It’s not considered appropriate for men to comment on my body, so why do female colleagues think they can?

I think work xmas party's are often asking for trouble. Relaxed colleagues + alcohol = someone upset.

With gross misconduct aside, it's difficult to expect people at a party, with more often than not, alcohol involved, to act completely as professional and have the same filter on as they would have in work.

I love my team, they're great! I love their company and working with them. Would I go the xmas party with them? No chance! I know my limits and I know theirs...!

You're being unreasonable to blame the women for the man's comment, that's ridiculous and playground politics.

And as lewd as his comment was I'd still consider the situation. Is he usually OK, has he just had a drink and forgot the situation and who he is talking to? A quite word aside might be a good idea if so. If it's a pattern of behaviour then that's different.

Your female colleagues were complimenting you .
Male colleague was drunk ( I’m not saying that makes it fine btw ) , but unless he sat there making comments more than once or does regularly at work , I would forget it & move on .
I wouldn’t dream of reporting to HR a once off , from what I gather from what you’re saying
at an Xmas party from someone who clearly had too much to drink & has never behaved like this before .
I’m guessing you guys are not new colleagues?
So if it’s something that has never happened before .
If it was me , I’d just forget about it ..

Before reporting to HR would be best to have a serious word with the man when he's next at work.

I agree: noone should make any comment on how you look.

So your female colleague is responsible for this man's lewd, sweary behaviour?

Blimey.

Did she pin him down and tazer his balls until he agreed to make a comment about your arse?

I honestly felt like this in my younger years 🙁 I was tall and slim and I hated people commenting on my body - male or female. But it always felt like it was supposed to be okay because it was ‘complimentary’. It wasn’t. I love being old and fat and nobody saying anything 😂

But I can admire a woman’s body but not want to have sex with her and she knows it.

When a man does it, he could potentially want to have sex with her and that’s where the issues are because that could make the woman feel uncomfortable etc.

Thats why it’s less inappropriate for a gay man to compliment your body because there isn’t the issue of it meaning anything more and being pervy.

So unless I was really close to the man and he knew that I wasn’t attracted to him, then I wouldn’t compliment a man’s body because it might be taken the wrong way.

This

Surely the difference is that the female colleague’s comment isn’t potentially motivated by the desire to fuck you.

Is it? Women aren’t stupid or oblivious to the idea that as a class, a large amount of women are trying to get that ‘nice ass’ so they can be admired sexually.

And no, I’m not saying every individual woman is motivated by this. I’m saying that as a culture that’s what we have created. Beauty standards, by and large, are about sexual attraction.

I try to look after myself - play squash most days, do not eat choc or sweet things often - think I have a good-ish body.
If someone notices I am please not in any way offended
Equally if someone does not fancy me that is fine I do not care -we are all afferent and have the right to be attracted to our own preference
In my company we have loads of banter - it is called having a laugh (I am sire some will be mortified by that)

True story
Laura a very good friend of mine is HR director for a housing developer
A number of young guys had an email chat about the women they most fancied at work
It cane to light and HR was informed
Laura was delighted that on all the guys list she ranked from 1-3
As she said we all think like that sometimes and have had that conversation with friends
Guys were told not to put anything like that in writing again
As Laura said we all look at people who think of who we fancy - I doubt many people have not thought who in the right circumstances they could have sex with from the friends or colleagues - it does not mean they ever would but is a purely hypothetical thought
I certainly have male and female colleagues and friends who I think have a good body (which is personally what attracts me physically) and with whom in fantasy world a good time could be had!
Does not mean I ever would as am happily with hubby, but I think it is normal.
I think anyone who does not think that way sometimes has be be cold/frigid ( sorry of that offends anyone but that is what I think)
All this nonsense of thinking it is politically incorrect to find someone attractive and say so is the ultimate in wokery nonsense

There’s a huge difference to making a general comment to a lewd one - the clue is in the word lewd.

There is a big difference between the opposite sexes commenting on your body though.

A female to female saying she has a nice ass is fine.
A male to male saying he has nice muscles is fine.

But saying it to the opposite sex is wrong because it can be interpreted wrong.

I’ll tell my female colleagues how nice their figures are all of the time because they know I’m not coming on to them but I wouldn’t say it to a male colleague as it could be misinterpreted.
I would say it to a male friend.

I have slightly more sympathy for your point than most posters - I do think your female colleagues raising and commenting on your body in front of your male colleagues was quite different than if they'd done it in a female-only space. I also would find it a bit embarrassing and it's potentially awkward for everyone. However, the fact that he then made a lewd comment is 100% on him, no one else.

I haven’t read every single comment, but you’re right, on a larger scale, that female comments do feed into this wider picture. And I’m not suggesting that one female commenting as an individual is either responsible for the later male comments, or should she be held to account for that. What I’m saying is that male/female social interplay is more grey than ‘everyone is responsible for their own comments.’ They are - but you can’t ignore the wider context of the culture we have created, where women (as a whole) work towards their own objectification (and eventual sexualisation) but also try and control how others feed into it. It’s an ever-fluid thing, but reducing you to your body parts is inevitably going to give the green light that you should be seen as, well…body parts.

TBF I can imagine a women would swap "wow you look like you've worked really hard at your health regime" for "look at your great fucking arse now!" when drunk. it just hits differently when it's a man

So you had no issue with the female colleague complimenting you, until the drunk man made his comment too? And now it’s because of her that he did it?

Come on. He’s not a toddler. He controls what comes out of his mouth and knows what’s appropriate.

If a women gives another woman a compliment, I think it’s usually from a good place, buoying another woman who has likely had issues with self-esteem, poor body image etc (because most of us have, at some point). I see it as a way of showing you’re not jealous or bitchy; you’re just bigging up another woman, making her feel good.

Incomparable to a drunk guy telling you you’ve got a great arse.

How is it misogynistic to pay someone a compliment? People comment on mens weight loss too, it's not an exclusively female conversation.

“Ah, bless him, the poor lamb! He’d had a drink-wouldn’t have dreamed of being a sexist git if he’d been sober. Give him a break”

So it's a woman's fault that a man can't help himself from saying inappropriate things? 🙄

How would you have felt if one of the female colleagues said you have a "fucking great arse"

Being gay doesn’t stop a man being misogynist!

It's only inappropriate if the man is being creepy. My boss is gay and he commented on me "looking great, you'd never have known your bump was so big" when I went in on maternity leave and it was just a nice comment. If a man with tendency to be leery had said the same it might not have been appropriate.

From what I gather here you’re blaming the women for the men being letches so somehow as usual it’s a woman’s fault. I’d guess they just thought they were being friendly tbh and I wouldn’t really mind from a woman, it’s quite nice when women build one another up rather than be jealous and catty. They’re not to blame for the creepy men.

You need to ask yourself carefully why you’re blaming women for a man’s lewd comment.
They complemented you generally. Fair enough if you don’t want to be complemented, but don’t blame a man’s misogyny on them. Really poor form tbh.

I am glad you do not work for my company - you want to be offended