To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

The brain does this confirmation bias, they pick and focus on what they already believe consciously or subconsciously. The OP doesn't present to MN as an empty recepticle, they come with preloaded decisions and ideas and they know what they want to do, but they are scared and want someone else to say it outloud so if it goes wrong they can blame the bad advice.

There is a place between pointing a finger at someone and accusing them, and recognising that children can be and are abused by people trusted by them and their parent. And that there is no way of knowing for certain which child will or won't be a victim. If there was, there would be no victims.
I see no issue at all in offering a child a place to disclose any harm being done to them. Indeed I think its an essential part of parenting that a child is encouraged to do so and knows they will be believed.
It's not necessary to say "Is such a person abusing you" in fact that would be an entirely wrong approach. It's just ensuring a child has space to disclose if they need to.
If there's nothing to tell, obviously no accusations will be made and no harm done to anyone. Far more harm is done by refusing to even consider the idea your child may be being hurt because you value the idea of trust and preserving your relationship over all.

I’m suggesting the OP maybe the drama queen. Do you think that every action you’ve ever done & or said hasn’t offended anyone ever including your partner. You don’t go through life like that & setting bars so high they’re exhausted trying to stay above it is unreasonable. Some people even post an accumulation of minor incidents & I sit there and think really. I’ve seen posts from women on here saying the left their husband, have no family because they haven’t spoken in years and now their friends are doing them wrong & people going your friends are rubbish. Have higher standards etc. whilst I think there’s common denominator in this breakdown of relationships & yet people advice is still you’re being wronged, have higher standards you should cut them from your life. Despite the post saying she literally has no one in it except these friends & no question is asked why they’ve had such bad luck in their relationships

I think that this problem - and I largely agree with you - is the problem that married life with children and jobs is generally much much harder on women than on men in practical terms. That's not to say it's all men's fault because I'm sure it's much less easy for men to be successful at work if they are serious about being present for their children, but none the less the unpleasantness of juggling conflicting responsibilities falls mostly on women and leaves them very little space to look after themselves.

Maybe it's not enough that women should just head down and press through that stage. I'm through it now and life is much easier and more equitable but I have certainly paid a price in my body and mind which DH categorically did not. I don't wish I had left but I wouldn't have blamed myself if I had tbh.

I don't know anyone that has left a good relationship because someone on the Internet told them to. I often see the opposite, women who are staying with awful men who don't do their share of anything, because 'they don't want to break up the family' or 'it could be worse, he doesn't hit me'

Totally agree
So many people here seem to have a hatred for all men
To listen to some on here all men are scum, cheats, potential rapists or murderers, liars
I must be lucky I have many male friends and neighbours who are wonderful as are my male relatives and colleagues
As soon as someone has any minor issue he is a cheat she deserves more- bin him off etc
I find it very sad that people have such a warped view of 50% of the population

I cannot imagine that there are many people who are such sheep that they would actually divorce or leave their partner purely on the back of advice from a random internet stranger.
Usually if their problems aren’t that big a deal, they’re looking for an excuse. The bottom line is they want to end it and why is immaterial.
I’ve spent a lot of time on the relationships board and can only think of literally a couple of instances where the op has come back and said they’ve split up. Sometimes they say they’re going to work through it. Most often they don’t update at all. You can’t count online examples from an anonymous forum anyway - the whole thing could have been bollocks from start to finish.
Some posters are very quick to advise ops to ltb simply because other people’s problems are always easy to fix especially when you have no skin in the game and can’t get blamed for any crap advice. That’s true of literally every type of problem that comes up on here.

This is part of the problem here. I am extremely sorry if you've suffered from domestic violence. But this is a classic example of going from zero to 100 that you see all the time on here. No one is suggesting sympathy for abusers. The OP pointed out that men are also people with their own issues and problems, and you took that to "I won't feel sorry for abusers". There's no need and I'm sorry but if that is where your brain goes first then you're projecting massively.

Sounds a bit like a friend of mine. She doesn’t have a great family- is now NC, but then is hyper critical of her friends.

if they don’t behave like her new family, then you are failing as a friend.

also, conversations are exhausting. If you challenge her world view, it’s met with arguments and falling outs. Even if her view is damaging herself more than anyone.

Do you not think the recipient of the advice is capable of weighing their options carefully and will have the intelligence to make their own wise decisions for themselves?

How many people do you know personally that have been affected by this? I know of none.

People will seek advice when they need it, it will be varied and comprehensive on here for example. In real life the conversations are more nuanced and gentle.

I see a more worrying trend of rape in relationships not being acknowledged as rape, violence being minimised against women and children. Women that are genuinely being used and abused in all ways including financially. Others getting involved with pregnancies with men with zero safe guards financially, because they give up work and are not married. The list goes on.

Poor behaviour is subjective, and what is acceptable to you might not be acceptable to me.

I feel generally that the advice on MN at least to be both, on the whole, honest and informative. In some cases it’s extremely valuable and life changing for those that use the site. Not withstanding obvious exceptions.

I’ve seen this - and in real life too.

Often had coffees with female friends who are going through a rough patch and feel dissatisfied. Been there myself several times. The ones that egg each other on often do eventually split up - one such friend now mentioned that she wished she had had some therapy and found a way to ride the rough patch out as the divorce was acrimonious and her kids were severely damaged by it. And the quality of her life as an older woman with no joint income stream, completely alone, is pretty poor compared to what she had before. Yes, her DH was a bit of a plonker and always working, but so was mine at the time.

Both our DHs struggled with trying to make progress in their careers and be present as fathers, especially when the kids were younger. We bought into the middle class thing of after school clubs/music lessons/sports training that, frankly, was a waste - my DCs gave it all up by GCSEs and have no interest in resuming any of it at uni or beyond. Waste of time, money and effort that also feeds the dissatisfaction cycle if your kids are not in the 1st team or make it to county level, or didn’t get a distinction in Grade 8 by the time they were 11… mainly because they didn’t really want to do any of it.

Just this morning my DH expressed via text the feeling he was a shit dad as he is in the US all week with work and our DS has A Level mock exams and he can’t be here to help with college runs and moral support etc. He’s also feeling guilty that I have been left with having to do all the Christmas shopping for this family as a result.

If I had listened to my friends - or the advice pages of the DM or MN trends - and left him like they had left their DHs our life would be shit now too, but we rode it out and are now closer than ever and looking forward to retirement one day as we have so much we want to do together.

I think there is definitely a narrative that mundane, safe, family life is somehow ‘settling’, that women deserve to be treated like princesses (seen that a lot on here) when actually emotional stability, mutual respect, shared values and being treated like an equal partner in your marriage are actually the most essential components of a long relationship. Obviously abusive relationships should be ended asap, but bickering and stressing over transitory family stresses are all part of the ‘for better for worse’ bit. You can’t have the ‘better’ without an occasional ‘worse’ bit. You can’t be ‘happy’ all the time. And would you really want to be?

i Think that’s a rather sinister way to go IMO. People suggesting abuse are completely negating the child’s age & the classic troupes of kids being asked to do a boring thing like tidy your room & do your homework. If we went around pointing abuse at everyone who upset an 11yo everyone would be under constant scrutiny. Abuse happens but that doesn’t mean you point that finger at something because an 11yo is acting as 11yo do.

They don't even listen and leave when they are in an abusive relationship, you think they listen and leave a good one??
OP's always end up doing what they always wanted to do all along anyway. They just like to type it out and air their issue.

Yes and the likelihood of meeting someone older involves more baggage. They have kids, differences in parenting is far bigger than that with you children bio dad. The main thing being the love you have for you child means you’re more flexible in their rules than you are with a kid you’re not that emotionally tied to so any bending of the rules see you thinking about them being spoilt & indulged. Or the 40 yo with no kids & little responsibility will have no clue of the burden you carry. You’re not free you’re tied & if they have hobbies& mates they’re used to seeing & partaking in the idea of movie night with a 5 & 7 year old is about as appealing as having a root canal. For those that fit a square peg into a circle are extremely lucky. For most they have to keep banging on that peg until something breaks

Nobody leaves a happy, stable, settled relationship because MN told them to. Women are far, far more likely to stay in miserable or abusive relationships for years or forever.

In most cases, the event that sparks them to post is just part of a larger picture, and as the thread develops, more and more comes out. The argument is often not about what it's about, if that makes sense. I've noticed that "had our ups and downs" always seems to be used to describe an absolute car crash of a relationship. Don't get me started on "great dad".

Well said! Standards are too low, not too high!

Not sure why you are talking about my relationship, which is based on mutual respect and mutual recognition of needs. But as they say, you do you (without insulting other people for their views preferably).

I haven't read the thread but what you see is loads of people online telling other people to LTB. Mostly for justified reason but whatever. You don't see loads of people actually breaking up their family because someone online told them to because you don't see what happens after the thread! I bet usually the woman just carries on taking loads of shit until one of them dies.

When a woman does summon up the strength to do the extremely hard work of leaving she is maybe given extra strength and validation by people online to do what she already needed to do.

Of course they only got your mom’s side. There are very few things that I think it doesn’t matter that the situation is you should leave & that physical & mental abuse. If your husband is lazy, not affectionate enough or you’re just plain bored, these are things that can be dealt with when both sides make the effort. Some of the advice I see my friends give to others really baffle me. I was often criticised for the advice I would give. Thats changed over the years as we’ve got older & my friends have actually admitted that they should have taken my advice and not those of the majority. The difference being mainly that facts don’t care about feelings. What you feel & what is true arent mutually exclusive.

I do think there's not enough realism about what life after LTB would be like. There'd still be co-parenting challenges to navigate and no control over a new partner being brought into your child's life. It could involve poverty, loneliness etc. If it's about a lack of romance that implies going back on the dating scene with potential for more drama with a new partner. I think people also downplay the impact on children with true sayings like "happy mum happy child" and "out your own life jacket on first" etc.

I think it's probably quite a privileged and/or potentially selfish position to be able to say "life is too short" to settle for a life with a partner that's comfortable but not sparkling. And I agree with OP that you do see this narrative as well as the advice to leave abusive situations.

I also do think a bit of self reflection is also possibly worth doing. Everyone has flaws and if someone were to describe your worst flaws with no mitigating context you might sound like less than the perfect catch as well.

Ultimately there's not a right answer but I recognise what the OP is saying. Sometimes it can feel like the sisterhood wants you to be angry at your partner for not being perfect.

Yeah I wasn't suggesting telling people to leave their partner over a load of dry cleaning is a good plan.

But that would be shit advice even if it was from someone who's life seemed really together and successful.

And I do know plenty of drama Queens who I would never go along with their suggestions. I feel I can tell if something doesn't seem right I'm not suddenly going to do it because someone on MN said so.

Bad advice is bad advice, it doesn't really matter who's offering it. Same with good advice.

I consume a lot of that type of content and don’t see anyone saying leave a long term partner over small issues or if it isn't exceptional. I’d say that it should be easy and exceptional in the first, say, 6 months to a year though - in the honeymoon period. If massive problems are coming up then that are hard to resolve then that probably signifies incompatibility.

I do see a lot of women staying in horrible and even abusive relationships as either they don’t realise the extent of how bad things are or they don’t feel they can leave (for the kids, because they’re scared, financial issues, feeling a need to keep the family together etc). It’s still very hard to leave a marriage or very long term relationship and women are still expected to put up with A LOT.

She can’t but how do the people giving out the advice know that the OP isn’t prone to exaggeration & can be a pain and unreasonable themselves. Yet people are quick to say leave. I would say the people jumping to LTB are possibly more chaotic & emotionally unstable because they’re not trying to be more nuanced & stable in their responses. Isn’t suggesting therapy a more balanced view than to say go & press red button on your life & see where the consequences fall.

I agree with this.

A lot of the time, when someone makes a post it is a last ditch attempt at trying to work something out for themselves.

A lot of the time it is just a reassurance of hearing from someone else. Someone who may have been in that situation. And am I doing the right thing?

So you think that the possibility a child may be being harmed should never even be raised? Children are more likely to be harmed by trusted men in their lives than by strangers, so clearly 'sinister' things happen in households where mothers haven't had 'a sniff of anything untoward'.
It's also perfectly normal when approaching a patenting problem to take an holistic view and consider whether there could be external harms behind the child's behaviour rather than simply defaulting to the child as the problem to deal with in isolation, so of course the role and behaviour of adults will be explored.
If people have suggested the OP consider that her partner may be abusive to the child, the OP will either dismiss this out of hand or something will chime and she will decide to explore further.
'Allowing her trust in her partner to be broken' isn't possible. She will either trust him and dismiss the comments as ridiculous or they will resonate because she doesn't trust him. That will be an entirely internal process based on her experience.