It’s ok to feel like this, right ? Kids- childcare vs present parent?

Absolutely this!
Do it!
Do it now!
It's not just a cliche- in the blink of an eye they'll be grown ups!
My kids are 22 and 27. How did that happen?I feel like they should still be 5 and 10!
Luckily I worked as a childminder while they were growing up so I was there but, my God, those years have gone so very quickly!

There was some research showing (in USA) that 2 income families are MORE likely to go bankrupt than 1 income ones. "The two income trap" by Elizabeth Warren. It shows that the extra income is not as much as you think esp when you factor in added taxes and childcare and other costs.

I for one have seen how much more stressed 2 income families are, not just the parents, but the kids who are forced to go to endless clubs and never allowed down time or time to be bored. Not being allowed down time is what they do in CULTS. For me, kids mental health, having proper home made meals with the family everyday, time together during holidays are priceless.

However, you do need to think about future job prospects so i think realistically part time is best.

Your kids need you more than you realise. They prob don’t care about luxury and trappings / they need parental live and security which won’t be the same from anyone else. Possibly grandparents a good alternative, but if you’re striving up career ladder the kids will suffer. I gave up work when eldest was 2, took a 6m break and went back part time. Best decision ever for me n him. Was a shock to my finances but I would change a thing. DC are adults now snd im full time again.

If you spend time with your children you can build a relationship for life rather than some stranger in childcare inputting to your child. Bit like using screens, internet..random influences. Children are like sponges... just saying prestige and money can be chased again later

I took a step back and don’t regret it at all.

I used to hate the fact my children were in wrap around around care from 7.30-5.30 five days a week. We’d only get two manic two hours together as a family before they went to bed….and it wasn’t quality time either. Just a complete rush of cooking, eating, bath time and bed. I just hated it and so did they.

I still work but only during school hours now and although our lifestyle has had to change dramatically due to the drop in my income we are all so much happier for it.

What does your husband want to do? Do you feel the same? We both have demanding jobs, we still work them and just shuffled our time a bit. Wouldn’t change it for the world. We can afford to have proper quality time (for us, as in we think it’s more quality).

We have wonderful holidays and weekends are completely free for just family stuff. To us that’s more important than snatching an hour or so for breakfast or the bit after school. We know we can afford to put them through uni or whatever they want to do, and for them to feel their parents are equal in terms of time and love.

But, it’s very personal, I wouldn’t give up my job for a bit in the morning or after school, I prefer more quality time and attention.

My mum gave up her job and I don’t remember any of it, even though she did so much. I feel quite sad she had to do that as I would have loved a strong role model for me, especially when you read about all the women on here that have been taken advantage of.

I was really really ft for a bit and into covid. I neglected my dc terribly during the first couple of lockdowns and felt absolutely torn in 2. When we went back to going out to work and some of our wrap around and childcare options weren't available, plus the dc and I had all lost the stamina we previously had for being out of the house at 7am, I realised things needed to change.

I now work nearly ft but flexibly and mostly from home. I am available for my dc in a way that I wasn't before. They know they can stay home if they're poorly and that I will be at school events and parents eves and that I will facilitate playdates and sports clubs. They need me more not less as teens and I am so glad that I am much more present and have more headspace for them.

I think a lot depends on the financials. I haven't caused us any issues really, just more carefully planned holidays (and no Center Parcs weekends). It would be different if debt or mortgage issues were involved.

I never had a 'good career' as a Forces wife it was difficult..every time I got going, dh would get sent somewhere and so I made the decision to stay at home. We weren't well off (still aren't although ok) but I never regretted it, and would do the same again... in fact I gave up working full time (again!) to look after my grandson!
It goes by SO fast.. so incredibly fast. You blink and they are teenagers (who also need you a LOT...just don't want to hang out with you so much!). Blink again and they are adults and you wonder when that happened!

My best friend and I did the baby years at home together. She then went back to a high profile career and is probably one of the top women earners in the UK. I didn't. Her kids went to great boarding schools because she and her DH were away a lot, Mine went to state schools and didn't have many holidays and all the extras. But they had enough... and the things they remember isn't the trip to Disney we did, but camping trips, Dad burying them on the beach, us piling into the car after school on a sunny afternoon to go looking for sea shells... me being there if they were ill, or sad, or struggling with homework.

If you can go part time and keep a foot in your career for later... absolutely. But I genuinely think having one parent mentally and physically available to children really matters.

I worked 3 or 4 days when my DC were small but very demanding clients - so I’d also work every evening (into the early hours) and whenever I could snatch time at weekends.

I took a less well paid but full time job (with a longer commute) when they were 3 and 5. A sideways step, completely different type of role. And got a nanny. Plus DH stepped up even more,

The less demanding but full time job was (still is) a million times better than the part time job. Despite not having time off in the week I feel as though I’ve been around more. Since Covid WFH some of the time makes it even easier.

So be careful what the job is as well as the hours of the job. I always found part time the worst of both worlds.

I would also add that the loss of money was more difficult than I expected. I thought it wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t care, but when I couldn’t afford anything for myself for a couple of years until nursery was over, it was a different matter. I was still earning well but train fare and the extra childcare, and we’d recently moved house, meant I didn’t have a lot left. I also felt obliged to take the financial hit instead of DH, which was silly as I still earnt more than him.

OP I would say go for it - but don't make the mistake of thinking jobs that pay less = less demanding. I've actually found the more senior my job, the more pay and responsibility yes, but also the more flexibility over my time - meaning I can be there for the kids when it matters.

I wonder if a sideways step would be better for your next move, rather than a "step down" which might not be any less demanding... Or part time work?

It’s a hard choice, I did this when my kids were young and not sure I would make the choice again, I didn’t love the days I spent at home all day with them and when they were older and I was able to work more it wasn’t as simple as adding hours back, there was a major impact to my career. My kids are almost out of the house now and my career is good but I do still feel like I am a step behind where I should be. It has never been about money as much as what I want to achieve. Maybe I just see it differently now?

I've been very lucky enough to work part time and still earn a decent wage. It has meant we havent had more money but we live comfortably and I have been able to have a great work life balance. I did work full time for a bit when I was studying (I'm a midwife) but I hated it. My children were in after school, days were rushed etc. I went part time as soon as I qualified and never regretted it. I get to attend school events easily and enjoy my days at home.

When my youngest starts secondary I may do an extra day. We shall see.I

If this is what you would like to prioritise and you can afford to do it, then go for it.

I stepped back and went part time to be with my kids, I love being able to drop off and pick up my son several times a week and spend that time with him. Obviously it's an individual choice based on your circumstances, but follow your mothering instinct/gut if you can!

Someone once said to me, “you wouldn’t believe how little time you get before they don’t want to hang out with you anymore, they just want to be with their mates.” Right now they are desperate to hang out with you so I’d make the most of it

Your children will only be small and needing you more than anyone else for a few short years. Before you know it they will be grown up
If you are able to, spend as much time as you can with them while they need you, you won't get that time back. Work is just work.

It’s a very personal decision, OP. Only you can decide which compromises work best for you and your family.

My children are similar ages to yours. I was very career focused before they came along, but have been very happy to step sideways in my “big” (ish) job order to prioritise spending time with them. My sister had her eldest at a similar time to me, and has continued to work a very full on job with lots of paid outsourcing. She has a lot more money than me (though we are financially fine, so I recognise the privilege in my choices) but I would not want to parent in the same way as she does. I don’t think either of us is wrong or right.

YANBU. I’m sorry to hear you have been finding things upsetting emotionally.

I never returned to my teaching career when I had my eldest (now 7). It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I have felt truly happy and fulfilled as a SAHM to my two (youngest is 4). I love having so much time with them, being fully present for all the highs and lows. We have made so many memories, I knew that I would never tolerate missing a school event, not being there with them at home when they are ill, etc.

Society currently champions careers and personal achievement over family, but I have my own values and have always done my own thing.

If you are hurting (understandably) and craving more time with your children, go ahead and enjoy every moment- they are yours, after all 🥰

I remember when DS was little telling me about someone in his class who went to Disney every year and why couldn’t we. I said if I went back to work full-time we’d be able to do that. He said no don’t do that, I want you to collect me from school. It’s those things kids remember.

Absolutely do it. No hesitation. You get stuck in a world where you nees to earn money for the relaxing holidays and nice clothes but the reality is that when life is less shit you don't need those things. You have an opportunity to make your whole families life's better including your DH. I lost all ambition when my children were that age. Expected it to return when they were older and I'm so happy it hasn't. I'm self employed in a job I love, earn enough for a good standard of living and more importantly am not constantly stressed and rushing around.

Childhood is so quick.. honestly time with children over money any time. You won't regret it. You will never regret the time spent with children especially when they young.

Personally I chose to step back and work 3 days rather than continue to progress my career. It was because wanted to be around for my kids, at least some of the time. They’re now in the final years of secondary school and I don’t regret it.

I think it depends exactly what you envision doing, to be honest.

I am a teacher. My colleagues will often lament the job (with good reason I might add) but I do hear these sorts of things a lot I’m not saying I won’t work - but I’m looking to step into a less demanding role

Some roles that are ‘not demanding’ actually are bloody hard work, not flexible, anti social and poorly paid. I know some of my colleagues see stacking shelves at Tesco as living the dream; it isn’t.

I personally would always recommend part time work if you can but that’s for your benefit and not just your children’s. Full time work and parenting as well is absolutely gruelling.

I agree. I have an easy job with a good wage but no inclination to push any further up the chain at the moment. Current job offers WFH, flexibility and time with kids and no amount of money would make me give that up at the moment. DH has a great paying job but very little flexibility and no WFH. It is hard to manage if both parents have jobs like that, especially if like us you have no family support.