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AIBU?

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Original poster

to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

332 replies

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:04

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
FlockofSquirrels · 09/12/2025 19:59

So your friend grew up poor and doesn't earn. Her husband came into money (likely through a family death) and they bought a new house. She invited you over and...

You said nothing about the house? Obviously you weren't supposed to say "oy, where'd your jobless arse get the cash to buy this palace and can I have some?" But normal friend behavior would be to comment warmly on how fabulous the house was and how pleased you are things are going so well. Ask a few non-invasive questions about the new place, which would let her know you were happy for her and it wasn't an uncomfortable topic for you.

If you didn't do that then she likely felt like you were deliberately not acknowledging it and so she shouldn't ever make it a topic of conversation or she'd seem like she was rubbing things in/bragging. If she grew up poor and isn't the source of the money then she is likely even more anxious about coming off like that. You keep saying you're not supposed to mention it but that seems like something you've invented and then put on her as her rule; that assessment would make sense if you've raised the subject (politely) and gotten poor reactions, but that hasn't happened. You've chosen not to say anything at all and make it all weird.

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/12/2025 19:55

InterIgnis · 09/12/2025 19:28

She’s probably trying to navigate potentially perilous waters as best she can.

Just taking mumsnet for example - there’s been many a thread where a friend making even the vaguest of reference to their personal finances has been accused of boasting and rubbing it in (and is thus called all types of terrible person).

She may be trying to be sensitive, and will only discuss it if you bring the subject up. She may be not discussing the details so as to avoid any opprobrium. Someone having good financial fortune can really bring out the worst in those around them. It can be very tricky, especially in the UK.

Completely agree! OP just needs to satisfy herself that the money came from inheritance, lottery win or stocks. I honestly can't think of anything worse than owning 3 mansions with the endless cycle of maintenance, repairs, cleaning, staff and tenants to manage etc. Horrendous.

Solaire18381 · 09/12/2025 19:55

Most likely through inheritance - I have a house that I could never have afforded and that was through inheritance. All I would say about that is be careful what you wish for, of course I'd rather that person be alive than have my house, given the choice!

Or, yes they could have won the lottery! I know a lottery winner who has a house that they could never have afforded otherwise, given the job they did before they won. Went from an area regarded as rough to a lovely semi-rural suburb of similar homes.

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 19:52

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:50

Normally friends say something so I agree it’s odd!

Really? so if you bought a nice car one day you'd go around explaining how you managed to afford it to everyone you know? or next time you move house you'd be explaining your mortgage to everyone and showing them how much you've saved?

I wouldnt. I dont think this is "normal" at all

PandorasBox7 · 09/12/2025 19:52

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

Haha, that's funny! You must look very expensive, lol!

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It’s because we own a few houses. They are not mansions btw 😉

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:50

And that’s exactly how they get away with it! Always the innocent looking types…

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Do you have experience of this?
he would be around some grear drugs making equipment to be fair!

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:50

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

🤣🤣 I don't think that's their style - but you never know!

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And that’s exactly how they get away with it! Always the innocent looking types…

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:50

Normally friends say something so I agree it’s odd!

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 19:49

BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:18

But you can see the house. It's clearly an upgrade. Why not just be happy for them?

Why do you need to know the exact way they came about the means to pay for it? Do you suspect them of being big international drug traffickers?

I mean if you're that desperate to know just come out with 'wow, how did you manage to afford it?' And see what her reply is? Many folks would find that line of questioning crass and embarrassing.

I agree. Also you are being very disingenuous expecting her to mention this upgrade.

WTF is she meant to say?- "I'd love you to come over to my house for dinner on Saturday and btw, our new house is palatial and ginormous and far bigger than yours, just thought you'd want the heads up that I am officially rich now!- woo hoo, loadsamoney!!!!"

She isnt mentioning it because, and I can guarantee this, if she had and you'd posted it here everyone would have accused her of bragging and being up herself and some rich bitch who is out of touch.

I get why you might wonder where her money has come from but frankly, to be this obsessed with it is weird as hell and I would wonder why this is nagging at you so much that you have to know. She has likely inherited it which isnt any of your business to know.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

PandorasBox7 · 09/12/2025 19:47

I would just ask her and if she doesn’t want you to know she will tell you so. People are funny about money I am not rich but for some reason a friend of my husbands thought we were and asked to borrow half a million from us. My husband had to tell him we didn’t have that kind of money and I think he thought we were liars. 😂

Haha, that's funny! You must look very expensive, lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:35

No one’s suggested they’re dealing drugs on the side?

🤣🤣 I don't think that's their style - but you never know!

OP posts:
PandorasBox7 · 09/12/2025 19:47

I would just ask her and if she doesn’t want you to know she will tell you so. People are funny about money I am not rich but for some reason a friend of my husbands thought we were and asked to borrow half a million from us. My husband had to tell him we didn’t have that kind of money and I think he thought we were liars. 😂

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:47

Twattergy · 09/12/2025 19:41

You think it's too rude to ask her. She may well think it's rude (boastful) to talk about it. I do find it very strange that between 2 friends there cant even be a respectful conversation about it...but I think it's weird for you to be angry with her. She's not forcing you not to mention it. You are choosing not to. Plenty of us have said we would ask the friend politely.

Yes, I totally agree.

I decided it was best to just follow her lead, and I'll keep doing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:46

I appreciate the responses. I'll definitely go back to not thinking about it or mentioning it, and people are right that it's not my business. Which I knew, but it's good to have it reiterated. It was just on my mind bc I saw the latest house today. See the previous page for a photo I posted of similar.

I'll just accept that she came into a lot of money somehow and doesn't want to talk about it. 👍

OP posts:
CakeByTheOcean1 · 09/12/2025 19:46

I don’t know if it’s of interest to you I used to know someone like his and they slowly built their property portfolio once you have paid off one property you get a mortgage for another, once you rent that first one out you can get another and so on

Hedgehogbrown · 09/12/2025 19:43

Some Brits are so strange when it comes to talking about money. I think it's the ones who have it, or think they should have it. Poor people ask. If it was my close friend I would ask how can you afford this? When my friend was going through a divorce I asked her how she was affording her flat. When we got a small but of inheritance in my family I told her. Normal to me. You've left it too long now, and it's a bit late to ask.

Twattergy · 09/12/2025 19:41

You think it's too rude to ask her. She may well think it's rude (boastful) to talk about it. I do find it very strange that between 2 friends there cant even be a respectful conversation about it...but I think it's weird for you to be angry with her. She's not forcing you not to mention it. You are choosing not to. Plenty of us have said we would ask the friend politely.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:41

JifNtGif · 09/12/2025 19:28

O beware, OP, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on

Blimey, that's a bit Gothic and dramatic! 😱 Freaked out now.🤣

Also, I haven't mocked her and would never.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:35

No one’s suggested they’re dealing drugs on the side?

JifNtGif · 09/12/2025 19:28

O beware, OP, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on

Pallisers · 09/12/2025 19:28

Why would she talk to you about where she got her money? That seems weird to me that you would expect her to.

They are either earning a lot more or made some good investments or inherited money. None of that is any of your business.

Is it that you can't square her being in a crappy rental to start out and then doing better. That is the normal course of life isn't it?

InterIgnis · 09/12/2025 19:28

She’s probably trying to navigate potentially perilous waters as best she can.

Just taking mumsnet for example - there’s been many a thread where a friend making even the vaguest of reference to their personal finances has been accused of boasting and rubbing it in (and is thus called all types of terrible person).

She may be trying to be sensitive, and will only discuss it if you bring the subject up. She may be not discussing the details so as to avoid any opprobrium. Someone having good financial fortune can really bring out the worst in those around them. It can be very tricky, especially in the UK.

TheTaupeScroller · 09/12/2025 19:26

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:08

Agree with all this.

The irony is, I'm happy for her because she grew up poor - she once said that a date took her home, saw where she lived, and never contacted her again.

I'm just irritated with the way she doesn't hide her sudden wealth in these magnificent houses and yet I am not supposed to mention it. I'm being asked not to see it, it seems. Multiple times!

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what do you want the woman to do? Declare: oh, I am rich!

Now that would be rude and completely inappropriate, of course she can't brag about money 😂. She's not keeping anything secret, they're buying whatever house they can afford and not hiding it.

You're very weird. People can't win can they? Either they brag, or they are too "secretive" when they're not.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:24

dairydebris · 09/12/2025 19:14

Theres absolutely zero chance that I wouldn't, after 2 glasses of wine, say, 'friend, I'm sorry if this is too intrusive, and of course I've no right to know and if you say so I will never ever mention this again, but how can you afford all these amazing houses?'

It boggles my mind that you haven't said anything!

🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
TheIceBear · 09/12/2025 19:23

Your post sort of screams jealousy like at the end of the day I’m completely not privy to any of my friends finances and it’s not my concern tbh. Anyway it doesn’t sound entirely surprising that they have a nice house given that he is a gp and she has studied at Oxford. Like maybe they got an inheritance or something who knows ? Either way it’s irrelevant to your life and in my view it is totally irrelevant what sort of house someone lives in, it’s more important to me that they are a good friend and someone I get along with.

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