To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

Sounds like she has an undiagnosed condition and needs to be shown more love and less punishment so she’ll open up. Wouldn’t have said that years ago but I’ve learned my lesson with one of my kids.

Yabu. She needs help op, no 7 year old behaves like that unless there are serious underlying issues at play. I thought you meant she was 17! 😳

This is beyond cruel, you should feel ashamed of yourself @clubsspadesdiamondshearts. Your approach is a fast track to heartbreak, estrangement and therapy.

@JoannaTheYodelingCowgirlI am glad you have calmed down and can see your daughter is displaying ND behaviours and needs help.

The point that stands out to me is the expression 'coming down like a ton of bricks' and her having tantrums, which suggests she's very overwhelmed.

John Gottman's raising an emotionally intelligent child is a very good book on emotion coaching children.

My daughter has a huge amount of energy. I stuck her into football when she was three and still plays now at eight. It has definitely helped.

How come you haven't got help for her earlier?

You've had loads of advice, a lot of it saying that uou need to reflect on your own parenting.

So what are you going to do?

YABU.

Anger is sadness turned outwards

Hi OP.
I just wanted to reply and say you're not alone, my 8 year old was/sometimes is like this. Maybe not to your extreme but he can have pretty severe meltdowns and school is not his happy place at all!

We decided to try out jiu jitsu as it has major discipline and extremely active, a real workout. My son and 7 year old daughter love it so much now they train 6-7 days a week.

we find it's a safe space for my son to work out his anger!

I hope this helps

I hope and pray that you don’t have children or are in a position to influence parents.

Your comment is draconian, cruel and only serves to humiliate, ostracise and cause anguish to a little 7 year old girl who is already suffering.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself for suggesting these downright nasty and cruel ideas.

I felt bad for you when I thought your daughter was 17 but realising you actually did mean 7 then I really feel for her.

I like most others, cannot see how a 7 year old falls in with the wrong crowd, they should always be supervised and you as a parent can control who they see and what they do outside of school.

At 7, she should still believe in the magic of Santa, have that innocence and excitement in childhood things.

Op your little dd at just 7 years old is the product of her environment. The impact of the school she is in, and the children she is surrounded with - given she is ND is having a profound impact on her. I think you will come to see her expulsion as a saving grace.

Had she continued there, feeling angry and unsafe she would have continued into high school with this crowd and she would be lost forever. You have a chance to turn this around.

Put together a proper routine for her home schooling every day. Active Activities every day, get her running around as often as possible. Football, rugby, therapy, swimming and start joining home school groups with play dates whilst you wait on camhs. Don’t mention she was expelled, just say she is happier at home.

Do all the research you can to provide a balanced and careful childhood for her. Conflict management.

Start praising every tiny bit of progress. Give her as much affection as you can. It’s perfectly okay to love her even if she is angry. Anger is just an expression of being sad and upset. Try agreeing with her, and reassuring her. Make her feel safe and hopefully soon you will all have more support once she is fully assessed.

I’d be interested to know ages of the others, whether parents work and whether OP feels like she parents enough or did the other 3 require less input whereas her daughter needs more parenting/thought out responses.

The comment about Santa makes OP sound cold towards her.

Not the point at all but 7 is not too big for Santa at all…

no need presents won’t help, try play therapy. It’s amazing.

You have four children. Statistically, it was more likely than not that one of them was going to end up with additional needs. If DD7 had been your first, she'd have been an only. But she's your fourth, so you have a whole bunch of expectations from the first three she has never been able to meet, and you will never be able to fight as hard to get her the help she needs as you would if you didn't have three others competing for your time and attention.

This sucks, and there's not much that can be done about it. Your main job now is figuring out the cause of your child's unhappiness, whether it's abuse, or being the autistic child of people who don't believe in autism, or not feeling as valued as her nice well-behaved siblings, or thinking she's the wrong gender... there are so many things it could be and it's probably many of them. You just need to remember that she hasn't chosen any of this, any more than you have.

YABU. It would be bad enough to do this if there were no other children in the family, but to get no presents while seeing her siblings get them would make her feel totallyrejected (and probably behave worse).

This genuinely is the funniest thing I’ve read for ages 😂😂😂😂

One of the most depressing comments I have read on social media

This is a 7yo little girl who clearly is very traumatised and possibly unwell. Doing this would further traumatise her.

gosh. That poor little girl.

this family need loads of love and patience and support. Support which is quite hard to find.

maybe granny can help invest some more time in everyone? Less presents and more moving the body?

You are talking about a 7yo who is potentially Nd.

Don’t reflect back at her her own madnessr and throw your toys out of the pram and cancel Christmas.

that would be ridiculous.
she needs more love. More time. More investment. And you need to learn and learn fast. Damn. If it is that bad Ask family for money to get her reviewed privately.

a 7yo does not fall in with the wrong crowd and get excl from school without good reason. .

Whst else can you do…..
family therapy. Pay for it if you need to
learn more about her. Spend more time with her annd her siblings. Get out. And about. Get involved in the riding for disabled or local free golf or nature walks, basketball, athletics, sea scouts etc.
and Ask her what she wants to do and how can you help her to enjoy it and for it to be great for everyone.

Let me just adjust that having a child is a blessing and a gift. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle! Sure parenting is stressful! You need to understand no to people especially no two children are alike. Cannot expect your youngest to act like your older children. She very well could be autistic, bipolar or be suffering from some PTSD. And if she isn’t suffering from PTSD, she will be after Christmas morning if you decide to add more trauma to her childhood!
I completely understand being at your wits end, but at the same time you need to understand, God can take your child away at any given time. When you least expect it! Could be at 7 … could be at 31 could be any age. I lost my son couple weeks before his 32nd birthday unexpectedly. He was riding in a ride chair coming back from a pharmacy. A truck was speeding so fast behind them on the highway that it slammed into the rideshare drivers vehicle with my son in the back. That was December 2, 2023. His death was called on the 5th and since he was an organ donor, he was removed from life support on the eighth when they took his organs
Just think? And the blink of an eye either your youngest or your oldest could be gone with no warning. I have three children, six grandchildren… it was my middle child. The one that was the most respectful, and most loving the most compassionate, that God took home early… I love all my kids dearly, but the one that brought everyone together and that would have done anything for anybody… it’s no longer here and it is devastated our entire family. Every morning I wake up, wishing that I could hear his voice give him a hug … just like most people… our holiday season was perfectly normal with a great Thanksgiving…. everything was fine. We were looking forward to Christmas and birthdays since all my kids birthdays are in December. Then I get a call on December 2. From a local military base where serious trauma patients are taken to… specially when they don’t have a name, age or anything on the patient. Took hours for them to verify that it was my son… just remember one day your child will grow up and you can make her childhood and your life, a blessing by learning from each other and how each other operate and work and think. Bringing your family closer to God… your child needs your love more than any Christmas present. But that goes for all your children. And maybe you’ll be the recipient of a greater love in return… always remember you get much more with sugar than you do vinegar in life. Applies to almost everything, including raising your children you can raise them with sour and bitterness, or you can raise them with sweet and lovingness … God bless you and yours!!! 🙏🏼💞🙏🏼💞🙏🏼

If your 7 year old is behaving like this, there's something else going on. You need to get her assessed & Get her some counseling. Not continually punish her, it's not working is it.
She'll go no contact as an adult if you carry on and you'll play the victim card.
Poor little girl 😞

Hang on a sec OP, riding is one of the very few truly unisex sports, it might just appeal to her on that basis. Other things that spring to mind; karate, cooking, sailing (or rowing). All require expenditure of energy, thought and a degree of self discipline without making any of it too obvious. maybe her Granny would be able to help with taking her to try out a few things? Does she like animals, have you considered a dog? There's lots and lots of love going backwards and forwards between dog and young human, again without any perceived 'soppiness'.
I am so glad you gave up the idea of wrecking her Christmas (and yours as well!). I do understand that you must be feeling absolutely desperate but you are, sorry to say, going to have to draw even deeper on your reserves, as will the rest of the family. How are her older siblings coping? Do they understand that there is an actual problem, not just badly behaved horribleness?
I wish you all the best in the future.

That’s honestly one of the cruelest suggestions I’ve seen on mn in my 20 plus years of being a member. Nothing positive will result from that just make an unhappy child feel even more miserable, behaviour worse, all trust gone etc.

Poor child. Need help. You need help. Get therapy. Show her you love her.