I think a mom needs time to rest to recover from the flu

OK, but she’s in your life because of her mother, who was presumably, a single parent for some time before you two got together and your adopted your DD — it’s hardly surprising that she had to learn to parent through illnesses because there was no one else to step in if she was incapacitated? And that this hasn’t been something you’ve had to learn because your daughter has always had her other parent in her life to step in if you couldn’t?

Kid is 7, not a baby. You should model what you should do ie REST! Pushing through is admirable but unhealthy if done uneceesariliy. Encourage them to rest and eat healthy too.

I guess the question is, as parents, is the standing and walking stuff they need to do? If not, then ignore them. They can do whatever they feel like and if you don't feel like doing as much don't. If they are pointing out that they are probably as ill as you, but they are doing essential things like feeding your kid and you are not, then maybe you should be helping them!

Well she’s not wrong is she. If you both took to your beds who would look after your child. She’s pushing through because she has to because you’re not. If you are both ill, and there’s no one who can come in and help then you should be taking turns to rest. One gets a few hours sleep then the other takes over.

Hold on, OP, you’ve only been in this child’s life for a year? I’d originally thought you meant only that your wife carried and gave birth to her, but that she was also your child from birth. If you’re a fairly recent stepmother to a seven year old, that’s a completely different situation, and if your wife has been a solo parent to her daughter before you two got together, she’s presumably had to push on through illnesses, regardless of how bad she felt.

She wants the 3 of us to have fun together.

Fun??? With fatigue, fever, cough, streaming nose and upset stomachs? What is she on about? I don't think she can feel terribly ill despite her outward symptoms.

"Pushing through as a mum" when you are ill is a thing, but to me it was getting the child some easy food (then laying down again), running them a bath (and sitting on the bathroom while they had it) and tucking them into bed (then getting back into mine). Doing the basics for their care and survival. I don't remember "fun" coming into it.

When I'm feeling better, I'm all up for fun but not before.

Oh ok, well that's daft then.

But if she didn't then who would? She maybe feels like she can't do it either but there is a child who needs caring for so she does it.

My dp (m) and i both had flu, i was completely floored and could do nothing, however my dp is part machine and done everything.
Some people just get it worse than others, so I would not be too harsh on the one who is most ill

Different people experience the same illness to different extents. No-one knows exactly how ill another person feels. However even if you feel like absolute death, and can barely move, if your child needs something and it's a genuine need then you just do it, you find it in you somehow to do that thing, it's just what a mum does. If she's cleaning and tidying and doing stuff that's not actually necessary and isn't fulfilling an immediate need then either she feels well enough to do so or she doesn't have sufficient self-respect to take care of her own needs. If there's stuff that she's doing that actually needs doing then as an equal mum you should be doing half that work no matter how shit you feel, unless she says she feels well enough to do it without your help.

Some people can handle it better than others. I know if my husband and I had flu at the same time, he would carry on with the kids and I would be in bed lol.

Also your recovery will be longer if you don’t rest

If the mom gets to recover and you’re both mums then who takes over the household?

The flu affects people differently, as do all viruses, you could be genuinely iller than her. But also some people are less resilient let’s say and make more of a meal of self limiting illness (the kinds you get better from given time, I’m not talking about serious illnesses requiring medical intervention). Only you know whether you fall into this secondary category, as mums we have to carry on even feeling grotty.

I think to be honest she need to be more like you - she needs to rest when ill not push herself just because! This is the sort of time all three of you should be on the sofa watching TV all day and eating snacks - just as fun, but also getting much needed rest!

There are no medals for martyrs. Give her a lempsip, and toast to her with your own.

On the face of it dw seems unreasonable, but my dh takes to bed because he knows I will manage, because I've always had to. He doesn't dose himself up and carry on because he knows I will dose myself up and carry on. So no, technically, he doesn't need to be there, but he could be if he took slightly better care of himself, in the way that I do to ensure things carry on in some semblence of normality. If you've taken to bed because you're not used to being up and about then yabu, but if you are genuinely more ill, then yanbu!

Pushing through when you need to is one thing. Pushing through for no reason at all, and in doing so putting stress on your health and risking being ill for longer, is just a martyr's game. Don't let her convince you to be a martyr