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Original poster

DS hates new secondary school

36 replies

Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:00

DS13 started secondary school in September. He went to a completely different school to all his school friends who continued from the primary school to the secondary school.

DS has not settled in at all. He hates the school and has no friends to hang out with at lunch time. Prior to this DS really liked school and had a good bunch of friends.

I've tried to get him a place in the school where all his friends are but they have no spaces and said it could be the new school year in September 2026 before he might get a place.

My heart is breaking for him everyday and I'm worried about his mental health. Yesterday he just walked out of the school as he said " he couldnt take it anymore".

OP posts:
lohpetite · 10/12/2025 07:50

Hopefully you can get him into the other school and all will be well, but I wanted to say that in my daughters school all the same primary school children stuck together until around February before new friendships developed and lots were then closer to unknown kids. My daughter is now in year 8 and is no longer close friends with any of her primary school friends. All may not be lost if he does have to stay. It’s really hard for you (and him) and I really do sympathise x

AmbridgeGirl · 10/12/2025 07:36

I hated the first secondary school I went to. No bullying but I just struggled to make friends and was lonely. Remember a few times eating my sandwiches in the loo as I had no-one to sit next to at lunch. I’m so grateful that my parents let me leave after a few terms, even though I moved to a ‘less good’ school on paper. I fitted in much better and it was like night and day compared to the other school. Thank you for taking what your son is saying seriously, I’m sure just being heard by you is making it better for him. The waiting list for the other school might not end up being as long as the school has said.

Also, even if it does mean waiting until the next academic year, just the knowing that he is able to move could be a real boost for him, as it’s a time frame he can work to.

DustyOwl · 10/12/2025 07:27

Im sure you were going to do this anyway, but make sure you use the phrase “school refuser” as in “I am concerned this will develop into him becoming a school refuser”. Also talk about his “attendance record” if you have a paper trail and you have evidence of your concerns over those two things, it may possibly strengthen your case. I’m sure someone with more experience will be along with better advice.

Original poster
Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:20

dollyblue01 · 10/12/2025 07:13

This was my son he choose a school different to his friends as it was more sports oriented, halfway through the year he broke down and said he didn’t want to go anymore, it was effecting his mental health, I spoke to the eduction officer and explained the situation, I put his name down for the other school and just after Christmas he got a place , he was like his happy old self again.
give them a ring and try to push for a place tell them it effecting his mental health, it’s better to try and just change it now.
its like going to a job you hate , as an adult you’d change it, not worth the hassle of trying to make them stay where they aren’t happy, especially not in the teenage years.

Thank you. I have the application form for the other school, I'm just waiting on school reports from his primary school. I will enclose a written letter along with his application explaining the situation and then follow up with a phonecall.

I was actually shocked when the secretary told me it was highly unlikely he would get a place.

OP posts:
dollyblue01 · 10/12/2025 07:13

This was my son he choose a school different to his friends as it was more sports oriented, halfway through the year he broke down and said he didn’t want to go anymore, it was effecting his mental health, I spoke to the eduction officer and explained the situation, I put his name down for the other school and just after Christmas he got a place , he was like his happy old self again.
give them a ring and try to push for a place tell them it effecting his mental health, it’s better to try and just change it now.
its like going to a job you hate , as an adult you’d change it, not worth the hassle of trying to make them stay where they aren’t happy, especially not in the teenage years.

Original poster
Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:12

He refuses to join any clubs even though I have encouraged him. One of the reasons we picked the school is because of all the sport and clubs which we knew he had an interest in. In his previous school he took part in everything.

OP posts:
DallasMajor · 10/12/2025 07:12

frozendaisy · 10/12/2025 07:06

Get his name down for the other school
And tell him you are trying to get him a place he just needs to ride it out until then - are there lunch clubs he can go to?

Problem with this is that it might not be the answer.

Firstly by doing this he won't make any friends at the new school because he will be waiting to leave - but the space may not come up at all.

Second. Everyone in the other school will have changed and moved on. It is common for primary school friends to drop off when going to secondary school, so it might be the same there as starting as a new kid is hard.

What was the reason he went to a different school?

It is also really normal for year 7 to be hard and friendship issues whilst they all settle down into senior school. Speak to the school, encourage him to join clubs. Good luck

Original poster
Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:10

NoXmasPudding · 10/12/2025 07:02

is there something bad going on at the new school? Is he being bullied? Are people being mean to him? Is he struggling with the academic work?

If it’s just that he misses his friends, then he probably just needs to give it a go and focus on his lessons and clubs etc.

I can see how it must be breaking your heart.

Not struggling academically. He has said some boys who are not in his 'base" room have made comments to him. He wouldn't tell me their names and wouldn't let me contact the school as he didn't want to be a "rat". My DD is also in the same school and she has said she has seen him playing football with other boys at lunch time but has also seen him on his own at times too. He said he hasn't been added to any group chats the class have and at the weekend a group of them went out and didn't ask him.

He does get up for school everyday but once he's there I'm getting phonecalls to say he is unwell and wants to go home.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 10/12/2025 07:06

Get his name down for the other school
And tell him you are trying to get him a place he just needs to ride it out until then - are there lunch clubs he can go to?

RhaenysRocks · 10/12/2025 07:05

Speak to his tutor and him obviously about what is happening and definitely look at the games and clubs. He needs to find his people who may not be in his academic classes. Keep a very close eye on this OP.

NoXmasPudding · 10/12/2025 07:02

is there something bad going on at the new school? Is he being bullied? Are people being mean to him? Is he struggling with the academic work?

If it’s just that he misses his friends, then he probably just needs to give it a go and focus on his lessons and clubs etc.

I can see how it must be breaking your heart.