To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

My son had an issue with hitting when he was 4. I emptied his room of everything but the bed and every day he hit someone at school he had to sit in his room with nothing for the rest of the day. He came out for meals and to use the toilet. It was really tough and took weeks to work but it did. He very rarely has any bad behaviours now.

Quite.

How did you get to the stage of a 7 year old swearing and fighting!

It sounds incredibly stressful but try to see it from her point of view. Nobody loves her, she's been excluded from school, she's not allowed to see her friends, she can't do anything right. She probably hates herself and everyone else. Cancelling Christmas is a bit pointed in that context.

see if you can sit down and have a conversation with her. If you can both agree that things need to change and figure out some things you could do differently to help and some changes she could try to make that are achievable, it would be a start.

7 is possibly on the young end for that but I think doable.

She's not anywhere near a teenager!! Shes SEVEN!!!
Seven!!
Not saying she can't have been abused, shes in primary school. She shouldn't be spending any time with these kids outside of school, at all!!

Oh come on, this has to be a wind-up. In what world does a 7 year old fall in with a group of lads who at 6 or 7 act like thugs and act out of ‘toxic masculinity’?
Nah, not buying it.

Are you seriously going to punish a 7 year old with no Christmas presents. She is 7 not 17. She didn't fall in with a "bad crowd" she played with kids her own age who happened to have some behaviour issues. Kids at age 7 her parents could easily have pulled her back from. She sounds like a struggling child who cannot live up to the expectations of her older siblings. She also possibly sounds Neurodivergent or desperate for positive attention. I am actually appalled your even considering doing that. No wonder she has behaviour issues

If I was in this situation I wouldn't be spending a fortune on Xmas presents for my kid, I'd be spending most of the money on an urgent parenting course and/ or family therapy. I dont think badly behaved kids respond to "wake up calls" and adults wielding power over them like not getting them any Xmas presents. I would buy them one nice xmas present.

Btw I have been on several parenting courses for my own (difficult) child and have had a number of therapeutic interventions. The parenting courses were offered to me by my local authority and were free and helped me so much, was the best thing I ever did for my family. My child isn't perfect obvs but overall things are so much better than they were.

I’m so sorry, this seem so tough!

My two penneth is that not having Christmas presents is likely to make her worse - especially if she is stubborn!

I wonder if you could do the opposite approach - take her further afield to some clubs with different children, or move schools, or maybe invest in her more over this time (take her to football one on one?)

Focus on praising her for things she does right, and tell her how proud of her you are.

She is so young! And so impressionable as you say. There must be something else going on.

Honestly, if you do this, you’ll lose her forever and there won’t be any going back. She’ll always remember it. She’s too young to understand that cause and effect as the punishment is totally irrelevant to the behaviour.

I’ve just read your OP to my Au/ADHD daughter 18.
She said “Is she really going to punish a little kid for being disabled”?

It sounds (with your comments about CAMHS, alternative provision, not doing as she’s told, not having any reaction to consequences etc) like she is ND.
Please don’t punish her for not being able to cope .

She’s so so young - it’s hard to explain things to a child of that age but could you explain to her that she might be autistic? I can remember the moment I knew my daughter was which was when I asked her why she didn’t walk to school with some of the girls in her class. She looked at me and said that she liked to “think about the day ahead and plan it all in her mind”. At that moment I knew - she was surprised when I told her I didn’t need to do that!
She won’t understand that the world isn’t set up (potentially) for girls like her.

I would swap the nerf gun for something less potentially destructive though!

Errr no don’t do this. She’s likely in need of a huge amount of love and reassurance that you’re always going to be there for her. You need to wipe the slate clean and start again and get some help - start by going to the GP. Read books like ‘the explosive child’ or ‘how not to murder your child with adhd’ (it’s better than it sounds!!) You may be finding it tough right now but she is a baby and she needs you to guide her through this. If you take her Christmas away from her, she will see that you’re not with her.

She isn't necessarily ND...

I would not ban Christmas for a 7 year old as she is far too young.

I would build structure into her day, have clear routines, visual schedules, and advance warnings (“5 minutes then TV off”) reduce battles and make expectations predictable.

Catch and reward the behaviour you want, praise and give small rewards for gentle hands, and staying calm.Help her name her feelings. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from child mental health professionals.

You need to meet her needs, OP, before you even think about punishment.

Focus on connection, connection, connection.

She can't cope with her life at present. You need to address the reasons why before you blame her. At the moment, you're setting her up to fail.

If this is true, it's another desperately sad parenting thread to add to the ones that seem to have been cropping up recently.

So many children crying out for help and parents who find it easier to label them "bad". It is easier, I know, but your child only has you to fight for them against a system that will grind them down and destroy them.

Your daughter is 7. She probably still believes in Father Christmas. She will feel terrible and that no-one loves her.

I'm sure you do love her, but this is not what you're showing her.

Not getting her Christmas presents is child abuse and she will distance from you even more.

You are angry with her and you probably have good reason to be, but you're letting your anger colour your behaviour towards her.

Don't decide anything until you've stopped being angry because you're lashing out at her. She is copying your behaviour. You are the grown up here and you're bullying her.

You catch more wasps with honey than vinegar. Try being nice to her and see how she responds. Separate the child from the behaviour. Denying her Christmas presents at this young age will make her think she is worthless. And if you truly think that, then you are most definitely in the wrong.

The OP doesn't want the child to be labelled therefore no investigation

Are you sure she isn't autistic?

It makes no sense unless OP is a really shitty parent.

People (your daughter) won’t remember the things you said or did. But she’ll remember the way you made her feel.
She is a BABY. Who is obviously having enormous struggles for whatever reason.
Withholding Christmas would be one of the worst things you could do to the poor kid.

Have you had any parenting support?

You need parenting classes immediately. Your other children are a credit to themselves, not a measure on whether you have work to do yourself or not.

You can't " discipline" behaviour out of her, and by your own admission you have " absolutely lost it" with her, and scream at her while she shows "no remorse".... You can't even keep it reined in yourself let alone ask her to!

You have work to do! And you need to do that work before you punish anything, let alone crush her by not giving her a Christmas! ( I realize Christmas isn't presents before anyone comes at me...but she is SEVEN! ) Children make Christmas!

Your being nasty and reactive.

She doesn't need a nerf gun either....The sensory avenue is the one you should turn down, rather than projectiles...🙄

Your local children's centre hub will be able to refer you to the next running course.

Absolutely don't give her the nerf gun, she will use it against you and they can hurt. Giving her presents shows you still love her and she needs to know that. She's 7 and she's hurting emotionally and acting this out, terrible to live with for all of you and I hope you get the help you all need very soon

I keep thinking this was written by AI. It makes no sense. How does a 6 year old even have enough alone time outside, away from parents and teachers, to "fall in with a bad crowd"? I wasn't even allowed out of the house without supervision at that age. I don't think I started playing outside by myself till I was 8 maybe even 9.

I think you need to rethink your thought process. You've labelled her behaviour, even to yhe point of removing 'D'D.

Every behaviour is a communication. She needs connection, one on one time with both of her parents. She needs connection with her siblings, weekly games nights, movie nights.

Seems like all connection has been lost.

I know it must be a battle ground. I know you're overwhelmed. But doing this just puts a bigger wedge between you all, she is 7! She doesn't have the brain development to understand the level of this. Maybe change some of her presents to a hobby you can both do weekly together, to some events for the next few months you can do together, hobby that gets her praise and reward.

Also, if you haven't already, please get some therapy. Work through your feelings on this, you're dealing wjth a lot wjth four kids and then this stuff going on too. Work through it, discuss, offload, find ways to manage your emotions when every single one of us would be struggling given the situation you are in!