DS hates new secondary school

Schoolregret · 2025-12-10T07:00:22+00:00

DS13 started secondary school in September. He went to a completely different school to all his school friends who continued from the primary school to the secondary school. DS has not settled in at all. He hates the school and has no friends to hang out with at lunch time. Prior to this DS really liked school and had a good bunch of friends. I've tried to get him a place in the school where all his friends are but they have no spaces and said it could be the new school year in September 2026 before he might get a place. My heart is breaking for him everyday and I'm worried about his mental health. Yesterday he just walked out of the school as he said " he couldnt take it anymore".

Nomorecoffeepls · 17/12/2025 12:54

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Original poster

Schoolregret · 17/12/2025 12:22

We don't live in the UK.

OP posts:

Almostwelsh · 17/12/2025 10:26

It's plausible if it's a private school. They are very keen for income these days.

Nomorecoffeepls · 17/12/2025 10:23

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LadyKedleston · 17/12/2025 10:15

This isn't true.

Treylime · 17/12/2025 10:12

Are you in the UK? This doesn't seem right

Conthin12 · 17/12/2025 09:38

Thingsthatgo · 17/12/2025 09:36

If this is a state school this is highly corrupt.

If this a state school, then I call BS

Thingsthatgo · 17/12/2025 09:36

If this is a state school this is highly corrupt.

Conthin12 · 17/12/2025 09:31

Schoolregret · 16/12/2025 13:59

So a quick update. School rang me today and they have a place in January for my DS. My SIL works in the primary school that is the feeder school for secondary. She had a word with her principal as they are good friends and the principal knows my son very well. He in turn spoke to the secondary school principal who he is friendly with and my son has now got a spot.

Secretary rang me to go through the subjects he is currently studying and what his friends names were. I've just contacted the school he attends now to let them know he won't be back after Christmas.

This will make his Christmas.

This can’t be the state school system

Original poster

Schoolregret · 16/12/2025 13:59

So a quick update. School rang me today and they have a place in January for my DS. My SIL works in the primary school that is the feeder school for secondary. She had a word with her principal as they are good friends and the principal knows my son very well. He in turn spoke to the secondary school principal who he is friendly with and my son has now got a spot.

Secretary rang me to go through the subjects he is currently studying and what his friends names were. I've just contacted the school he attends now to let them know he won't be back after Christmas.

This will make his Christmas.

OP posts:

distinctpossibility · 13/12/2025 07:32

"Emotionally-based school non-attendance" is actually the phrase, rather than "school refuser" as a PP says. But yes, the gist is the same - you're concerned this will develop into him not being able to go to school at all for mental health reasons.

Fridgemicro · 13/12/2025 07:25

Schoolregret · 11/12/2025 08:17

I was shocked because it wouldn't be one of the popular schools in our area. No cachement area,basically open to anyone who applies and numbers have been dwindling.

I have spoken to his year head about what is going on and they are going to have a chat with him today about how he is feeling. He still talks to his primary school friends on the phone and over the computer but he doesn't go out with them, rarely did anyway.

You were shocked it was at full capacity? They won’t be lying to you @Schoolregret

TheGoddessFrigg · 11/12/2025 08:20

Schoolregret · 11/12/2025 08:17

I was shocked because it wouldn't be one of the popular schools in our area. No cachement area,basically open to anyone who applies and numbers have been dwindling.

I have spoken to his year head about what is going on and they are going to have a chat with him today about how he is feeling. He still talks to his primary school friends on the phone and over the computer but he doesn't go out with them, rarely did anyway.

Interesting that you say he never went out with his primary school mates. Does he have difficulty with new situations or making friends?

Original poster

Schoolregret · 11/12/2025 08:17

I was shocked because it wouldn't be one of the popular schools in our area. No cachement area,basically open to anyone who applies and numbers have been dwindling.

I have spoken to his year head about what is going on and they are going to have a chat with him today about how he is feeling. He still talks to his primary school friends on the phone and over the computer but he doesn't go out with them, rarely did anyway.

OP posts:

Horserider5678 · 11/12/2025 07:38

Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:20

Thank you. I have the application form for the other school, I'm just waiting on school reports from his primary school. I will enclose a written letter along with his application explaining the situation and then follow up with a phonecall.

I was actually shocked when the secretary told me it was highly unlikely he would get a place.

Show quote history

I’m not sure why you’re shocked the school told you he would be unlikely to get a place! Good schools are hugely over subscribed.
on to your son, does the school have a pastoral team? Speak to them and see if they can offer him some support. Does he keep in contact with his primary school friends? If not encourage him to make contact with them. I was in a school I hated for 2 years but my DM ensured I kept in contact with friends from primary school.

Mcdhotchoc · 10/12/2025 20:30

How big is the intake at the school? If it's an Upper School it might be big ie 200 plus per year.
Even if they are capacity now, kids move all the time. Get him on the list and find out where he is on the wait list. My friends son was at something like 20 but got a space towards Easter as when they approached all those higher up they had decided to stay put.
⁷

DallasMajor · 10/12/2025 20:13

ThatWorthyAquaFox · 10/12/2025 20:11

You say he's 13 and started secondary school is he a year behind?

Some areas senior school starts at Year 9 so 13.

ThatWorthyAquaFox · 10/12/2025 20:11

You say he's 13 and started secondary school is he a year behind?

Haribosweets · 10/12/2025 20:07

As some previous people have said, you need to find out about the old friends. Are they still friends and hang around together at lunchtimes, breaks, go to clubs etc. Most primary school friends drift apart by Christmas and make new friends. Your son could be in the same situation as the primary school friends have probably forgotten about him by now and if he went they would be in their new friendship groups etc. I hope it works out for you and him though

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 10/12/2025 20:05

Is he still seeing/in touch with the primary friends at a different school? I think if they're not all in touch and meeting up, then you do get a place in September 2026, he might find they've all moved on and it's even trickier for him as he will have to realise his old friends arent the same. I think you need to apply for a place if that's what he really wants, and at the same time keep those friendships really strong. Have an honest, adult conversation with him

we are taking this seriously and have applied for the different school
There is a risk a place won't come up
you need to make a real effort to commit to the current school whilst we wait, join the clubs, make the effort, yes it is hard but you may need to do at least a year and it's only been 1 term
keep up any clubs or hobbies outside of school, and any previous friendships he has, so he is able to practice socialising and remember that he does have friends, is well liked etc

My son has just moved schools, he's a different child. It wasn't for the same reasons as your son, but I'm so glad we heard him and didn't keep pushing for years in the wrong place. After a year of misery, we pulled him out and used tutors until a place at the right school came up. There's always options.

LIZS · 10/12/2025 09:59

Presumably these are private schools ? Was there a main entry point at 13 or was he one of few new pupils trying to integrate? Is he still in contact with the friends, does he realise that they may also have moved on socially? They may seem to be having a more seamless transition but reality could be different.

Buscobel · 10/12/2025 09:11

If the year group is full, you would have to prove that the detriment to your son not getting a place at the school, is greater than the detriment to the school taking a pupil over number.

Do you think that you have the evidence for that? Otherwise, make sure you’re on the waiting list for a place and hope that one comes up quickly.

loubielou31 · 10/12/2025 08:11

As an interim compromise, could you get your son to join one club at school that sounds the least awful while you fill in the paperwork for the new school and wait for a place? I am thinking it could help him to know that it won't be forever, although how long is unknown, and in the meantime he might find a friend through the club. If things in the meantime then you can withdraw the request to move.

Haveyounotnoticed · 10/12/2025 08:05

Schoolregret · 10/12/2025 07:20

Thank you. I have the application form for the other school, I'm just waiting on school reports from his primary school. I will enclose a written letter along with his application explaining the situation and then follow up with a phonecall.

I was actually shocked when the secretary told me it was highly unlikely he would get a place.

Show quote history

Why were you shocked? If the year group is at capacity, they can’t magic up a place

Haveyounotnoticed · 10/12/2025 08:04

How come he went to a different secondary school to all his friends?