Golden child going low contact

You and your DH probably need to rethink BIL as the Golden Child. What dhe actually did was isolate one of her children from his father and siblings so she could groom him into being her support human. She probably saw him as her weakest, most controllable child. All her talk of him was to ensure your DH wouldn't wqnt to reconnect with him

His strength of character to escape that is admirable. That he chose to move closer to his family us a strong signal he wants, needs their love, understanding, acceptance. He wasn't responsible for what their mother chose to do to him.

YOU need to stop any communication with her. You say your DH says no and she then reaches out to you. She is using you. Anything you say or do will undermine your DH. Tell her no and mean it.

She sounds very lonely and needy now she has been left alone. DH and his sister need to work out for themselves if they want to let her into their lives and if so how far.

But your BIL has already made himself clear. He doesn't want to let her back in. You all should appreciate why. She has damaged him enough

I agree

Very well said!

I agree that the BIL is holding boundaries (my brother is staunchly NC with my mother and was the golden child - life was just as difficult for him, just in a different way)

Now you need to hold boundaries too.

My mother was relentless and did try to get info/updates/contact through us right when things kicked off, and we learned pretty fast that we say NOTHING - it's as if he vanished from the earth. We know nothing, we don't know an address or number or relationship status NOTHING - no point in us taking in gifts, or passing along messages because we don't see them (we do), it's easier now as the rest of the family is now NC and has been for several years - so I have a lot of practice.

We, like you, had an upswing in contact, drama and attention for a few years until she realised we really were a closed route to him. She tested the boundaries with fake illnesses, dramatic life events and so on. She dropped us like a hot rock when she finally saw it was just not going to happen.(I was secretly pleased, as at first, with the sudden flattery, niceness, positive contact and the charm offensive - I thought she was trying to promote me to golden child!)

Your BIL isn’t responsible for getting her off your back. It’s you and your husband that will have to do that. Your DH may be resentful because his brother got all the attention, but equally your BIL has had enough of his mother because he got all of the attention.

Your husband is idealizing something because he never had it, not realizing that being the subject of such intense and suffocating focus isn’t exactly enjoyable. She hasn’t been a good mother to either of them.

On one level you seem to understand that the problem is your MIL but on another level you seem to want your BIL to fix her. How is he supposed to do that. Only she can do that and she shows absolutely no signs of engaging in that process. Stop blaming your brother in law and put in some boundaries with your MIL and allow him to handle his relationship with her the best way he can. She has been absolutely appalling towards him. His boundaries are entirely appropriate.

I dont understand why on earth you are blaming the BIL here and saying he needs to "take responsibility"- for what? being manipulated by his own mother who is clearly vile to his wife and smothers and obsesses over him like an infant?

Why are you placing blame on everyone else instead of the person whose entire faulty this is- your MIL. She is the toxic one, she is the one manipulating everyone and playing favourites, she is the one treating your DH like shit and hating on your BIL's wife and ignoring your own children. This is all coming from her- she is the root of all this nastiness and the cause of this fractured family.

Your MIL is a tumour and she has negatively affected everyone around her. If you choose not to put in boundaries to protect your family thats on you, not your BIL or your SIL.

What actually happened between your BiL and MiL?

I can sort of see your DH's perspective. I imagine that he sees it that BIL was MIL's favourite and enjoyed lots of praise/gifts etc but now is ditching her because he's moved out and doesn't need her any more. He probably also in some ways feels like he needs to try to please his mother. It sounds like she's made life difficult for both of them in different ways.
I think your DH and BIL need to speak about it and show a united front to MIL. How would MIL react if your DH challenged her directly eg. 'Why have you suddenly started visiting us? Why do you bring gifts for us to pass on to BIL when you have never brought a gift for your grandchildren?'. Or perhaps 'I think BIL has made it clear that he doesn't want to spend time with you or receive your gifts so please stop using us as a way to try to get to him. If you would like to visit us because you want to spend time with us you are welcome, but you will have to understand that we will not be discussing BIL or passing anything on to him.'

Maybe his wife opened his eyes to what was going on. I see it as a good thing rarely do these narcissists get their just desserts.

Absolutely. My brother was the golden child and he really paid for it. Sounds like your BIL is finally setting up healthy boundaries, Op.

When you're a flying monkey it can seem easier to get the person they are trying to access to deal with it, but really everyone needs to put in their own boundaries like your bil is doing. It sounds like it's much needed for him to put up boundaries. She sounds obsessed with him. She sounds like a very inadequate person.

You need to assert some boundaries too. Don't let her leave the presents. Push back on the visits.

But, no, I don't think BIL needs to take responsibility for someone who is manipulative and damaging.

The golden child was abused as well.

DH is just happy she’s making an effort to see us and the kids after years but I know it’s because of BIL and it’s upsetting me.

How does DH react when you spell out to him why she's seeing him and his family now?

I agree.

I would have also questioned the gifts and asked if there were only gifts for some grandchildren and not your kids. I absolutely wouldn’t have accepted passing the gifts on, especially if my own kids never received a thing. You need to be firm, it’s not your battle to fight so step right back and get yourself out of it for your own sanity

AIBU to say enough is enough and also BIL needs to take some responsibility here?

Responsibility for what? His mother separated him from his siblings after her divorce and then leaned on him very heavily for many years. She sounds very overbearing and manipulative and I'm guessing that BIL's wife has pointed out to him that they were unhealthily enmeshed and that he needed to take a step back. I'm not surprised he's reduced contact - she's probably been suffocatingly clingy and emotionally manipulative towards him all his life.

He's allowed to make that choice. Your DH could also make that choice, if he wanted to. He isn't responsible for his mother or his brother.

Why do you want this woman in your life? What value does she actually add? It's certainly not emotional, is it?

Quite frankly, your DH deserves better than a mother who constantly made him feeling like he wasn't good enough and I would be asking him what HE thinks of his mother suddenly wanting to be in his life only to see his brother. Follow his lead, but make it clear to him, and to her, if he does want her around that your kids will never play second fiddle to BIL kids - if she can't be bothered to show them the same sort of love, she doesn't get to see them. Children deserve better, as your DH does, than a grandparent or parent who can't be arsed with them.

You all need to get a grip.

BIL doesn't owe her anything, and his LC with her since he got married is actually a healthy sign.
You also need to set some strict boundaries with her too and refuse her attempt to colonise your family to get access to her son. She doesn't care about your husband, or your children, which is sad, but her loss entirely. Don't get involved in any kind of mediation between her and BIL.

I definitely wouldn’t place myself in between MIL and BIL as any kind of communications conduit or enforcement. I wouldn’t even mention MIL to BIL and vice versa.

I don't think BIL needs to take any responsibility for his ridiculous parent.

You need to stop being "flying monkeys" and accepting the gifts on behalf of him from your MIL. Tell her no, you will not be forwarding any items on, and if necessary help her put them back in her car.

I suggest you take a leaf out of his book, and be a little bit more "busy" when she tries to invite herself.

I suspect your relationship with your BIL and his wife will improve 10 fold.