Page 7 | to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 2025-12-09T18:04:33+00:00

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much. Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago. Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said. Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out. Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad. She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever. I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it! AIBU?

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:12

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:04

Sorry I’m not sure how your personal life experiences have anything to do with my post. People’s lives are different and people live their lives in different ways.

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I might have replied to the wrong poster. Sorry.

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:10

LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 21:53

That's totally fair enough, but it does kind of support the argument that perhaps the reason this wealth hasn't been discussed is because your friendship revolves more around your internal lives rather than external circumstances.

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That's well-spotted, actually. We all write as hobbies - met at a writing class - and our conversations are all about deep stuff - the mind, feelings etc - and not about anything external. She just emailed me a book of poetry that she wrote. I also happen to love the beauty industry, and I have a friend who's even more beauty-mad than I am. I discuss skincare and cosmetics etc all the time with that friend, but never with the friend who's the topic of this thread. And she's kind of on a higher plane anyway, with all her physics stuff. Bit of a mad scientist!

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Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:07

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:46

You have said several times, OP that you are not supposed to notice or are expected to ignore it. But where does this come from? Its not from your friend, but from you. You seem to have decided that you should not notice, but then blame her for it, a classic projection. She has not mentioned it to you, perhaps out of embarrassment that she is significantly better off. As you are old friends, why not break the ice - as in "Wow! This is a step up from your place when I first knew you. Do you remember that flat in ...?" There is no need whatever to ask her how she became so much more wealthy. If you said this she would probably be really relieved as it would re-establish a more equal relationship between you. I voted YABU because you have not spoken to her, thus putting distance between you that she may not want.😳

Exactly. Perhaps she’ll write a post asking why her close friend has never asked her about her new home etc.

Allseeingallknowing · 09/12/2025 22:06

If she’d wanted you to know, she’d have told you by now

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:04

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:18

When both your parents die, you can't really hide the fact that you've inherited, especially as I've been pretty upset about the loss of my childhood home, which I didn't want to sell but Sibling sensibly pointed out we couldn't just leave empty. (I couldn't live in it due to a number of factors outside my control.) For that reason, I haven't specifically said "I have X much now." My circs are really obvious.

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Sorry I’m not sure how your personal life experiences have anything to do with my post. People’s lives are different and people live their lives in different ways.

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:58

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:52

You might be right, but I don't want to risk offending her tbh. She matters to me.

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But it is you who is putting distance between you, creating a gulf that she probably does not know how to bridge. Sorry OP but I don't think you are helping your friend here by not saying anything. Its much harder for her to speak, especially if she is not at liberty to talk about the source of the wealth (its her DH's, say). Who are you thinking about - her or yourself?

LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 21:53

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:09

I've just never been that interested in him or spent much time with him. Our friendship is the three women.

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That's totally fair enough, but it does kind of support the argument that perhaps the reason this wealth hasn't been discussed is because your friendship revolves more around your internal lives rather than external circumstances.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:52

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:46

You have said several times, OP that you are not supposed to notice or are expected to ignore it. But where does this come from? Its not from your friend, but from you. You seem to have decided that you should not notice, but then blame her for it, a classic projection. She has not mentioned it to you, perhaps out of embarrassment that she is significantly better off. As you are old friends, why not break the ice - as in "Wow! This is a step up from your place when I first knew you. Do you remember that flat in ...?" There is no need whatever to ask her how she became so much more wealthy. If you said this she would probably be really relieved as it would re-establish a more equal relationship between you. I voted YABU because you have not spoken to her, thus putting distance between you that she may not want.😳

You might be right, but I don't want to risk offending her tbh. She matters to me.

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:51

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 21:43

I don’t discuss my finances with people and I don’t ask questions about other peoples either. I assume your friend might be the same.

I'm the same, which is why I haven't asked. But inside, my eyes are out on stalks when I see her new places.

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SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2025 21:50

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:39

She comes from a very poor background in a developing country and doesn't work for pay, so it's not on her side. I think he either inherited when his grandparents died or they won the lottery. Or they've suddenly started paying GPs millions!

When people found out the illness my dad had, everyone mentioned compensation to me, and I said yes, there's a court case going on. I know one dodgy person to whom I lied and said we lost the case as I didn't want her to know - she's a right con artist and asked me for seven thousand pounds when the case was in its infancy - but mostly, people do know that we won, as people with this injury always do. But they don't know how much. My point is, my circs are not this shall-not-be-named mystery to my good friends.

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youve never asked, she's never told. the time to ask was when she first moved in - gosh this house is amazing, the mortgage must be massive / did you start an only fans account / just how rich WAS the dead grandad? Otherwise it's like she's bragging. oh come round for lunch Tuesday, oh by the way this house cost 2.3 million paid for by the inheritance but don't worry there's a few mil left for our second home too!!

OopOop · 09/12/2025 21:48

OP who has told you that you ‘aren’t supposed to’ comment?

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:47

Babybaby2025 · 09/12/2025 21:45

Id just ask. I find the mumsnet sarcastic 'do your friend know all about your finances?' Responses odd, my friends know plenty about my finances, and I know plenty about theirs I really don't understand the taboo. Not even just friends, I know stuff about the finances of fellow dog walkers and mums I've met at baby groups 😂.

Just ask, and it's also ok to be a bit jealous. My friend recently got gifted a big lumpsome, Ive told her I'm jealous a few times. You can be jealous of someone and still love them dearly and be happy for them.

I know stuff about the finances of fellow dog walkers 🤣🤣🤣

How does that go, then? "Cor, your Fido has got a well sparkly collar. You loaded or summink? How mucha got then, with a posh pooch like that?"

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GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:46

You have said several times, OP that you are not supposed to notice or are expected to ignore it. But where does this come from? Its not from your friend, but from you. You seem to have decided that you should not notice, but then blame her for it, a classic projection. She has not mentioned it to you, perhaps out of embarrassment that she is significantly better off. As you are old friends, why not break the ice - as in "Wow! This is a step up from your place when I first knew you. Do you remember that flat in ...?" There is no need whatever to ask her how she became so much more wealthy. If you said this she would probably be really relieved as it would re-establish a more equal relationship between you. I voted YABU because you have not spoken to her, thus putting distance between you that she may not want.😳

Babybaby2025 · 09/12/2025 21:45

Id just ask. I find the mumsnet sarcastic 'do your friend know all about your finances?' Responses odd, my friends know plenty about my finances, and I know plenty about theirs I really don't understand the taboo. Not even just friends, I know stuff about the finances of fellow dog walkers and mums I've met at baby groups 😂.

Just ask, and it's also ok to be a bit jealous. My friend recently got gifted a big lumpsome, Ive told her I'm jealous a few times. You can be jealous of someone and still love them dearly and be happy for them.

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 21:43

I don’t discuss my finances with people and I don’t ask questions about other peoples either. I assume your friend might be the same.

CaragianettE · 09/12/2025 21:40

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:35

English is not her first language and so she's been working on the PhD for years - also had a family in that time. She's being a SAHM when she's not in the lab. So she doesn't do all that other stuff. She also did a master's in something not physics-related in that time.

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Sure - PhDs take a minimum of 3 years to do, and it will be longer if she's working part-time and has taken some maternity leave - but that doesn't mean she isn't funded. If she is, she will also have got maternity pay.

Again, I'm not saying it explains the mansions - it doesn't - but it seems like you might be assuming she's poorer than she is?

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:40

Sunshineo · 09/12/2025 21:37

FWIW op, I don’t think that you are being rude. If you were then you wouldn’t be confused about the situation, you would have bluntly asked.

Thank you, that means a lot, after some of the reliably shitty replies that you get on AIBU who make out like you're some kind of monster. (But there have been lots of normal ones too.)

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:39

ADHDdiagnosis · 09/12/2025 21:38

I think you need to ask

its either crime/ drugs

winnings

inheritance

you’ve missed the natural time to ask- the first house purchase- but I’d still have to say something because I totally agree with you. It’s weird when someone you are close to is so secretive. And as you say, she’s not hiding this wealth in any way. You’re being invited to see it. So just bite the bullet and ask how they became millionaires? Say it’s taken you ages to be courageous enough to ask because you desperately don’t want to offend her. However, with this latest house acquirement you have to ask. Big smile. Hope for the best. Then send me private message and tell me the answer please

Then send me private message and tell me the answer please

🤣🤣🤣🤣

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ADHDdiagnosis · 09/12/2025 21:38

I think you need to ask

its either crime/ drugs

winnings

inheritance

you’ve missed the natural time to ask- the first house purchase- but I’d still have to say something because I totally agree with you. It’s weird when someone you are close to is so secretive. And as you say, she’s not hiding this wealth in any way. You’re being invited to see it. So just bite the bullet and ask how they became millionaires? Say it’s taken you ages to be courageous enough to ask because you desperately don’t want to offend her. However, with this latest house acquirement you have to ask. Big smile. Hope for the best. Then send me private message and tell me the answer please

Sunshineo · 09/12/2025 21:37

FWIW op, I don’t think that you are being rude. If you were then you wouldn’t be confused about the situation, you would have bluntly asked.

Rosemary61 · 09/12/2025 21:36

You lost me at "crappy rental."

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:35

CaragianettE · 09/12/2025 21:29

From your original post, referring to her as an 'eternal student' is a bit odd. PhD candidates usually teach (and get paid for it), and she will likely be publishing papers, presenting at conferences etc. It's considered a job, a research position, in a lot of European countries and comes with a contract of employment, UK has been a bit behind the curve on that. Even if she's not formally considered an employee here, if she's in the sciences the PhD is likely funded, so she will be earning although I agree not enough to buy 3 mansions. If she's held a physics fellowship at Oxford she is likely in demand, and with the sciences there's quite a lot of potential for industry consultancy etc which can pay well. I'm not saying it explains the mansions - unless she's invented a car that can fly in her spare time - but I'm a bit surprised you assume she's earning nothing? Has she said that?

English is not her first language and so she's been working on the PhD for years - also had a family in that time. She's being a SAHM when she's not in the lab. So she doesn't do all that other stuff. She also did a master's in something not physics-related in that time.

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OopOop · 09/12/2025 21:35

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:34

A GP's salary as the sole household income would never cover these kinds of houses - three of them. The houses alone are magnificent and worth millions.

I don't think I am jealous. I have a nice life myself and a job that I love. I really wouldn't swap. But more, it bothers me somehow that the sudden and obvious change is the elephant in the room that we are not supposed to address. The three of us are close, but this change was never/is never mentioned.

Imagine if you had a close friend who was in not-great housing and suddenly had three mansions, and you find out when she invites you over, and you are just supposed to not mention it. It's weird. I really don't think it's about the money, it's about the strangeness. When my last parent died, I inherited, and he was industrially injured and also got compensation well into six figures, so I got half of that too. His injury caused his fatal illness, and this illness is known for attracting high compensation. So that, together with the inheritance, means that everyone knows why I have no mortgage, although I never refer to it or talk about how much I have.

I almost feel like she tries to pull the wool over my eyes insofar as I am just not meant to refer to any of it. Like she wants me to be blind to it. It's so odd to just not mention a change in circs that is extremely obvious.

I have not asked her because she obviously doesn't want to talk about it and I think it would be pretty rude. Someone said it's not my business, and I know that, which is why I haven't asked. I said that in my OP.

What do you mean you’re not supposed to mention it? Has she indicated that you’re not allowed to say anything? Maybe she’s confused as to why you haven’t asked?

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:34

DriedHydrangea · 09/12/2025 21:30

I’m aware you’ve lost your parents. 💐But you said your friend’s husband’s grandfather died. It’s not much of a stretch to link the new house to an inheritance, surely.

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That's what I said re. the death of an elderly extended-family member. But the poster I was replying to was saying how awful I was for thinking this way when the DH was grieving for his parents, when he still has them both!

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:32

LifeSurvior · 09/12/2025 21:20

Next time you see her just say in conversation nonchalantly
"wow your new house is a step up from that shit hole you started in Lucy, where did you get all the money from to finance it seeing as you hardly work?"
The direct approach 😁👍

LOL! OMG, I could never, but that's pretty funny!

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