Dh and I have got used to being misers - difficult spending even though we have more money now

You need to push though the initial discomfort. You're in a great position because you know you can afford it, so the only thing stopping you is the anxiety and discomfort of spending.
Remind yourself of your goals - having a nicely decorated house, surprising your nieces.and nephews, treating your dad and his cat etc
Nothing bad is going to happen now if you spend money. Push yourself to just do it.

I don't think it's such a bad thing and you will feel different over time.
I was brought up in a family with very little money in the 60s, as was DH. We have been fairly comfortable since our 20s but always remained careful on spending. Never borrowed money, bought a house well below what we could have afforded, never bought the latest gadgets or phones.
When I went part time after having DC I was a bit too cautious about spending money but gradually got used to it.
We did however spend money on some things such as good quality food and holidays and the DC.
Our DC have grown up now but have very similar attitudes to money, savers not spenders. When DS2 got a large promotion and pay rise at 24 he said "there'll be no lifestyle inflation" and he's largely stuck to it.

OP, let yourself relax into it slowly. Spend on some things and keep your frugal habits on others. It will stand you in good stead long term.

What about allocating a total budget. Then increase it by 10% and try that this year. And going to shops in the morning when it’s quiet and actually touching the items is a better experience than online I find

Would it help if you set aside a monthly budget for fun stuff once needs and savings are covered? It doesn't have to be large.

Also, could you think in terms of value for money rather than price? For example, there are certain things that might be worth paying more for e.g. coats, shoes and knitwear.

I wouldn't buy a Christmas cushion either and I'm a bit of a spender 🤣 I think it's important to work out what you value, for example I love food and wine, so I am spending quite a bit on meals out and I got 8 bottles from the indie wine merchant. I also spend a lot on my family and holidays, but I don't really care for clothes so buy a lot second hand or just don't buy many. I spend virtually nothing on homeware as I'm just not interested. I think start treating yourself on things you really enjoy, not what you think everyone else is buying!

I was brought up in a way that I considered to be totally normal - be careful with money

So things like buying a coffee for the office passed me by. Taking a packed lunch in was completely normal.

I find that I still can't spend money on stuff. Also, something like decorating for Christmas, we would just take out the same stuff and use it every year. I'm 49 and I think that's pretty normal in generational terms.

For an actual gift, yes, I could spend that money, but I think it depends whether you would buy them a random gift for no reason. If you feel obliged to do so for Christmas, then it is a bit different.

My parents also stopped me buying Christmas gifts for them absolutely ages ago - the pointless exchange of money, etc.

if you actually want the Christmas cushion, buy it. If you don't, then don't.

I don't actually think this is something to worry about. It's not like you're saying you won't put the heating on if you're cold and wearing three layers?

In that regard, one of Mum's friends got pneumonia last year and paramedics were called when he collapsed. They were shocked at how cold the house was and they talked to his daughter about it. She doesn't live there and she cannot persuade him to put the heating on.

Honestly, he can afford to heat the house several times. So that's definitely got into problematic territory!

Op you need to divide your money up

So once everything you are happy with being in savings and investment and other expenses, set aside money for fun!
Then you wont feel guilty spending it because it's set aside to be spent.

I think not buying stuff is a good thing. People just buy tat & clutter their houses. However, I’d spend on experiences that you’ll enjoy. Theatre, meals, holidays etc. Otherwise what’s the point of earning the money?

In my experience having to live frugally, going round the shops with a calculator and putting stuff back frugal, I enjoy the small treats the most. I can pick up a bottle of wine if I fancy it. I can invite my friend round and cook something nice or order us both a takeaway. I can't get into spending money on stuff for the house I don't need.

Most of my Xmas decs are homemade or second hand. I did do a Jysk shop one year when we were starting to do better and bought about £50 worth of stuff. I would never by a Xmas cushion from Next. Or anywhere really. Why don't you put money to one side and get some decs in the sales.

I would absolutely buy the jumper for your dad if you think he will like it and will wear it.

OP I grew up like this and couldn't spend money for many years because of the guilt. You are trying to make too big of a leap and you get so uncomfortable that you end up not doing it.

Start smaller. Do your usual Christmas gift plus a small extra which you wouldn't normally do. I'm afraid it is going to be uncomfortable until you get used to it. After Christmas you try and do this for yourself every now and then and slowly increase. What is a nice treat for yourself you would never have bought previously? For me it's salmon. I just didn't think that I am someone who would regularly buy salmon. It felt like a different world. I buy it a lot now but it's still a treat and I can't believe how lucky I am.

Over time you figure out what is worth it to you. You will probably always like a good deal and want your money's worth. There is nothing wrong with it. Nice things are also on offer sometimes. I bought Christmas mugs this year for £20 each on offer. So something nice but I still got a deal.

Try to gradually frame it as looking after yourself and nurturing yourself. Because that's what it is. You can't live off love. Life costs money. A nicer life costs more money.

Oh, another good rule for spending money I've found is to think about where the money is going and who it's supporting.

I'm very happy to spend money on music, theatre, books, art galleries - especially independent ones. I'll throw restaurants in there too. I want to live in a society where the arts and the hospitality industry can thrive and given the choice I'll spend my money on those rather than tat sold by corporate chains.

You aren't the only one OP. I'm just emerging from the years of being a single mum with a mortgage. For the last 16 years, I've only bought necessities. Nothing for me. Certainly not Christmas cushions etc.

Being comfortable will take some getting used to.

I sympathise, OP. I’m similar. Grew up very poor, now comfortably off but still struggle to spend money, particularly on non-essentials. To be honest, I wouldn’t buy a ‘Christmas cushion’ either because I don’t waste money on pointless tat. I don’t regularly buy cups of coffee, either.

But I do spend money on things which I enjoy & which actually benefit me. Nice wine & holidays, for example. There must be things which you actually want, or would like to do, or places you would like to go? Choose something, whether it’s a pair of shoes or a spa day or a weekend in Barcelona. Whatever you are actually going to enjoy. Then just buy it, then enjoy it, then you will see the benefits of spending on things you enjoy & it will get easier.

I understand what you mean OP.
I grew up in a single-parent household which everybody assumed was privileged but wasn’t, every penny was monitored. Then due to ill health my earnings have been checkered. DH earns well but I can’t help but try and prepare for ‘if something happens’, as it can.
Added to this our society seems to worship commercialism now, and I just can’t buy into it. I’d love to receive homemade cookies and jam far more than shop bought stuff. Your handmade effort if far more valuable than money.
How about if you want to buy stuff try online charity shops instead. Lots do excellent brand new ranges.
Have a happy Christmas with or without spending.

My mum has shed loads saved in the bank. She has cognitive impairment and has little by way of fun these days. She wouldn’t even realise she needed to buy something. All her money is being spent on full time care as she’s not safe to be left alone. She hates it. She could have spent so much more doing fun things whilst she was able and still have something left in the bank. Don’t put yourself in financial difficulty but don’t be like my mum.

I think it might help to draw up a household budget.

I use the YNAB app but I'm sure there is other good budgeting software or a spreadsheet would do. You then "give every £ a job" putting this money into YNAB "categories" - an electronic version of the cash into envelopes approach.

The following figures are just for illustration so your own figures could be half as much or many times as much of course.

So together you and your partner might decide to put 5% of your income into long term savings.
You put all your bills/mortgage into the budget.
You might save £300 into "cars" for MOTs/insurance and car replacement.
You might put £100 each month into "my needs" or break this down further into clothes/hair/beauty or whatever.

You might save £100 each month for Xmas.
You might have £300 a month for eating out and leisure.

The new year would be a good time to start your budgeting. By the summer comes round and you want a haircut and some summer clothes (and would feel guilty about buying what you need) you would have £600 waiting in your "my needs" pot for exactly that purpose. When Christmas 2026 rolls around you would have a dedicated pot of £1200. You might not need all of that for presents but you could buy your Xmas food with it too, visit a Christmas attraction, buy yourself some winter boots.

The idea of budgeting is that your budget reflects your priorities - so if you don't value expensive clothes but would love a posh holiday you put only a little each month towards clothes and a lot towards your holiday.

With buying gifts for relatives I think you need to match their energy. If you buy expensive stuff for people most would feel obliged to buy you expensive stuff in return. If your wider family are happy with modest gifts best not to escalate too much. Equally if they spend a lot you will appear tight if you do give them a box of cookies while they are buying cashmere sweaters for you (now your household is earning well).

We are a bit like this, so I set a new budget category for ‘absolute frippery’. I have to spend it and have slowly increased it to enough to buy nice things we don’t need.
I have all the other budget categories sorted, gas, electricity, food, petrol, holidays, insurance and all the other necessary things.
You now need to learn to spend the money you have earned and enjoy it without guilt. It needs practice

Your husband could lose his medical tomorrow and be out of a job. Put the sweater back on the shelf and keep the money in the bank. Your first instincts are the best.

I get this. I find going into shops like The Range overwhelming as there is just so much stuff, a lot of it plastic tat which will end up in landfill. Plus it’s expensive for what it is.

I made a rule that something has to be both beautiful and functional or I buy secondhand from Vinted or charity shops apart from shoes (I try to buy the best I can as they last longer). I’ve picked up some really nice unique things like plant pots and original artworks from charity shops.

I think it is the poor value for money that is the issue now, especially with clothing where something pretty low quality can easily cost £50+.

I deal with it by buying higher quality items 2nd hand instead, it is much better for the environment too.

I am a bit like this although not to the same extent. We are comfortable financially but I don't enjoy spending money on "stuff". However in my case I do spend on "experiences" such a as a meal out or trip to the theatre, so I think it's maybe because I was brought up in a very minimalist home.

I think the answer is not to force it. There's no point in buying a Christmas cushion if you won't enjoy it. Over time, you will probably get used to spending a bit more. Let it happen gradually.

Oh I've definitely had this experience!

I was broke for a lot of my 20s. Nothing more complicated than just working in the arts but there was a lot of scrimping, saving, scraping pennies together for rent, that sort of thing. (While at the same time getting a fair few luxury experiences, trips and items for free.) Definitely learned to be frugal, save money absolutely wherever I could... and I learned what I needed, what I truly wanted, and what cost money but that I neither needed nor wanted.

I'm comfortable now but those frugal habits have never left me. DP is frugal by nature too - he knows what things are worth and has a keen sense of value for money.

I don't really see it as a problem. I don't think being frugal is bad. I couldn't bear to spend any money on a Christmas cushion either - I don't want it, I don't need it so why would I spend money on it?

I do spend money, and sometimes even splurge, on things I know I'll really, really love. Fancy restaurants are the luxury I'm most happy to indulge in. Honestly being broke forces you to have real taste, because you can't afford to waste money on something you don't really enjoy - you should pat yourself on the back that you don't care for Christmas cushion tat at generic retail outlets.

Check that basket of gifts for your dad and his cat out though. I'm not a big gift person but when I started having money it was the nicest thing being able to treat my loved ones properly.

I actually dont see this as being such a bad thing, though obviously it is making you feel uncomfortable, so that needs addressing. Just because you are earning more money, it doesn't mean you should go out and spend lots of money on lots of stuff that isn't really needed or valued. There's no harm in saving the extra money for now, and giving yourself time to work out what you really want to do with it, whether that is improving the house, travelling, retiring earlier, or treating your family.

We earn plenty of money but I would personally see a christmas cushion as a waste (if you really love it, then fine, go for it, but dont fell like you have to buy that stuff!). Same with armfuls of gifts for children - I only buy one gift for neices and nephews, there's only so much stuff they will appreciate at once. I would buy the nice jumper for your dad though. £45 isn't that much if you really like it and think he will enjoy it. So don't be "mean" to dont feel bad about not spending money all the time either. I still do stuff like buying the cheapest brand of canned beans. I don't know why. But I dont think there is any harm in it! If I think that something really makes a difference then I will pay for it.

I'm a bit like this. After becoming a bit more financially comfortable a few years ago, I decided to go to the garden centre and buy some nice plant pots. I even mentioned to my husband I was not going to worry about the price before we went. Incidentally he is the same with (not) spending money as me. We get to the garden centre see some lovely pots, see the price, look over at my husband and I say "well I'm not buying them the price is ridiculously expensive!" We did eventually buy some after giving ourselves a good talking too.
We do however continue to resist buying material things though we have a much more relaxed attitude to spending on holidays and eating out. I expect it's habit and doubt we will ever change!