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AIBU?

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Original poster

Long term issues when someone with MH issues doesn’t get help and is sheltered at home.

37 replies

Namechange12345432 · 11/12/2025 14:17

Apologies to sound harsh and uncaring, but if anything I am significantly understating the severity of the situation and at this point my primary concern has to be protecting DC.

We have this situation with SIL. Diagnosed MH issues, but has never got help or left home. She does work in a limited way (via a Gov route - not UK - that makes it practically impossible to curtail, despite conflict), but struggles with most people and is also extremely difficult to be around. If she doesn’t like a situation (not necessarily a predictable reason why) she will manipulate it at any cost. Rages out of nowhere. DC are terrified. I have drawn a boundary to protect DC. DH is pathetic and has not been able to find and hold reasonable boundaries, that would actually enable us to provide support. I would divorce him but don’t want shared custody with the potential for unsupervised exposure to the aunt a big factor (I have a lot of sympathy, but the rages and manipulation can only be described as terrifying - apologies to sound so harsh, but it is the reality).

PIL seem trapped by it. SIL basically controls any access to GC, so PIL don’t really have a relationship despite living nearby - we absolutely do not want childcare help, as DC could not be exposed to this). SIL also blocked home help from the house when PIL needed it. I did intervene/get DH to intervene at this point.

What were PiL thinking about the future. How could this ever end well? They are now reaching the end. There isn’t really a plan for what will happen. A decade or so ago I thought they were kind and protective. Now they are reaching the end it is clear the situation is dire. I worry they may just expect her to move in with us, but it would be decimation of family life and a legitimate concern (based on things that have happened) would be danger to DC.

It horrifies me to think this is not an isolated case. I guess provision of care is majorly lacking for people with significant MH issues who do have some independence. In this case when the family protects (shields) them and do not encourage independence it is at a huge detriment to the future of the person kept at home. Maybe this level of shielding is because of decisions made decades ago when concerns/stigma was different. Siblings and their partners will often have to step in when they have children at home.

YANBU. Independence has to be encouraged and plans made for a secure future. People cannot be shielded until parents reach the end, as the situation is likely to get worse.

YABU. PIL did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 12/12/2025 08:33

@Twittwoooodoyou I did force DH to intervene when medical care was needed. He did and the crisis was resolved. I think that would have been the point to push for a broader referral. I will look into it and see if it is possible when no immediate action is required.

Thank you. It really feels like it is at a point where there aren’t many/any options.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 12/12/2025 08:30

@BlueandWhitePorcelain So sorry about the situation your DD has.

SIL has OCD diagnosed. There has never been any therapy. State and private options were available. They live in a bubble with more and more rules/isolation.

I cannot see how SIL will manage alone. I am very concerned there is no planning and an assumption DH will take over, with her moving in with us. even short visits are extremely difficult. Upsets and rages range from me driving my own car (apparently she thought DH should be the only one to drive it - no reason why, he actually has points and I don’t), what is grown in the garden to things we can change such as the contents of the fridge. Obviously we try and accommodate as much as possible. Not wearing jewelry (am not flash at all), giving the house a deep clean, etc. But some of it is completely unpredictable. Plus DC are sometimes the target and that is where my boundary is.

OP posts:
BlueandWhitePorcelain · 11/12/2025 23:45

As I don’t know what diagnoses SIL has, it’s difficult to talk about, but imo it can be unrealistic to talk about independence. What it really leads to is self neglect.

For instance, DD has come across patients who are sectioned for being psychotic in public places. They may go to sleep in trees and on pavements, despite having a council flat. Once in an inpatient unit, they get regular food, drinks, meds, and sleep, through living in a routine, where other people take care of them, by doing the shopping, making the meals, keeping the place clean, talking to them, etc. Once they are stable again on the meds, they go back to their council flat.

There they don’t eat properly, may only drink one lunchbox juice carton a day, never do their hair (so it ends up matted), and don’t take their meds. They are socially isolated and spend their time on their own - hence the sleeping on pavements to be among people. They end up being sectioned again, but this time, they lose their clothes, their laptop, etc in the inpatient unit.

These may be intelligent people, such as graduates.

They are not assessed by social workers as needing care, and are not even under the CMHT for mental health support between admissions. All they get is a council flat and benefits.

DD walked out of her job two and a half years ago, and basically since then, she has lazed about in bed all day, playing on her phone and is then up all night. She doesn’t do any housework, shopping, exercise, cooking, you name it - I think she does wash her clothes. She can do these things (she’s very bright, but cannot organise herself to save her life) but won’t citing chronic fatigue. Her OH works full time, does the cooking, the life admin and they go shopping together at weekends.

I don’t know what future planning you expect PILs to do? Nobody has ever offered us any help in planning for DD long term. I have no idea how long single people with severe mental health conditions are on the waiting list for a council flat, but here LHA won’t pay enough for a room in a shared house.

Twittwoooodoyou · 11/12/2025 22:33

I would make a referral to social services both for the safety of your in laws but also your SIL.
If SIL is not under mental health services it could be worth getting your dh to book a GP app for her and attend with SIL so that he can pass along the decline with SIL. I would push for a referral to a mental health team. Failing this you can contact SIL GP via email or letter and state your concerns. The GP will obviously be unable to give you any information regarding SIL but raising your concerns should trigger them to make contact with SIL for a review in person.

Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 11/12/2025 22:22

@SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight Yes to a diagnosis. Unfortunately no professional help. When she was younger she probably could have lived independently. But after decades living at home and shadowing PIL more and more she seems to have lost independence and become extremely rigid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 11/12/2025 22:18

@TooBigForMyBoots Obviously they did just want to protect her. But they have created a sort of bubble where she calls all the shots and everyone rushes to placate her. Over the years she has become more and more controlling and intolerant. With professional help and a supportive push she may have been able to live with others. It is really difficult, but there doesn’t seem to be any future planning.

OP posts:
SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 11/12/2025 21:15

Does she have a diagnosis op? Is she able to live independently?

Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 11/12/2025 21:13

@Newyeargymwanker things like the stair gate being taken down without warning. A food a DC was diagnosed intolerant to bought and put on the table (we never saw it before). Also some really poisonous items persistently moved into child‘s reach - we stopped visiting PIL after this as even wet lettuce DH was spooked. Obviously everyone watches toddlers, but this felt like the hazards were more than random.

Future plans don’t seem to have been made. I hope there is not just an assumption she will move in with us. I wouldn’t subject DC to this and would move out with them.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 11/12/2025 17:20

YABU. Sounds like your PiL did their best for their daughter at the time. Fear of what will happen to her when they die is natural and felt by most parents of disabled, dependent adults.

Newyeargymwanker · 11/12/2025 17:13

She’s made changes to the house that make it difficult for children?
I can’t begin to imagine what that means? She keeps knives sellotaped to the tv?
She insists on drinking bleach before every meal?

Your children are under your protection, if they can’t be near her obvs you are doing the right thing restricting access.

Yes, plans need to be made for the inevitable, and this would ideally come from the parents, but if they won’t what can you do?

Original poster
Namechange12345432 · 11/12/2025 17:02

@BlueberryOats my DC (me and DH). SIL does not have DC and is extremely intolerant of children - not just mine, others in the family and local area. It is a shame, I think she wants to be close to nieces and nephews but explodes when they do not act as she expects and also has very restrictive/bizarre rules they have to follow when visiting. She has also made changes to PIL‘s house that make it difficult to visit with small children.

OP posts:
BlueberryOats · 11/12/2025 14:20

Do you mean your DC or SILs DC? Does she have DC?