Husband building up resentment

I agree and it sounds like her DH tried to warn her but she refused to listen.

If it was months ago then I would agree that he needs to get over it but if it was only a couple of weeks ago then he’s within his rights to be angry still.

And you may be in a privileged position to be able to rebuild savings but not everyone is like that.

For most people losing their savings will have lifelong impacts.
If they decide to split and sell the house, they may not have enough money to get a mortgage and have to go back into rented accommodation which is almost impossible to get out of on 1 income.

Saying it’s hyperbole because you’re in a privileged position is really insensitive.

And it sounds like OP acts like she’s single anyway so she might as well be.

Wait, you had to cash in ISAs??? How much money are we talking here? And you’ve butt heads in the past about spending money? This sounds like the straw that might have broken the camels back here! And you’re continuing to minimise your behaviour.

You wanted to decorate so you had a shoe house to celebrate an anniversary and a birthday. Husband didn’t think it was necessary or affordable but you got a quote anyway. Forced into a corner he wanted more quotes but you went ahead without discussion and it ended up going tits up and costing you all your savings.

is that an accurate version?

"Yeah, I made that comment without reading more of the thread"

never a good idea!

OP for the future if someone is pressuring you into making a decision, run! A good tradesman will tell you this is what I can offer but ask around, talk to others, take your time as you spend a lot of money ypu spend. If they pressure you it means they are dodgy and want to secure your custom before you figure it out.

Yeah, I made that comment without reading more of the thread 😬😶‍🌫️

Having read the thread I can see why DH has gone cold.....

But why? To the exclusion of his input?
if you had to cash out the ISAs you really couldn’t afford it. Decorating is a luxury, not a necessity.

its not up to him to tell her how to fix it. Its up to the person who screwed up to make proper amends.....and if I was the husband, I wouldn't be waiting for the OP's decision.

Well it wasn't this week if it requires cashing in ISAs and they have already found someone else and had the work redone. They still have the house, it has not financially ruined them, that is MN hyperbole.

She has apologised and quite clearly recognises her fuck up and wants to make amends. But he won't tell her how.

Yes, he may be questioning their relationship but if I was OP I would be taking that decision out of his hands.

ignored husband having another quote lined up
rushed into it to get it done for a birthday
messed up enough that savings had to be broached to fix it
has maybe done similar before
went ahead because pressurised by decorator....MASSIVE red flag.

Deffo team DH here. And I think he already has bigger issues to worry about.

He's being very childish, but have you apologised properly? I agree with him, but not the way in which he's handling it. You said it's unusual for him to take sick days, is there anything else that could be going on?

Please remember, that any tradesperson that can has immediate availability is generally crap! My xh is a roofer, and he's booked up months ahead. The hard sell is also a give away, never ever be pushed into agreeing immediately.

Have you seen the work your friend had done? How can he be recommended by them and such a disaster with you? Is he personally connected to the friend

Can you elaborate on the previous butting of heads for some context?

So you rode roughshod over what your DH said and thought? Why could it have not waited a bit for more quotes? He had even organised them.

I'd be fuming too and I would not be satisfied with an apology about his specific event. I'd want clear assurances that my opinion would be listened to and acted on in future. I would also want reassurance that you actually valued my opinion on other things and that in future you would take my opinion into account on things like spending joint money

Are you willing to do that??

What happened? Did it turn out to be a bigger job which would have been an issue anyway , or was your friends recommendation of guy really bad?

To me this sounds like it's about a bigger issue of him feeling overridden and dominated.

Your husband wasn't keen on this decorator and wanted someone else, but you went ahead with your friend's recommendation.

It sounds like you have little or no respect for your husband's opinion and just plough ahead with what you want.

@Jamans I agree with this comment.
You weren't to know it would go tits up.
Your husband is behaving like a dick.
Tell him to have a word with himself or he'll have bigger issues to worry about.

He shouldn't be treating you like that

So what is your plan to fix this and to replenish your savings? You went behind his back and it went badly, "I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it, especially as there seems to be a pattern of similar behaviour from you. He's rightly angry, and probably avoiding you to not say anything that he might regret later. You need to fix this, not just sit around crying to strangers on the internet because he's being mean to you.

It sounds like he's upset because you overruled him and went ahead, committing a lot of money to someone he wasn't sure about.

I think he needs to talk to you about it properly, but it sounds like he's at the end of his tether. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time you've done something like this. Having to cash in your ISAs is pretty huge. If you had listened to him and respected his input in the first place, it might not have come to this.

I think you need to really apologise and examine if this is a pattern of yours. Maybe you need to really commit to changing. It sounds like he is really fed up, though.

How do you intend to replenish the savings? Can you do overtime at work to earn more? I am actually on your DH side on this. He had people lined up to quote for the job but because you wanted it done fast you overruled him and it has cost you an awful lot of money. I get the feeling that you still don't really regret doing it, you just don't like having to face the consequences of your poor decision making.

"but adults air out their grievances in a discussion"

Problem for the OP is she can't really go down this route seeing as she's made it clear discussion is optional when it comes to doing what she wants/making decisions so claiming adults discuss things now will only draw more attention to how wrong she was/ how hypocritical she's being

Whose birthday?

I’d be pissed off too so can understand why he is but silent treatment is childish, he isn’t handling it well at all.

This changes things for me.

he had done leg work and had people coming and you over ruled him and made a unilateral decision.

how much did it cost?

So what's the plan to replenish the savings?

Do you both work?

In with your husband on this.