To ask those of you who’ve had to go through something really difficult on your own, did it change how you relate to people afterwards?

Yes I’m much more guarded and watchful now. I’m more aware of how vulnerabilities attract certain types of people who enjoy and benefit from other people’s vulnerabilities.

I’ve certainly found men a massive disappointment - even ones I hugely trusted

Yes. It's made me not automatically 100% trust what someone says without proof. I saw a friend behaving in a way that reminded me of the person who put me and my family through something difficult so I ended my friendship with her. I view these as both a curse and a blessing as on one hand it's made it much more difficult to establish new friendships but on the other hand it's taught me not to be so bloody naive and to stand up for what's right rather than brush things under the carpet because they're my friend and I don't want to rock the boat.

People complaining about trivial stuff irritate me.
I let unimportant stuff slide over me.
I feel super isolated at times even though I've got my own family now.
I feel jealous of people who seem to not have had any tragedy or hardship in their lives.

Yep and it changed how I am as a person and how I am towards other people. I’ve learnt now, not to tell anyone anything

another yes here am afraid

That sounds very familiar. I’ve found myself in adulthood literally unable to call out for help in situations where I was in imminent physical danger because the idea fills me with horror, fear and embarrassment.

Same

I would say it did. I lost my mum to cancer about 15 years ago (she was mid fifties) and my eyes were opened, to say the least.

Friends of mine vanished, friends of hers vanished too. Some people were very good but in general the whole experience was one of disappointment in people. It was a difficult time as while my dad is great he is not emotionally forthcoming and communication is very superficial, same with my sibling. My grandmother was probably my greatest ally but she was having a very trying time herself after the loss of her only child so I was supporting her too.

I had a very hard two years (two of the family pets also died quite soon after). I reached out to some friends/relatives and they did not seem to get it, or did not have the capacity to support me. I was probably the first in my friend group to lose a parent.

Then I was lucky enough to meet my DH, and he has been fantastic. But by God it is so hard to be essentially on your own in the world.

This is me as well. I'm 35 now. I sometimes think I can't feel real emotions. I struggle with empathy. I'm distant in my relationship. I love my children and worry daily about pushing them away.

Yes after numerous sudden unexpected youngish deaths it made me realise life is short so make the most of it make memories now instead of putting things off

And which probably totally contradicts what I posted above but due to an awful ongoing experience with dsis who I am nc with I don’t trust people the same and now doubt people’s intentions. I am now more vigilant at spotting red flags and will no longer just go along with things to keep the peace or because it’s family.

I went through a life changing experience and a friend I had known for 15 years just dropped me over what seemed to be a trivial difference. She then sent me a letter which made me realise there were deeper issues involved. Yet she had never raised these other issues to give me the opportunity to address them. She did admit in her letter that she had been a hypocrite by not doing so. The effect on me was like a breavement. Worse, because I knew that someone I was fond of was walking around the world but wanted no part of me.

This experience has made me a great deal more guarded in my relationships and in what I tell other people about myself. I am low contact with my family. I dont share financial or personal information with most people. I limit any kind of contact with randoms and neighbours because I dont have the head space for them.

Yep.

Two things for me when something huge happened to me:

1. Some people - one person really - I expected to be there for me the most, were not able to set aside their own feelings enough, so I had to simply write them off as a source of help or even comfort. the alternative being for me deal with their emotions on top of/before mine, which were not my fault, but also not my problem.
2. Conversely, a couple of people I least expected to be supportive turned out to be great, not in any flamboyant gesture, but simply by not demanding or expecting anything of me which made it easy for me to do what I could, when I could. Plus they showed basic empathy and kindness.

Posted too soon. I don't even trust that once their grown up my kids will still love me. It makes me really sad, and it's not at all a reflection on them, but it's how I feel.

Yes, I don't trust anyone. Not even DH. In all honesty, I don't

I don’t like to admit it but it’s made me harder and less tolerant of what I see as ‘navel gazing’ - people endlessly analysing themselves and moaning when, despite a few normal bumps in the road, their lives are fine. It does feel like some people go looking for problems, constantly psychoanalysing everything and convincing themselves they have a condition etc

I need to soften up a bit but don’t know how. I can’t stand the whinging.

I found out who my friends were…

I have realised that I’m actually very capable . And that a lot of people are not.
The few who were a real support now have super special status to me as excellent human beings. The others are still great people but I now know their limits in a crisis.
I really believe in my ability to cope with anything now and feel more confident as a result.

Hugs and solidarity to all previous posters - I have also found out through several traumatic periods who my "real" friends are - I have three, and we're bonded becayse we've all experienced WTF / left field stuff that makes people back off sceptically if you do try to explain it.

They all have other people living in their homes with them and therefore other things going on, I'm the only one who is completely aline, not counting my two cats, whose conversation skills are a bit limited, so we're not in each others pockets but are "there" if you know what I mean.

My wider circle evaporated after my DP died nearly four years ago, and then it was one disaster after another with three close bereavements this year....

In summary, I think some people think that it's either something I'm doing or not doing to "attract" such a run of bad luck, or that it's in some way contagious perhaps. Then again I can't blame them as they have lives etc and probably think I wouldn't have the bandwidth for much these days. And my resting bitch face has been mentioned. Perhaps I'll take up face yoga.....

I dealt with SA as a child. It affected me deeply.

Some truly horrendous experiences, both as a child and as an adult, twisted me and I become a more selfish, less pleasant person.

It’s made me quite unsympathetic.

When people get upset over things that to me seem very trivial it takes all my will not to tell them to stop being stupid.

Yes, not people's fault at all - all well meaning, it's just not possible for others to understand certain things if they haven't been through it themselves. It helps to find others who have.

Yes, in a positive way. I wasn’t completely alone (I have Dh and dc who are lovely). But I basically lost my entire family due to a disclosure of sexual abuse (my family chose to support the abuser and I had to go NC, so I now have no biological family in my life, other than my children). It was a completely isolating experience. It all also happened during COVID, so I was at home, trying to hang onto my job, with a toddler, homeschooling a 7 year old, while my entire life collapsed around me.

It took me some time to actually be able to talk to people about it, because you don’t just tell everyone about your f-ed up family and your experiences of abuse. When I did, I lost a few people. But the most amazing thing happened: people who were barely acquaintances stepped up and totally looked after me. I have people who have become like a replacement family. One of my mum’s best friends for like 60 years doesn’t speak to her anymore, but has become like surrogate family. A few others just really stuck up for me. Not the people I expected. Not my closest friends. Really random ones who were like f this, not on my watch! It’s been totally restorative. It’s renewed my faith in people and my sense of trust. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot too.