Husband building up resentment

Hmm, does he always sulk like a child when things go wrong?

Yes he was right, you should have got quotes, and also being pressured into a quick decision should have been a red flag for you. On the other hand, going with a personal recommendation is usually a good idea. (But did you actually see the work your friend had had done?)

However, I don't understand why it cost double. If you weren't happy with the first decorator why did you pay him? And why didn't you ask him to come back and rectify the faults? It sounds like both of you are acting quite immaturely.

I think you do need to do more than just apologise. For a start, you need to assure your husband that big decisions will be made jointly going forwards AND MEAN IT!.

It just seems like a bizarre reaction from someone who has no interest in the house or money.

Or does he have no interest to sort anything out for the house or to pay for anything either, nothing bizarre about a lazy man leaving everything to his wife and then getting mad if it goes wrong.

People who are committed to making their marriage work, and who love and respect their partners do not behave this way over an error of judgement on the part of their partner, that could have happened to anyone.
It's understandable to be angry at the money lost and frustrated that you feel you knew best but were overridden. However perspective is needed. He 'didn't like' the guy but clearly didn't know anymore than you that this would happen or I'm sure he'd have overridden you.
My point, when someone seems intent on holding a grudge over a genuine error, and punishing their partner despite an apology and where there's nothing that can be done, it often speaks of a cruelty of character and/or other resentment bubbling away under the surface.
In your position I'd tell him that this couldn't go on. He must decide to treat you properly, or that it's too big to get over and leave you. Because you won't live in a state of indefinite punishment.

You are going to need marriage counseling to get through this one.

From your posts I am gathering that

• he was actively helping with the screening process
• this was a big job because otherwise when it went awry you would not have needed to break into your isa
• this was not an urgent repair, given that the deadline was a celebration, not a mention of living with a problem like water damage

Going forward without full agreement from both people was completely unnecessary. He is justified in his anger, yet you don’t seem to understand that what you did was wrong. Instead, you speak of the urgency of the situation and having a personal recommendation.

He may not be handling his anger perfectly at this point, but sometimes saying nothing is better than screaming.

You can’t change what happened, but you need to get to the heart of the communication issue. You need to get some perspective on why he is really upset

You have made a pretty bad error of judgement. You wanted the house decorated quickly for a birthday (not really an urgent issue) and so you disregarded what your husband wanted , even though he had people lined up to quote, and due to that you ended up cashing in your ISA. I almost think this is a reverse. He is acting childishly, but you cant just say he needs to come to terms with it, especially as it seems to have made him ill. If my husband rode roughshod over what I recommended and ended up spending our savings, I would be very annoyed. I think you need to apologise with humility. Say that you do not want to make all financial decisions, as obviously only one person making choices is not a good thing as demonstrated here, its also not viable or appropriate for him to just pullout of life decisions . Put suggestions on how you can address this - ie financial meetings with agreements (Sounds very formal but my hubs and i have monthly financial meetings) and how you will progress with key financial deicisons in the future. And give him time.

my sister has been dumped by two husbands as well, and after spending lots of time under her roof being her whipping boy, i completely understand.

But she portrays them as cads and everyone who doesn’t live with her thinks she’s witty and fun. The knives only come out in private. And as you say, fuckups on her part are always someone else’s fault. She is relentless in her domineering ways.

Theres so much info missing here.
Was the decorator not skilled or was it a matter of taste that it had to be re done? If so yours or your dh's
If it was a bad job why did you pay the decorator? Or did you pay for it all in advance? And can you get it back, even though the small claims court?

Why are you just accepting that you had to get it all redone at your cost?
Your home insurance usually carries legal costs for issues like dealing with bad tradespeople.

I hear you we have a member in our family like this.
Its to much work and most of us have drifted away from her.
Its her way or no way, she's right never wrong.
Her opinion only counts.
If she dose anything that fucks up its someone else fault.
She had 2 divorces and still blames the men.
When it was her spending habits and arguments that caused it.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg for your husband.
I mean not many people have sick days off because of a painting job gone wrong.
It just says you do this often and he's just had enough of it.

Looking at it from his POV…

My sister is argumentative. The words “sure!” and “oh, i see, that’s fine,” do not exist in her vocabulary. Everything from where to eat, to what to watch on tv, to royal family gossip to geopolitics has to be debated and woe betide anyone who counters her opinion.

We’ve been spending a lot of time together in recent years due to her health issues, and after years of what amounts to selfish bullying, i have just shut down. I do what is necessary, go through the motions, smile and don’t bother offering opinions. I don’t have the energy to fight what amounts to near bullying.

OP’s husband taking sick days reminds me of how I felt when i just gave up on having a normal relationship of equals with her.

Was he related to your friend?

I have a family member in my family who is a tradesman, family members recommend him to others so he can get jobs, there's no way I'd let him in my house let alone to friends.

Hmm so you have had past arguments abut spending.
He had other people line up to do quotes but you went on ahead without discussion.
Then you had to cash in ISA to pay for it

Yeah Id be super annoyed

There are two separate issues here:
First one is that you hired a tradesman without getting additional quotes. I'm sure you learned your expensive lesson here.
The second issue is that you seem to have completely ignored DH's wants/opinions. This is completely separate from the fact that your decision turned out to be incorrect. I would guess that you don't think you actually did anything wrong in doing this - all of your responses in this thread are framed in terms of "I wanted...". This is pretty bad behaviour and can't just be let go. This is why your DH is acting in a way that you interpret as sulking. It's not that he's dealing with it badly it's more that neither of you are communicating about the real issue. I really wouldn't take PP's advice to threaten or hint at separating as you might not like what happens.
As always, you need to communicate about it, maybe through a counsellor in this case.

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off with you - you’ve just overruled him completely because you wanted it done straight away.

Someone who is available quickly is always an issue. If he was available because of a cancellation then that's one thing. If he was available because other people haven't booked him then that's another. Did you go and look at the work he'd done for your friend.

There's also nothing more frustrating than your partner completely ignoring or disregarding your recommendations or thoughts on a subject only to then take as gospel a recommendation from their friend for the very same thing.

It's annoying when it's about a restaurant you've been looking to try, you'd be livid if they fucked your ISA because everyone involved including their friend and a dodgy tradesman knew better and had their opinions valued but yours was irrelevant and to be dismissed.

And that will be the issue. Not that money has been lost on a joint decision or one which it had been agreed was going to be done by one partner but didn't work out. It was a joint venture which he was fully engaged in but actually when push came to shove he was treated as less valued than the op's friend and the tradesman because "fuck you, YOLO"

Yep & they take forever to do the job. Longer than I thought was reasonable. But alas a perfect job was done.

Is there scope to get your money back from the first painter through small claims?

Agree. I waited 15 months to get on a decorator’s schedule. And it was worth the wait; he was meticulous.

If I want it done fast, I do it myself.

Is there something else going on. Are you struggling more financially than you’re aware. Dipping into savings doesn’t suggest you could comfortably afford the work done. I suspect his excitement was high jacked by your own & you’ve made a decision without consulting him first. The decorator had other quotes to do not other jobs. They don’t look for the next when the last one finishes they line up weeks if not months of work. His immediate availability should have rang alarm bells which I suspect is your husbands point. You could have waited. Personally my husband would be livid if I gave a job on the spot to someone without discussing it. Decorators are very expensive & a good one takes along time doing their job. They fill sand, misty coat & repeat until they get a perfect wall. If you’d have gotten more quotes I suspect the length & cost of the job may have highlighted this man wasn’t adequate

Unless money is no object you should always get quotes. I’ve had thousands £ difference quotes for various jobs around the house.

In your husbands shoes I’d feel undermined and annoyed but it’s not reasonable to hold a grudge forever. Have you held your hands up to the mistake and apologised? There’s always a risk getting work done even on a recommendation so there only so much flack you can take for this, unfortunately shit happens sometimes and sometimes it can be costly.

When was the work done and how long has he been acting like this? A couple of days? Ok. A couple of months? A much bigger problem.

I'm kinda 50/50 on this. You ignored his advice and pressed on, and it turned out to be a right mess. No wonder he's pissed off.

Not all mistakes are fixed and forgiven just by apologising. You've broken his trust here – you went ahead with something expensive that you knew he wasn't happy about. Even if it had worked out, he might have been pretty unhappy with you. Then of course, it didn't work out, and has cost quite a lot of money that had to come from your joint savings.

Trust is given freely only once; it takes hard work to earn it back once it is broken. Have you acknowledged how serious this is, talked about what you can do to earn his trust back, and how you'll do things differently in future? And are you actually doing those things? Depending on the details of your financial situation, a discussion about how you're going to get back on track there may also be required.

He played you. Obviously desperate for work. In future just so you know, good trades people don’t have immediate start dates. My loft conversion I had to wait 18mnths & my decorator I waited 3 months for. Only finalising colours a few days before the start

Sadly, OP, you were a little naive. This is the equivalent of falling for a scam - I’ve learned over the years that when people couch business in terms of ‘you must decide today or the offer expires at midnight’ it is ALWAYS the case that you say, ‘then, I’ll have to pass this time’ and you show them the door.

I’ve become more confident doing it as I’ve got older (I am guessing you may not be in your 50s with kids about to/who have fled the nest so may not have as many grey hairs as me) but you never buy the ‘if you don’t contract today, I won’t be able to fit you in’ line.

I am guessing this error may have cost you somewhere to the tune of £5k+ and this may have been a significant and hard earned [and saved] lump sum for your husband. The psychological impact of ‘being scammed’ - as in effect you were - can be deep reaching and long lasting, hence your husband’s apparent downward spin into what may be depression.

I think from the tone of your replies you are focused on the fact that he is being grumpy and not forgiven you - but you don’t seem to realise the true impact of what you have done? Unless you can actually acknowledge the depth of the impact of your misjudgment, you can’t truly apologise, can you? And apologies mean nothing without subsequent changes in behaviour - otherwise, they’re just words.

I do think, given that it seems to have triggered a period of [mental] illness for your DH, that you need to sit with him, acknowledge how bad an error this was and ask him what you can do to rectify it. It may mean saving up or taking out a loan to repay him, it may be counselling to explore how you can learn to listen to each other better - but, ultimately, you need to ask him to explain what he wants from you going forward and you need to act on it.