Anti social SIL avoids interacting when over

Thats the way it is. Dont try and change things or force things. If you do you might find you dont see your daughter and sil at all and that would be much worse.

I am fairly antisocial and wouldn’t be able to spend that long with my own family never mind my in laws, some people just need their own space

Honestly op, have you never heard of people finding it tiring to stay at other people’s houses or do everything TOGETHER?

If I were staying at someone for 3 nights (it doesn’t matter who) I’d also look at things to do on my own to get some me time and recharge.

Respectfully.. some people have been brought up in families where the men just never really socialised with their partners. If this set up was modelled to him, he may well be completely oblivious as to how it comes across to you. On the other hand (and, unfortunately, I suspect this might be more likely), he just might not like you very much.

How does he get on with your DH? Do they get along and have much to talk about?

I don't understand the point of comparing him to your other SIL either.. they're completely different people.

Have a think about how welcoming you've been and how easily he "fits" into your family dynamic. But honestly I think you just need to accept that this is just how he is.

I struggle like that in other peoples homes. So will go for walks and try to stay out of their way.

Even sharing a holiday is hard work. Again I take myself off for walks to have space and not feel trapped.

Unless his actually rude as in saying your foods rubbish or you smell or something I’d take it as he just doesn’t feel comfortable.

Dh behaves like that.
He doesn't despise anyone but he is socially clueless. He thinks he's doing the right thing by giving space but it comes across as rude.

I have no useful input OP but I did want to send a virtual hug to @something2say 🌸

Just accept him for who he is, don't take it as an insult - enjoy the time with your DD!
He's doing what he needs to to get through the visit for his wife's sake.

Yes and then there would be a thread moaning that he wont go with me to see my parents, hes not supportive, then posters would tell OP that 'this is what he thinks of you, he has no respect, LTB, I couldnt get over that'

blah blah blah

Well he's not likely to be accepting the invitation because he wants to visit- but because his wife wants to. And then he gets out of everyone's way so his wife can spend quality time with her family.
He can refuse and maybe his wife will visit on her own, or she may not go at all which wouldn't benefit the OP.

I dont have problems interacting with people but I would hate to stay at peoples houses for this long. Even one night I would struggle. I like my own home and my own space. Cant stand that I wouldnt be able to fart and pick my nose slumped on the sofa (nice image)

And for some reason I read this as sister in law and was getting all muddled, not the point of the thread obviously

I bet if you just arranged to meet up for an afternoon, go bowling, crazy golf, a bike ride, something fun or active he would be different. And so would your sister in law.

I mean... on the one hand, I personally think it's rude and unacceptable. That said, I have met dozens of men over my life who are like that. My dad's like that at his OWN parents' house at times! My mum always used to joke and moan that her brothers-in-law never came to any family events... My DH's uncle barely talks to anyone at family events and then will just go and have a nap for an hour... I think quite a significant minority of men are just naturally really unsociable (hashtag male loneliness crisis🙄).

If I was spending three days even with people I like a lot, I'd be carving out a lot of me time via work and exercise as well.

Who knows what his reasons are though? Could be absolutely anything from introversion to social anxiety to finding you hard work. Why don't you ask your daughter? And there are other ways to get to know someone better that aren't three-night house visits...

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being forced to spend days at a time staying at anyone’s house doesn’t matter who they are.

I’m introvert, like my own time and space and my hlme comforts and routine.

maybe your daughter should be visiting alone and not putting him though this.

he's not visiting you through choice.
he's visiting you through a sense of duty to his wife.
he's doing this to keep her happy.

I think he'd much rather stay at home.
it might be because he doesn't like you very much.
it might be because he's a home bird and doesn't like being away anywhere that much.
he might be introverted, and putting on a front for you, and 3 days is just too much for him.

speak to your DD and ask her.
don't be surprised if she doesn't give you a straight answer though, she'll try to protect him.

I would never stay with my in-laws nor invite them to stay. Sorry that’s so weird to me.

Some people struggle with things like this due to being ND. That is the case for me. I am not rude. I just cant cope with prolonged and forced interactions.
I think I am a decent human being.

The SIL is not ant-social, that would entail crapping in your handbag. He's unsociable. And bloody rude to boot.

But also fucking rude and it would not kill him to be a decent human being.

If he accepts an invitation to visit, he is rude to not interact. It's a basic tenet of etiquette that houseguests make an effort to be pleasant, sociable and helpful.

What a clod.

How many friends that are 20-30yrs younger do you have that come to visit for three days?

If you don’t have any, is that because you don’t share common interests? If you do, what is it that binds you to them? A shared hobby or work interest?

I, personally, have none. So if my DC bring home a friend/partner with them, I don’t expect them to hang around with me for several days. They’re with my child and as long as they’re kind and polite in my home, I’m just happy to see my DC.

Some I have more in common with than others, and those will probably spend more time with me than the ones with less shared interests. I think that’s normal 🤷‍♀️

He should at least make an effort, no-one's perfect, including your dh

My DH does this to my father and step mum. The reason is he really doesn't like them. They are strong characters, and completely not self aware at all. My BIL copes far better, and so like your your other SIL is far closer.

I gave up making excuses years ago. I told them he finds them tough work and they really didn't like it, but I was sick of being in the middle. It's not great.

Last year he acted the same. Makes husband and I feel like he really despises our company.

Maybe he does.

I despise staying overnight in someone else’s house. I can’t relax. I can’t settle. Staying at someone else’s house for 3 consecutive nights is my idea of hell.

I would try and first of all see if you have accidentally caused offence. If not then I would try and make him feel comfortable by letting him be and not crowding him. He may just be shy or introverted. My FIL detested having people around him so when he would come for Christmas he would sit in the sitting room by himself and ignore us all. It wasn’t personal but it took me a while to realise it. About 5 years. I used to always go and sit with him in silence, reading or knitting. We would not talk much at all. Maybe a ‘cup of tea’ but that was it. We ended up being very close strangely and I was devastated when he died. I think he knew he was safe and did not have to stand on ceremony with me. I miss him dreadfully. Mind you, not sure we spoke more than a thousand sentences to each other in 20 years!!