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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

215 replies

YourJadeLion · 10/12/2025 20:59

I’m seeing more and more women online and in real life leave loyal, supportive partners because someone on the internet told them they “deserve more” or “shouldn’t settle.” And the people giving that advice are often living chaotic, emotionally unstable or completely unaccountable lives. Some of these women had husbands who were faithful, consistent and kind but got convinced that because their relationship wasn’t hyper-romantic or perfectly Instagrammable, it wasn’t enough.

I’m all for leaving toxic or abusive relationships. But AIBU to think a lot of women are being manipulated by dysfunction disguised as empowerment and they’ll end up lonely, regretting it and wondering where it all went wrong?

(Not anti-feminism. Just pro-critical thinking.)

OP posts:
5128gap · 10/12/2025 21:18

TrippingOverMyAssets · 10/12/2025 21:08

Oh come on. You’ve never seen the way they all pile on OPs on here gagging for them to end their marriage over some pointless little disagreement and then get all disappointed when the OP decides it’s not worth divorcing over?

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I've seen people suggest women leave relationships for things I personally wouldn't leave over, yes. However I have never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling relationship because they've been persuaded to by someone online or in real life. Have you?

wheresmymojo · 10/12/2025 21:17

YourJadeLion · 10/12/2025 21:09

I don’t think it’s usually one comment that makes someone leave, it’s cumulative. What I’ve seen (and read, a lot) is people already feeling a vague dissatisfaction, then repeatedly consuming content that reframes normal relationship realities as red flags or “settling.” Over time that reinforces doubt, especially when the advice is coming from people who are loud, confident and emotionally charged, but not necessarily living stable or accountable lives themselves.

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Have you actually seen this IRL though?

People say all kinds of things when they’re venting online. In my RL experience women stay in unsatisfactory relationships for far too long (years and years) before leaving.

Original poster
YourJadeLion · 10/12/2025 21:15

Horrorscope · 10/12/2025 21:04

Where are you seeing this, OP?

Mostly in online spaces - social media, dating content, relationship podcasts, forums like this one and occasionally reflected in real-life conversations that echo the same language. I’m not claiming it’s universal, just that certain narratives travel very fast online and get repeated without much nuance. Phrases like “never settle” or “if it’s not exceptional, leave” can sound empowering but when they’re applied indiscriminately they can encourage people to devalue stability, commitment and long-term reality. So I’m talking about a pattern I’ve noticed emerging, not a single dramatic example.

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 10/12/2025 21:15

TheGrimSmile · 10/12/2025 21:10

I don't see that. I see far too many women on mumsnet who minimise appalling behaviour by men. I regularly tell women on here they should leave their shit partners because they should. I am not lonely or bitter. I have a good husband because I can spot the wrong 'uns. Too many women put up with too much shit. But this is not what this thread is about.

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Absolutely this! It has never been easier for women to live without men, and that should be celebrated. We should never vilify or make women feel stupid for leaving a relationship. Women who leave unhappy relationships are not being manipulated, they are just fortunate to have the option to. Why should the goal always be to stick it out as long as possible?

JetFlight · 10/12/2025 21:15

TrippingOverMyAssets · 10/12/2025 21:08

Oh come on. You’ve never seen the way they all pile on OPs on here gagging for them to end their marriage over some pointless little disagreement and then get all disappointed when the OP decides it’s not worth divorcing over?

Show quote history

I’ve never seen this. I’ve often seen the initial op start like that then further updates show a horrible relationship that no one should put up with.

Original poster
YourJadeLion · 10/12/2025 21:13

BillieWiper · 10/12/2025 21:03

Do you really think the best psychotherapists would have never experienced any personal problems or made mistakes in their life?

Do you not think that people can learn from their mistakes? Good advice is good advice. It doesn't matter who's giving it.

I wouldn't want advice off someone who's never experienced the difficulty I was experiencing, or had understanding and open-mindedness at least.

Edited

I’m not arguing that people with lived experience can’t give good advice, quite the opposite. Many excellent therapists and mentors draw wisdom from having struggled.

What I’m questioning is the difference between processed experience and unprocessed dysfunction. Someone who’s reflected, taken responsibility and integrated their experiences can offer grounded insight. Someone who is still acting from resentment, instability or unresolved pain often projects that outward - especially online, where confidence gets mistaken for clarity.

So yes, people can learn from mistakes. But not everyone who’s been through something has actually learned from it yet and good advice doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Context, accountability and outcome matter. That’s really the distinction I’m making.

OP posts:
TheGrimSmile · 10/12/2025 21:10

namechangetheworld · 10/12/2025 21:05

There are a lot of bitter, lonely women on Mumsnet who seem to want everybody else to be bitter and lonely too.

I don't see that. I see far too many women on mumsnet who minimise appalling behaviour by men. I regularly tell women on here they should leave their shit partners because they should. I am not lonely or bitter. I have a good husband because I can spot the wrong 'uns. Too many women put up with too much shit. But this is not what this thread is about.

Original poster
YourJadeLion · 10/12/2025 21:09

5128gap · 10/12/2025 21:02

I've never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling marriage because someone online or in real life told them to. Why on earth would they?

I don’t think it’s usually one comment that makes someone leave, it’s cumulative. What I’ve seen (and read, a lot) is people already feeling a vague dissatisfaction, then repeatedly consuming content that reframes normal relationship realities as red flags or “settling.” Over time that reinforces doubt, especially when the advice is coming from people who are loud, confident and emotionally charged, but not necessarily living stable or accountable lives themselves.

OP posts:
TrippingOverMyAssets · 10/12/2025 21:08

5128gap · 10/12/2025 21:02

I've never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling marriage because someone online or in real life told them to. Why on earth would they?

Oh come on. You’ve never seen the way they all pile on OPs on here gagging for them to end their marriage over some pointless little disagreement and then get all disappointed when the OP decides it’s not worth divorcing over?

namechangetheworld · 10/12/2025 21:05

There are a lot of bitter, lonely women on Mumsnet who seem to want everybody else to be bitter and lonely too.

Horrorscope · 10/12/2025 21:04

Where are you seeing this, OP?

BillieWiper · 10/12/2025 21:03

Do you really think the best psychotherapists would have never experienced any personal problems or made mistakes in their life?

Do you not think that people can learn from their mistakes? Good advice is good advice. It doesn't matter who's giving it.

I wouldn't want advice off someone who's never experienced the difficulty I was experiencing, or had understanding and open-mindedness at least.

HoneyParsnipSoup · 10/12/2025 21:02

Agree.

The number of people here who cheer on family breakdown for the satisfaction of knowing a man with a moderate fault is ‘facing the consequences’ is unreal

5128gap · 10/12/2025 21:02

I've never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling marriage because someone online or in real life told them to. Why on earth would they?

Notmyreality · 10/12/2025 21:00

Yup.