Page 2 | to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 2025-12-09T18:04:33+00:00

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much. Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago. Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said. Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out. Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad. She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever. I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it! AIBU?

CamillaMcCauley · 10/12/2025 19:01

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 18:57

i HAVE a nice house and car. That's the point. Most wealthy people I know drive modest vehicles. My director at work earns half a million a year, plus his wife earns a lot, and they drive very low-end small cars.

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This is true. I work for a multi-billionaire and both his and his wife’s cars are ones that any moderately comfortable middle-class family could afford.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 18:57

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:46

I agree that houses and cars are the most obvious indicators that someone has money. If you still drive a 13-year-old car and live in a small house, then yes, it's much easier to remain mysterious about it. But most people who are wealthy do want a nice house and car.

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i HAVE a nice house and car. That's the point. Most wealthy people I know drive modest vehicles. My director at work earns half a million a year, plus his wife earns a lot, and they drive very low-end small cars.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 18:56

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:29

Upthread there are people all agreeing that they would keep their wealth completely secret. I'm saying you can't unless you never use it.

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It depends what you are inclined to spend it on. Not everyone cares about flashy cars and massive houses. 1 mill would be wiped out with paying off a mortgage and creating a decent pension pot. If you have kids you might want to cover their uni fees so they're not saddled with loan repayments. That's it, all gone and no one would ever know you'd had all that money.

If you win more than that you might want to use funds to support worthy causes or people/animals in need. You don't need to disclose your identity for that. Even 5 mill on that kind of stuff will run out pretty quickly. But it's not an expenditure anyone would ever know about unless you told them or wanted public recognition for.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:46

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 18:42

That's just not true. I have worked hard all my life and accumulated what people would consider "wealth" in addition to a six-figure income, but no one would know it to look at me. My car is a 13-year-old Ford, my house is old and on the small side, and I generally am clad in jeans and a black T-shirt.

What they don't see are the high-quality upgrades to my home's infrastructure, the luxury travel that I've been doing for several years now, spending ten grand a pop on river cruises and long-haul trips at my whim. They don't see the daily luxuries in terms of things like expensive perfume, high-end meat and produce, vintage jewelry, art purchases, garden enhancements and other odds and ends that add pleasure to my life. They don't see the ease with which I paid for the best veterinary care & medication as my two old dogs were aging/dying. I am insured to the hilt against any and all emergencies, I visit private doctors for skincare and anti-aging treatments, and have an excellent hair stylist without worrying about her fees. Regular massage, manicure, pedicure. All that.

They don't see the thousands I give my sister every year to pay for vet bills and travel, and the other monetary gifts I send anonymously to people who are having a hard time. Last year a junior co-worker lost her husband to cancer a couple of months before Christmas; her little kids received a huge load of gifts from Santa, and she received cash for airline tickets for all three of them, to visit family, and she still has no idea it was me. Nor does anyone else. There are some other local people I similarly anonymously help, plus I enjoy giving more traditionally to various charities.

I don't need a Mercedes or a big flashy house to live and feel wealthy, but most people would be unaware of any of the above private spending. If someone tried to pry, they would get a tart response.

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I agree that houses and cars are the most obvious indicators that someone has money. If you still drive a 13-year-old car and live in a small house, then yes, it's much easier to remain mysterious about it. But most people who are wealthy do want a nice house and car.

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CamillaMcCauley · 10/12/2025 18:43

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:29

Upthread there are people all agreeing that they would keep their wealth completely secret. I'm saying you can't unless you never use it.

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I think they probably just mean they will keep the source of it a secret, not that they will stick it in the bank and never use any of it.

Or maybe they mean they’ll buy an overseas holiday house that they don’t talk about or buy stealth-wealth clothing instead of designer clothing with logos all over it.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 18:42

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:29

Upthread there are people all agreeing that they would keep their wealth completely secret. I'm saying you can't unless you never use it.

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That's just not true. I have worked hard all my life and accumulated what people would consider "wealth" in addition to a six-figure income, but no one would know it to look at me. My car is a 13-year-old Ford, my house is old and on the small side, and I generally am clad in jeans and a black T-shirt.

What they don't see are the high-quality upgrades to my home's infrastructure, the luxury travel that I've been doing for several years now, spending ten grand a pop on river cruises and long-haul trips at my whim. They don't see the daily luxuries in terms of things like expensive perfume, high-end meat and produce, vintage jewelry, art purchases, garden enhancements and other odds and ends that add pleasure to my life. They don't see the ease with which I paid for the best veterinary care & medication as my two old dogs were aging/dying. I am insured to the hilt against any and all emergencies, I visit private doctors for skincare and anti-aging treatments, and have an excellent hair stylist without worrying about her fees. Regular massage, manicure, pedicure. All that.

They don't see the thousands I give my sister every year to pay for vet bills and travel, and the other monetary gifts I send anonymously to people who are having a hard time. Last year a junior co-worker lost her husband to cancer a couple of months before Christmas; her little kids received a huge load of gifts from Santa, and she received cash for airline tickets for all three of them, to visit family, and she still has no idea it was me. Nor does anyone else. There are some other local people I similarly anonymously help, plus I enjoy giving more traditionally to various charities.

I don't need a Mercedes or a big flashy house to live and feel wealthy, but most people would be unaware of any of the above private spending. If someone tried to pry, they would get a tart response.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:42

Dallas1989 · 10/12/2025 17:51

You sound very similar to me

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For the two posters in the quote above, about remaining "absolutely mysterious" about where your money came from if you suddenly came into it: How would that work with your good friends? It's all very well in theory, but surely if you were really good friends with someone, and the friendship was longstanding, if you suddenly had a palace of a house or two and great cars and fab holidays, I think it would create weirdness not to say anything. Like you'd popped through a looking-glass into a different lifestyle and your good friends are just supposed to not mention it or notice.

That's hard for me to understand, because I'm somewhat open about these things with good friends, although not completely. While I don't tell details, I also don't draw a veil over what's so obvious. I haven't told anyone how much compensation we got for the asbestos exposure that killed my dad, only that there was some. And although my friends can see how much our childhood home sold for on Rightmove, I've given no details of how much he had in the bank. My friends know enough to make sense of my life, but not all the details. If I had some other grand inheritance that wasn't as obvious as my dad's, I would say that I could afford this amazing new house because I inherited from my great-aunt (say), but I wouldn't say how much, and I wouldn't answer if asked how much.

For me, there is a sensible balance to be struck. Appreciate everyone is different though.

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:30

Dallas1989 · 10/12/2025 17:38

Your sarcasm is the only light here

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"The only light here" 🤣 Bit dramatic!

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:29

Doteycat · 10/12/2025 18:13

There's a big difference between hiding it and not telling people. I just wouldn't tell them and if they asked id tell them mind their own business.
I dont see a problem with this.

Upthread there are people all agreeing that they would keep their wealth completely secret. I'm saying you can't unless you never use it.

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Doteycat · 10/12/2025 18:13

There's a big difference between hiding it and not telling people. I just wouldn't tell them and if they asked id tell them mind their own business.
I dont see a problem with this.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:10

All the people saying they would hide any great wealth they came into, how would you plan to do that? I'm so curious, as a few people have said it would remain totally secret. If you want to hide it, you would not be able to use or enjoy it. No nice car or big house. I suppose you could take extravagant holidays and lie about where you went, but I can't think of any other ways there are to enjoy your wealth without it being obvious.

I suppose if you're never going to spend any of it, you could hide it, but how many people would do that?

So, how would totally hiding it work?

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Dallas1989 · 10/12/2025 17:51

User34735278 · 10/12/2025 08:22

Same here. I wont be telling a soul where it came from. Having previously made the mistake of telling people about a modest inheritance I got, and having all kinds of comments and hints afterwards about lending people money and could I just help them start their business and blah blah, I have been on the other side of this where people seem to think they are entitled to your financial business/money and it never goes well. Jealousy turns people into nasty creatures and even if someone claims they are happy for you, inside they rarely are.

When I win the lottery, I will remain resolutely mysterious about it, I couldnt give two hoots if people guess, they still wont know for sure and thats how I want it.

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You sound very similar to me

Dallas1989 · 10/12/2025 17:38

CypressGrove · 10/12/2025 07:59

I plan on winning the lottery shortly and don't plan on telling people. I will move to a nicer house but not a mansion so hopefully people won't be too curious. Will have to wait and see I guess.

Your sarcasm is the only light here

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 17:27

BarbieShrimp · 10/12/2025 16:32

I have close friends whose circumstances have changed very suddenly, for better and worse. I also know people who have always been very noticeably better off than me. In either case I know almost nothing about the reasons behind it, and never thought to try to suss it out. In some cases it has crossed my mind to wonder, but I've never "felt weird" about not knowing.

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Good for you.

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BarbieShrimp · 10/12/2025 16:32

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:26

I'm sure you'd have no curiosity at all if your friend was suddenly rich, O virtuous one!

And I haven't asked her, so not nosey.

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I have close friends whose circumstances have changed very suddenly, for better and worse. I also know people who have always been very noticeably better off than me. In either case I know almost nothing about the reasons behind it, and never thought to try to suss it out. In some cases it has crossed my mind to wonder, but I've never "felt weird" about not knowing.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 16:26

Hello everyone, I'm really grateful for the people who took the time to answer me properly and give great advice. It's been really helpful.

I'm going to attempt to leave it now, as I have my answer. (Definitely BU.) And also not having infinite time to keep it going.

I will re-read the advice and give my head a wobble about my feelings.

For the people that wrote considered replies instead of insults, I am VERY grateful.

Mumsnet at its best! So many wise people on here, among all the plonkers.

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NotableI · 10/12/2025 16:25

Well I will freely admit to looking up my friends houses when they buy/ sell them on Rightmove to see what they’re going for 😂 so I get the nosey instinct OP!

I sadly do not have three mansions but my house is way beyond what my DH and I would be able to afford on our salaries and I am happy to be open with my friends about the fact that it’s because of inheritance.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 16:22

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 16:10

Quite possibly she has signed a prenup which means that her actual realisable interest in any of the houses is, on paper, negligible. Maybe the houses are owned by a business which belongs solely to her husband.

She might look rich but may not have all that much in her own name so she's not feeling rich in herself and there's nothing for her to explain that wouldn't cause her to possibly feel humiliated. (Forget divorce law here and what she might actually receive in the event of such.) You might feel she should be able to talk to you about this but then you're asking her to tell you stuff that she feels/has been told betrays her loyalty to her husband. I'm not going to say that some curiosity about the source of the wealth she appears to enjoy is weird, it's not, but your friend may be in the middle of more complicated circumstances than you realise which prevent her from a breezy admission that her DH made good on some stocks because that opens up a conversation she might not want to have just yet.

Edited

Excellent points, thank you.

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HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 16:10

Quite possibly she has signed a prenup which means that her actual realisable interest in any of the houses is, on paper, negligible. Maybe the houses are owned by a business which belongs solely to her husband.

She might look rich but may not have all that much in her own name so she's not feeling rich in herself and there's nothing for her to explain that wouldn't cause her to possibly feel humiliated. (Forget divorce law here and what she might actually receive in the event of such.) You might feel she should be able to talk to you about this but then you're asking her to tell you stuff that she feels/has been told betrays her loyalty to her husband. I'm not going to say that some curiosity about the source of the wealth she appears to enjoy is weird, it's not, but your friend may be in the middle of more complicated circumstances than you realise which prevent her from a breezy admission that her DH made good on some stocks because that opens up a conversation she might not want to have just yet.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 16:09

ChequerToRed · 10/12/2025 15:51

It’d be a casual conversation with my OH, probably involving various comedic ways they could have got rich such as one of them becoming a high end assassin, not something I’d start a MN thread over

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If I still had an OH, I probably would have done exactly that. But I live alone and WFH, so excuse me for wanting some interaction.

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ChequerToRed · 10/12/2025 15:51

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:26

I'm sure you'd have no curiosity at all if your friend was suddenly rich, O virtuous one!

And I haven't asked her, so not nosey.

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It’d be a casual conversation with my OH, probably involving various comedic ways they could have got rich such as one of them becoming a high end assassin, not something I’d start a MN thread over

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:33

hazelnutvanillalatte · 10/12/2025 08:29

How have you responded to her showing you the house? Sounds like you're just ignoring it? In which case the cue is coming from you that it's awkward and you don't want to talk about it. Usually when a friend shows you their house you compliment it and tell them it's amazing, and then she might talk more about it.

If you RTFT, you'll see that I did exactly this.

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:31

GreyBeeplus3 · 10/12/2025 11:44

I really thought about this one and pressed you are NOT being unreasonable because of being envious of her new circumstances; that's human nature
But you ARE being unreasonable in how you're querying how she's got what she has
It's none of your business?
You don't have to know everything about everybody..........
Also, lucky me; knowing you're not crippled by a mortgage!

But I haven't queried her.

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:29

meowmeows · 10/12/2025 11:08

THIS. What difference is it going to make once you know?

Fine, supposing she tells you - it’s not going to change anything, she’ll still be as rich as fck and whether it’s due to inheritance or lottery you are still going to notice the fact she’s far more rich than you as you keep noticing it when you see her house.

I am just not sure how knowing the reason is going to change anything unless you have a value judgement in your head about what’s “fair” and what isn’t. For example, maybe you feel if it came from a lottery win then that’s not fair and she should give you some of it etc

Simply knowing the reason why is unlikely to change anything at all and if you view her wealth as the elephant in the room that’s on you not her.

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Omg, give me some of it? Are you for real? I would never ask and would rather walk over hot coals than accept any of it if offered. I don't have a mortgage myself, so am not exactly in need of hand-outs!

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Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 15:26

ChequerToRed · 10/12/2025 13:53

Wow, you’re so nosey!
They could have had a large inheritance windfall, won the lottery, one of them bought Bitcoin twenty five years ago and sat on it, found a large Imperial Quianglong vase at the car boot, who knows?
What we do know is that your friend is under no obligation to tell you, and anyone sensible would keep sudden wealth well under wraps anyway. Just enjoy visiting their mansion, maybe one day she’ll let on, maybe not. Doesn’t matter.

I'm sure you'd have no curiosity at all if your friend was suddenly rich, O virtuous one!

And I haven't asked her, so not nosey.

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