couple, planning on replenishing the savings? Can either of you take on more work? Do you both work?

He has every right to be initially annoyed but he is now being pretty immature. How much has the whole decorating disaster cost so far? £100s or £1000s? Has it resulted in all his previous 'investing and saving' being squanded?

This does not give him the right to seethe and sulk for an extended period, or to refuse to engage in all future decisions. If he had seen bad reviews, he should have spoken up at the time.

Punishing her for the decorator's ineptitude is childish and unhelpful.

And there is no 'your own money' in a marriage, regardless of what account it is in. It is a joint asset.

I am 100% team DH.

He told you he did not want this man (likely because he’d heard bad reviews about him).
Instead of listening to him you ignored him and chose to listen to your friend above him.

Its his home too, you don’t get to go against his wishes.

You seem very irresponsible and I would be raging if I was him.

The only thing you can do is apologise and pay it out of your own money as it was your mistake.

This seems like an OTT reaction, however, there's no context as to whether there is a pattern in your relationship with you not considering his opinions or ways of doing things. If you regularly push ahead with doing things your way, then something like this can feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. In which case, his reaction stems from cumulative resentment that has built up over time and not just from this single incident.

If this is the case, then to repair things I think you'd need to acknowledge this pattern in your relationship and make an effort moving forward to consider both of you in decisions moving forward.

This makes it sound like he has got some story going in his head about how "my wife always makes bad decisions" and "all our problems are her fault". Giving you the responsibility for future decisions means he can carry on that narrative and feel righteous, and justified in treating you badly, which is what he wants to do.

It will be very hard to counter this, since he is basically setting you up to fail no matter what.

you apologised, he needs to stop punishing you. It’s him in the wrong now.

Was the recommendation from someone who’s had work or just knows him? There’s a world of difference in how serious you take the advice. Your husband has the right to pissed off & whilst initially him avoiding you & giving the silent treatment for a few hours so he can calm down & not say something he regrets shouldn’t surpass a few hours at most. If he’s done it for any longer then in my eyes you’re being punished & that’s not ok. You went with what you thought as the best option, you’re as much a victim of this dodgy dealer as he & I think the fact it was your decision to hire him makes you feel worse.

is this a one off disagreement? Does he feel like his opinion is invalid on other issues? His behaviour is extreme & my husband used to do this to me & whilst we where going through a really good spell I told him I how awful I found it & that it shakes your security, that I’m treading on eggshells in my own home & it has me wondering if he’s planning on leaving. I also pointed out whilst I may piss him off from time to time he also pisses me off & I have never treated him this way. I decide to forgive & forget & move forward. I’m not one to punish someone. He hasn’t done it since.