to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

That’s a slightly weird analogy. Being comfortable talking about money with your partner/spouse, children, parents (in relation to wills/family trusts, elder care etc) and your employer is important but there’s no reason that anyone particularly needs to discuss money with their friends. You can, of course, but there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to, and to be honest, there certainly are times when talking openly about money can be a bit crass or at least insensitive.

This kind of thing makes my teeth itch. A relative once said she wondered where the money came from when we went abroad three times in a year. She was told to mind her own beeswax and you should do the same. If you get to visit again bring flowers, say she has a lovely home and crack on with chat about stuff that really matters.

@NewNameforThisPost2025

You say her DH's family is in California. I'm a born and bred Californian and where I grew up money (or the lack of it) was simply never discussed. Talking about one's own money is ill bred, asking about someone else's is rude. If someone drove a clunker and one day showed up in a Rolls it was fine to say "New car? Gorgeous!" but NEVER to say "Where'd ya get the bucks for that?". The reverse was also true. A sudden gain or loss of money (or the appearance thereof) was treated as if nothing had changed.

This caveat doesn't apply to all industries though. The entertainment industry for one is all based on how much money one has = how successful one is = how much more money someone will pay to hire you. So it's not uncommon to hear people discussing what their latest 'deal' is worth or how much something costs.

So it may very well be that he has sworn her to secrecy because 'one doesn't discuss money' or she just knows that he wouldn't want her to discuss it.

The friend hasn't done anything wrong or weird here. There is no rule that you have to either entirely conceal any change in fortunes or offer up a full and frank explanation. Maybe she'd be happy to say more if asked, maybe not. Both fine.

But some of the language here - irritated, dissonance - makes me think the friend wouldn't be doing herself any favours in disclosing financial information to someone who seems to feel entitled to it and aggrieved it hasn't been forthcoming.

Totally is not! Avoiding discussing finances is the equivalent of using a fish knife and thinking you’re posh.

I don't mean to be funny but you'd also be surprised at how many wives let their husband deal with financial decisions and actually don't know the ins and outs of their joint financial situation.

I think that if you cannot discuss money with your friends then they are not your closest le friends. Yes it is awkward at times but it is a very important part of all our lives and it is weird OP that it has never come up. How very old fashioned and uptight in my view.

She probably hasn't discussed it because this is her world. She probably grew up like this and has now inherited it. Why would she talk about it when it is just normal for her?

Commenting on material goods is crass.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don’t really understand why it’s important for you to know where her wealth has come from. Has her wealth affected your friendship in some important and negative way? If not, can you not just be happy for her without needing to know the details?

I think you're overthinking it ie you seem to frame it as a slight against you / your friendship.

If you were her you'd talk about it / explain it so you find it odd she doesn't - but she's not you, and some people just don't talk about money.

It's too late to casually bring it up (that would have to have been after the first move), so you just have to put your curiosity to one side. As you say he either inherited, or they won the lottery, and it's almost certainly the former, so there's no mystery to solve.

Maybe they bought some bitcoin for a giggle in their youth and cashed in for property deposits. Do the places up, rent them out to cover large mortgages?

Seriously?

I have friends of 40 years standing, uni roommates etc, and I would not dream of asking how they afford their home, kids, holidays, cars or anything else. How cringe it would be.

Maybe her husband is a doctor for an organised crime syndicate. Legitimately consulted with for large sums of money through a legitimate company. But the sums are hundreds of thousands to keep his mouth shut about the bullet and stab wounds.

We can speculate forever and organised crime links are one of my favourites.

It’s extremely tacky to ask in the first place.

Discussing money & material possessions is crass and low-class. No one is owed an explanation of friends’ finances.

I can't imagine having a close friend where this was not discussed, at least a little. How can you talk about the big stuff w a friend if you can't even mention this?

Why does it matter though? Can't you just be happy for your friend? Why do you care where the money has come from?

She might feel awkward bringing it up, it could feel like she’s bragging. Maybe she was waiting for someone else to ask, and now feels as awkward as you do that it hadn’t been addressed 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Not quite. I live in the north east, people are just very open and chatty. By the end of a loop around the dog park I often know a person's family drama, health issues and sometimes financial woes.

Lol just ask

My circumstances have improved in recent years from pretty unremarkable to above average (nothing special) and I've been amazed by how it has prompted questions about how much I earn and thinly disguised jealousy from a few people in my life. There's no secret; I have just worked hard and saved up to buy a nicer home than my last one, whereas the jealous comments have come from people who either don't work hard or splurge what money they do have. The reactions have really surprised me for such an unremarkable lifestyle as mine, so I can understand why your friend might want to breeze past a much more remarkable change of fortune. she probably enjoys having friends who treat her the same regardless.

I would have no problem asking a close friend, “How the hell can you afford this?” But only a very close friend. Otherwise I’d just assume it was an inheritance and move on.