AIBU to ask you to help me create an amazing life for myself?

You can't find someone to be your person when your ex is taking that emotional space.

Enmeshment isn't very healthy so maybe that's where you start. Clear out the fog of enmeshment and open yourself to new relationships, and not just romantic.

Find a reliable pet sitter. Get your dog some advanced training where you meet other dog owners.

Try something different every day. A different walk, a different type of activity or exercise, cook and eat a new dish, see a movie you've wanted to see but never got around to seeing.

There are so many meetup groups in London. Have a look. There are walking/hiking ones, socialising ones, culture vulture types and so many more. You could be doing something every weekend.
Join a couple of exercise classes weekday evenings.
Read, watch tv or do a course instead of doomscrolling all evening. So many courses you could do for free or low cost. Look at Open University, Coursera and Futurelearn.

Do You work? It sounds like you feel like you are on a treadmill which is not unusual. I suggest you make small changes initially rather than giving up your job, moving hundreds of miles away or ditching your boyfriend although it sounds like it is an unequal relationship. Work on your own self worth initially. Take up a hobby, resolve to exercise more and stick to a healthy diet and rely less on your boyfriend for emotional support. You know the old saying, you cannot love another until you learn to love yourself. Work on your confidence, mental health and resilience.

I was in your position two years ago and one of the things a friend asked me was, “what would you do if you woke up tomorrow two stone lighter?” And I realised that the two extra stone weren’t really holding me back. I didn’t want to be a model or run marathons.

I ended up giving myself a budget and booking one lovely thing a month. Theatre, gigs, poetry nights, art shows etc. some things I knew I’d probably love, some things completely new. I did most of these things on my own, because I realised I’d stopped myself doing stuff because I had no one to go with.

I also started having at least a half hour walk every day. All weathers, just getting out there. Put music or a podcast in my ears and walked.

I reconnected with people. I’d been hiding away because I thought I was boring. So I asked friends to meet for coffee, or to join me on my walks.

I know none of this is mind blowing, but it’s worked for me. I have a very boring job that pays NMW. But it also funds my life. And I like my life now!

As an aside, I’ve lost the two stone without even trying. Just focussed on joy, made time for it and my weight took care of itself.

Good luck, OP! This is a fun project and I hope you look back at this thread in a year’s time and feel great about yourself.

In your shoes, I’d shake things up much more comprehensively by moving overseas for a while (or potentially indefinitely, if I liked it and it were possible) — London isn’t going to go away, and you’re single and footloose and fancy-free. You don’t mention a career. What do you do, and is there any potential to move abroad with work? Or, alternatively, to take a career break and do something entirely different? If you rented out your London flat, could you find a period of travel? Nothing like a new culture, language, climate, landscape, people to shake you out of a rut. And it will get you away from your ex, who is keeping you in your rut.

But I’d book myself a solo holiday somewhere you’ve never been, and while away, think more seriously about what I wanted my life to be like. If you imagine an ideal life, what would it look like for you? Do you want to continue to live in London? If not, where? Do you want to stay in your current work field? If not, what would you like to do instead? Do you want to stay single or would you like a relationship? Would you like to have a child?

You’re young and have few ties that hinder you from reinventing yourself completely, if that’s what you want.

Some good advice shared. I'd echo reading and pilates. Perhaps you might consider structuring your evenings to replace doom scrolling (I'm also guilty) e.g. mon - phone free walk, Tues - cook new healthy meal, Wed - new hobby. I would deffo recommend prioritising early night sleeps.

This is an exciting thread, I love it!

Some great ideas @Lycheeloverr . FWIW I have probably got the most out of the courses I’ve done- friends and productive hobbies that bring me joy. One was in a creative area and the other in philosophy. If you can’t think of anything, look back at hobbies and interests you had as a child or teen, or things you used to think you’d do ‘one day’. Learn to make your own clothes? Do a nail art course? Learn book binding or floristry? Learn to dj?

Other things that have helped me to feel stable and secure enough to make other changes have been creating a sanctuary within the walls of my home, a space I love to come back to. Allowing myself to do what I want at home while being disciplined enough to keep it clean and tidy, which keeps it pleasant to be in.

Also in your local area maybe there are interesting groups- art collective, samba band, poetry night at a local pub or cafe, folk night, comedy club, philosophy discussion, political party, salsa? Social media can be useful to find this sort of thing (if little else)- it can also offer inspiration, like Lucy and Yak once featured a woman who’d switched careers to be a florist in her late forties and I thought that was awesome, nearly reconsidered my own career but I’ve recently switched so I thought I should stick to that!!

please keep us updated, I would love to know what you decide to do!

Girl get on borrow my.doggy and make a plan B that can become your plan A.

This website has a diagram
https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html
Basically you are further away from being in a healthy relationship than a single person as you are basically bottom of the staircase.
To ever get into a healthy relationship you need to bin this guy off so you might as well do it now and get closer to happy and healthy.

If you like fitness i recommend fitness bootcamp holidays (trimmeryou, no1 bootcamp etc) some of the women who go have more issues than vogue but i have made 3 or 4 good friends from them...

Whereabouts in London are you? I’m also in London and I can relate to so much of this. I have a good career and I’m also studying but I spend (waste) SO much time phone staring. Someone on MN once described it as “a bovine activity” so I refer to it as bovine-ing. I want to be more productive and creative but it feels like I’m lying under a boulder, and the boulder is my brain. If you want to message me perhaps we can motivate each other!

Good for you for recognising the rut and knowing you have the power for change. That's half the battle.

I think buy yourself a diary and goal plan. Search your soul and write down what you want to achieve, like 2 new friends. 2 projects at home etc. Different angles but not too much together. Try a new adult ed class every term, so 3 a year. Try a new exercise every 3 months until you enjoy something. Volunteer in 3 places before you decide if you like it or not. Join a social club (books, card playing etc). Fill your calendar with enjoyable things and make an appointment to revisit in exactly one year.

Re your looks buy yourself some quality clothes in the size you are now. It won't stop you losing weight if anything it will egg you on. When I'm feeling good I binge less and the weight is more likely to come off. Try to look good while exercising too. It motivates you.. I spent years wearing cheap crap because I was just about to lose weight and sometimes I did, but it was only when I started to love myself more and value my appearance more that I found I could motivate myself properly.

You live in London? Brilliant. How about, one day a week, you do something cultural on your own.

Go to the cinema. Visit a gallery. See an exhibition. Go to the theatre. Visit an attraction.

Aside from your own enrichment, OP, when you meet new people - you've got to have something to talk about! And there you are, in one of the most cultural cities in the world.

Also, though - stream a new TV series, rather than doomscrolling! TV is a great connector.

Plan baby steps.

Plan to try one new thing each week to start with. It could be just a different food or a different route home

Try volunteering. Don't expect instant friendships, rather that over time you will build new connections and gain new connections

Try a new hobby. Maybe plan to keep trying different things till something clicks with you. Or try something and stick with it for a year because sometimes it takes time to discover whether you really like something

Learn something new. To start with try a free online course.

Aim to read more instead of doomscrolling. Try joining an app like Storygraph and set yourself goals to motivate yourself. Aim for a mix of fiction and non fiction (if you want someone to connect with on there pm me )

Join a park run or local walk and talk group, you'll get fitter too.

Take a look at Gretchen Rubin’s the Happiness Project- a book and website ( maybe podcasts too ) with practical advice and ideas

Then … actually DO some of the things that appeal to you!

A beginners’ run club!
Run clubs are fantastic… healthy, sociable, free (or very low cost). It’s a great thing to do - you’ll meet local pals, develop a healthy and fun new hobby and get regular exercise in fresh air. I was two stone overweight, totally unfit (and middle aged) when I started running, and it’s amazing. Read ‘Jog On’ by Bella Mackie and treat yourself to some really good trainers for Christmas!

Honestly? While I planned everything else, I would go on the jabs and lose the two stone.

Go to a gym, firm up a bit.

Pull back from your ex, who is stopping you being emotionally available to other people.

1 join a sports club - running, tag rugby anything which is a fun group sport
2 education yourself more about nutrition (we could all do with this)
3 join a gym or start walking most days
4 find your girl tribe - a good group of women who you can meet up with regularly who are fun and bring you happiness
5 read a well reviewed novel once a week or when you can
6 travel
7 challenge yourself to do something in 2026 you would never have thought possible - 10km, stand up etc
8 perhaps do a night course in an area of education you’ve always been interested in

you can absolutely build a wonderful life for yourself

The best answer is always parkrun. Walk or volunteer to get started…it will open up horizons in so many ways

First, the fastest way to fail is to try and do everything at once so if you had to choose one challenge to start which would it be?

1. 'Glow Up' - focused on physical changes and includes new hair, nails, make up, colour theory but also trying new exercises and diet.
2. 'expand horizons' - this is going to galleries, events, meet ups, trying new hobbies and foods. Getting out of your comfort zone.
3. Career lock in - a big focus on getting ahead at work maybe changing careers or launching a side hustle.
4. 'Home Decor' - curating a little home you love with diy, thrifting, getting everything really organised so you have a sanctuary.
5. 'Relationships' - a challenge to build on existing relationships, make new friends and community and have fun dating.

@Bleachedlevis this post sounds like a you problem. Op I hope you can ignore.

I would second volunteering, it's a great way to do new things, meet new people and to feel like you're helping others is really nice as well.

I'd take up a class or learn a new skill you've always wanted to do like painting or language or scuba. Again a great way to meet like minded people and if you do it for your own enjoyment as opposed to be good at it then it becomes more fun.

What about joining a local park run that do couch to 5k so you can be out and meet others and get an energy boost.

If you want more adventure you could also look into group travel packages there's lots tailored to single women who'd rather travel with other women specifically if that would feel safer.

I think while doing all of that it's also nice to notice the things in life that are already good to help tune your mindset into positivity and resilience, so maybe trying to commit to a gratitude journal each day to find contentment with what you have while adding opportunities to the mix?

Daily walks, fresh air, healthy diet.
These will all make you feel better.
I hope you are working, you will need structure to provide a framework.
Yoga /pilates/pottery classes?
Just some suggestions

Controversial opinion?

I am very close to my ex boyfriend who I’ve known since I was 15 so understands a lot about my life and is my real source of emotional support

This sounds unhealthy and enmeshed especially if you are looking to meet someone.

When i was at a similar point, i "invested in myself"

I went to a decent local gym regularly and made friends there, I did park run, went for a massage x 2 per month amd went on really amazing group solo holidays. I got an amazong deal on a safari reserve last minute
Which was the best holiday I've been on
I dod local community stuff too ( volunteering)
That made me.feel part of the community vs living on some random street in london

I did that last minute ticket thing where you fill seats and I did it either with someone from work or a friend or went solo!

Fuckin ell, that’s a bit harsh. God forbid someone what’s a bit of joy and purpose to their life.