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Original poster

Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

309 replies

Plasey · 10/12/2025 01:38

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

OP posts:
Lidre · 10/12/2025 13:02

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:54

5,4 & 2?

well it’s case closed on who has the harder job then.

so to all those handmaidens on this thread who’d made assumptions and sympathised with the poor menz, now you know, no job in the world is as hard as solo parenting 3 kids under 6 24x7.

for me, no amount of money in the world (assuming you’ve got the needs covered) would be worth a life of this much angst over one weekend away. What’s the money for if you never enjoy it.

I'd much rather be managing 3 young children than running a department of 50 people, let alone being in overall charge of the business with everyone dependent on me.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:02

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 12:49

I agree the dad is losing out because he's having to do both parent's share of providing meaning he's not availble to do the fun side of being with his family. That's what happens when one parent opts out of financially providing for their family, the other one is forced to step up and shoulder the full burden at the detriment to their fun family time.

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That’s what happens when one parent opts out of parenting. The other one has to shoulder the whole burden.

Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 13:02

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:54

5,4 & 2?

well it’s case closed on who has the harder job then.

so to all those handmaidens on this thread who’d made assumptions and sympathised with the poor menz, now you know, no job in the world is as hard as solo parenting 3 kids under 6 24x7.

for me, no amount of money in the world (assuming you’ve got the needs covered) would be worth a life of this much angst over one weekend away. What’s the money for if you never enjoy it.

Do you actually believe this BS? That parenting 3 young kids is the hardest job in the world? How can it be when kids needs and behaviours differ so greatly. You know someone invented that line so that SAHP could feel like rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

I'm sure a SAHP with 3 young children who have additional needs is a more difficult job than say a GP. But looking after 3 "well-behaved" children, two of whom will be in full time nursery/school, is not a more difficult job than working FT as a GP, lets be honest.

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 13:01

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:00

I really wish this was a female only space. It’s such a shame that mn has been infiltrated by misogyny.

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But I get the impression some of the posters deriding MY choice for doing what I think is best for my children are women

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 13:01

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:53

And then I experienced motherhood and changed my mindset. I now want to be the one caring for my children day to day. Of course I am extremely grateful to be in a position to do so.

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You don't sound grateful. You sound resentful and like you're deliberately trying to make his already difficult life harder on a matter of 'principle' as some kind of petty powerplay.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:00

Howmanycatsistoomany · 10/12/2025 12:48

And it's insane that you're having to defend that choice. On Mumsnet!

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I really wish this was a female only space. It’s such a shame that mn has been infiltrated by misogyny.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 13:00

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:59

I suppose the principle is that dh can organise himself to not be relied upon when we go on holiday or when he goes to a sporting event at the other end of the country. He should therefore treat my weekend away similarly. He can absolutely block out that time. I understand financially this will have an implication but the kids need to be prioritised.

You've never answered why you don't want them to go to your family. It seems like it's just to be difficult.

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:59

I suppose the principle is that dh can organise himself to not be relied upon when we go on holiday or when he goes to a sporting event at the other end of the country. He should therefore treat my weekend away similarly. He can absolutely block out that time. I understand financially this will have an implication but the kids need to be prioritised.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:59

Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 12:47

A choice you are only afforded because of a DH who grafts his arse off.

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A choice he is only afforded because she parents 24-7. It cuts both ways.

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 12:58

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:54

5,4 & 2?

well it’s case closed on who has the harder job then.

so to all those handmaidens on this thread who’d made assumptions and sympathised with the poor menz, now you know, no job in the world is as hard as solo parenting 3 kids under 6 24x7.

for me, no amount of money in the world (assuming you’ve got the needs covered) would be worth a life of this much angst over one weekend away. What’s the money for if you never enjoy it.

Totally disagree, sorry. SAHM to 3 children (with 18m gaps) was the easiest job I've ever had.

Some parents do seem to struggle with parenting, but I always wonder why if they find it so hard and don't enjoy it, they opt to be a SAHP rather than working outside the home.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:58

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:47

Ok, so DH is working all hours to support your choice.

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As is she to support his.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:57

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:53

And then I experienced motherhood and changed my mindset. I now want to be the one caring for my children day to day. Of course I am extremely grateful to be in a position to do so.

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But not enough to recognise that its DH's commitment to his business that enables that? And you did say you expected to go back after ML.

You need to talk to him about how you as a family unit can change things. Throwing a tantrum and refusing to make the arrangements you usually do, so that you can go away, isn't the way to do it.

There probably are changes needed, but it won't happen overnight and you'll have to contribute in some way too.

Theslummymummy · 10/12/2025 12:55

If your family are fine to jave them are you wanting them to stay at home out of principle?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 12:54

5,4 & 2?

well it’s case closed on who has the harder job then.

so to all those handmaidens on this thread who’d made assumptions and sympathised with the poor menz, now you know, no job in the world is as hard as solo parenting 3 kids under 6 24x7.

for me, no amount of money in the world (assuming you’ve got the needs covered) would be worth a life of this much angst over one weekend away. What’s the money for if you never enjoy it.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:54

I also question what "We are certainly not rolling in it. He pays himself a fair salary and we are comfortable" looks like if OP could happily sacrifice a GP's salary.

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:53

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:49

Of course you'd need childcare, like everyone else.

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And then I experienced motherhood and changed my mindset. I now want to be the one caring for my children day to day. Of course I am extremely grateful to be in a position to do so.

OP posts:
Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 12:52

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:48

You said you expected to go back after ML...

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Haha busted 😅

TMMC1 · 10/12/2025 12:51

OP if DH has 50+ staff he is not self employed. It sounds like you are so far removed from having any interest in what he does, how he feels and the pressure the business puts on him that you have no capacity or desire to support him.
From what you tell us, I'd say you should be helping him more and not the other way around.

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 12:49

Naunet · 10/12/2025 12:22

So because YOU found being a SAHM easier, that means it's the same for everyone and justifies the kids not having a parent in their father? It also means that dad is entitled to pass of parenting to female relatives, apparently irrelevant of their jobs? I'm sure the kids will completely understand when they're older and won't impact their relationship with their dad at all....

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I agree the dad is losing out because he's having to do both parent's share of providing meaning he's not availble to do the fun side of being with his family. That's what happens when one parent opts out of financially providing for their family, the other one is forced to step up and shoulder the full burden at the detriment to their fun family time.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:49

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:46

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

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Of course you'd need childcare, like everyone else.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:48

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:46

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

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You said you expected to go back after ML...

Howmanycatsistoomany · 10/12/2025 12:48

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:46

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

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And it's insane that you're having to defend that choice. On Mumsnet!

Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 12:47

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:46

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

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A choice you are only afforded because of a DH who grafts his arse off.

Laptopinthelivingroom · 10/12/2025 12:47

Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 12:43

Great. Then there's nothing stopping you from being a digital GP, working flexible hours from home and helping contribute to the family finances?

Most 4 and 5 year olds are in school/nursery full time 9-3pm. So for the majority of the day you have one, well-behaved, child to look after?

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You genuienly think OPs husband would step up if she did this?

Lidre · 10/12/2025 12:47

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:46

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok, so DH is working all hours to support your choice.