Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

Well you said “dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working.“ so he’s not that bad.

I think yabu

his job needs flexibility. You aren’t sick in hospital, you are going on a jolly.

is he expected to take the kids to clubs or activities at the weekend? How would that work if he suddenly got called away?

what about the relative on standby - will she have to stay home all weekend just in case you dh has to drop off the kids? That seems ludicrous .

if he’s called into work is it an emergency eg medical/safety? How quickly does he have to respond?

Your job is to be mum and homemaker. In any responsible job you have to arrange appropriate cover. So - you leave meals ready, you have packed overnight bags for the kids and made arrangements in case he has to urgently abandon them.

i think honestly I would just take kids to relative.

A mother shouldn't have to palm her children off to relatives when there is a capable dad at home to parent them.

I would also be wondering why there are emergencies nearly every weekend that necessitate the boss to be involved in, that doesn't sound like a well run business, or a business that is too stressful to be in when you have a young family.

The voice of reason. In addition to that he affords you the luxury of not having to work.

Honestly I think it's a bit rich that I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved. You're going away to have fun! I could understand it if there was no other option, but you're getting to please yourself yet deciding to make his life extra difficult for no reason. It's not like the usual arrangements are impossible. You've just 'thought'. I'm sure there's many thoughts he could have that would make your life more difficult for no good reason. Don't make problems where there were none. With 3 DC, a SAHM, and a self-employed solo earner in a stressful line of work, you'll have enough unavoidable challenges to manage together.

No. They are his children.

Obviously, he doesn't do the day-to-day stuff. But they are his children. If he's not capable of looking after them, he's a crap dad.

But one of these jobs is 24/7, and the other is 40-50 hours?

I don't see the point in this TBH. Why make life harder just to make a point?

Let the both of you have a free weekend and the. Maybe going forward encourage him to have more time alone with the kids.

Your husband should be more than capable to look after his children for a weekend. Has he solo parented his children at all for any length of time?! He's worrying he may need to go into work if theirs an emergency, and yes if profit margins are slim, then I understand why he goes in, rather than paying a staff member. However, he has no idea if he'll get called into work or not, at this point. All that needs to happen is there should be a back-up plan in place if that need arises. It sounds as if your husband doesn't look after your children on his own, very much, if at all. I suspect that because he's not used to it, solo parenting 3 children for an entire weekend has frightened the living daylights out of him! He's trying to put obstacles in the way, so he doesn't have to do it, and the children go to relatives.

I think the fact that the default is sending them out to sister/BIL is a huge issue. The default should be him parenting his children not leaving it all to you, then relying on the wider family to do that job for him.

Given his job he should be snapping your hand off to spend some quality time with his dc..

What a depressing train of thought, that being with your own children over a weekend is "childcare" i know i am only highlighting part of your post but it just stuck out as looking after children is a transaction, that parents who look after children full time are not deserving of any downtime.

Hear hear!

I run my own business my husband went away a few weeks ago for the weekend. I have 2 boys, over the weekend he was away. I had to work, take both boys to football matches, take one to cricket training, me and the youngest have season tickets for premier league team who were at home! I called my brother to watch the eldest one for a couple of hours for me. But the business didn’t collapse, the kids got to their activities and we were fed and watered! He can 100% do it

SAHP don't do 100% of the parenting job, otherwise they never get a break, whereas the money provider doesn't work 24/7 (and if they are on call 24/7 there is something wrong with business model. My dad ran a business with workforce, we still managed to go on holiday even abroad)

I agree with you that SAHM wouldn't be my choice.

But I still think the children deserve to spend time with both parents and I find it a bit strange that because the OP doesn't work, that you think that gets her DH totally off the hook from any parenting.

If they shared the responsibility of the providing "job", then of course they should share the responsibility of the parenting "job".

But it seems they've agreed that he does 100% of the providing "job" and in return she does 100% of the parenting "job". So, yes, chilcare falls to her to either provide or make arrangements for someone else to provide. Fine for her to ask him, but he's not available as he foresees he will need to do his providing "job". So it is up to her to make other arrangements as that is her "job" and responsibility.

FWIW, I think long term SAHP aren't a good thing, because it deskills and financially disadvantages the SAHP (usually a women). But if you've swapped your half share responsibility to provide with his half share of responsibility to parent, then parenting becomes your full responsibility, just as providing becomes his full responsibility.

Yes, he sounds pathetic. It will give him more of an insight what you do everyday and it’s only 1 weekend. Why should your family or his family pick up the slack?

YANBU.

The children are not an admin task, they are actual people who deserve a relationship with their dad. You can't do that bit for him and neither can your extended family. He would enjoy them so much more if he invested in building that relationship a bit more. Start a little "daddy day" tradition - pancakes and a film, or a trip to a great park. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated, just a genuine attempt at connection.

He hasn't had any choice about how many hours he spends running the business and how much time he devotes to that rather than his family?

Alright...

What a load of jealous bullshit.

Its ONE weekend. The kids will probably adore the attention from Dad that they don't normally get - so its in the kids best interests.

TBH she probably should get a job though now, not because shes somehow 'opted out of financial contribution' which think is a load of bullshit anyway but because her husband is an inadequate parent and he needs to step up and he doesn't think much of what the OP DOES contribute to the family and business indirectly. He thinks parenting is beneath him and for this he needs a rocket up his arse and no room for excuses.

Why do you feel that the dad has no say in this arrangement?

If the OP worked as well, would you then agree that DH should look after the kids for a weekend?

You can't outsource or delegate parenting. Even if you are a big honcho employer

The kids need Dad to be able to get off his arse and demostrate his own parenting skill, if for no other reason so they understand that parenting isn't just for Mum.

He's a self serving twat, who sees you as just another employee and you should be seriously concerned about this dynamic for a number of reasons.

No hatred towards SAHMs, I was one for a couple of years as that worked best for the family.

I get frustrated when people don't understand that working outside the home is a far, far harder job than being a SAHM, and are so dimissive of the person who is picking up their share of financially providing for the children, so they can have the privilege of staying at home.

I've been a SAHM and I've been the provider. The SAHM years were by far the easiest and most fun by a county mile, and I am grateful to my DH that he shouldered the burden in order to facilitate me doing that. However, I was back at work once my youngers was one, because I understood my responsibilty as a parent to provide for them in conjuntion with DH. Obviouly when we equally provided, we equally shared the house & patenting load too.

Came on to say exactly this.
Id understand if he only employed 5 people but at that many people he should absolutely have at least one if not more people who can cover him in his absence. Surely there's very few things that ONLY he can do as owner, and surely those arent things where he needs to be in the entire weekend. Appreciate that its incredibly tough out there but there are also plenty of business owners who will go 'noone else can do it' when thats not physically true. I understand, when its your business, your livelihood, but when you have a family thats surely the first thing you need to make sure you have in place in your business... if he fell ill and went into hospital the business would still keep going.

I would imagine that if the OP did work, she would also be responsible for the children at the weekend.

As well as all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, mental load etc, because heaven forbid we give men any responsibility.

If he's not working at the weekend, then he should be capable of caring for his own children. Even if he dose sometimes work weekends, he should be able to schedule some time away and leave his second in command on call that weekend. I assume that is what he would do if it was him going away? Your weekend should be no different.

At a push I might suggest he speak to your family and ask if they would be available as back up child care, for a few hours if something comes up and he absolutely must go in to work, but only while he handles true emergencies to the point they can be handed over to whoevers on call.