to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 2025-12-09T18:04:33+00:00

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much. Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago. Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said. Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out. Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad. She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever. I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it! AIBU?

Muffsies · 11/12/2025 06:41

Massive inheritance from rich a grandparent (either hers or her DH's)? People never like to talk about inheritances, especially very big ones.

It's likely she knew it was coming to her, people who do long postgrad PhDs at Oxford usually have private wealth to support them.

FancyNewt · 11/12/2025 03:57

It's natural to wonder. You're right not to ask.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 11/12/2025 03:38

It's about 85% that I'm BU. This thread has been great to make me see some sense. I will stop wondering about it. After all, as pp have said, it REALLY doesn't matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 11/12/2025 03:36

Rewis · 10/12/2025 20:58

Im with op. Is it anyone's business? Of course not. Is it natural to wonder? It is, no matter what MN says.

I have a friend like this. There are 5 of us ina group and for years I kept my mouth shut and then finally asked a different friend that if it was weird that they had so much things. She was so happy that someone else was wondering it aswell.

Basically they bought a new built in the expensive area at the age of 24. They like expensive furniture (like £400 dining room chairs) Now they bought a piece of land in the same area (£160k) and started building their new house. Architect is working on it (no basic packages) They also bought a seaside cabin. And an investment property flat. They go skiing with the kids in Japan and Alps. The audi they have also seems nice. They also have subsidised childcare cause of their low income. The husbands parents were our teachers in school. The friends mom works in a nursery and dad has one man business. There might be inheritance or something but both have several siblings so dividing it between all
Is their finances any of my business? No. Can I just ignore it and not wonder? No. Will I ever ask? Also no.

Exactly to all this. And thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 11/12/2025 03:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

First choice, for sure. I was never going to ask her. Just wanted to know if my feelings were unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 11/12/2025 03:34

OLDERME · 10/12/2025 22:22

Let's hope that your friend doesn't do Mumsnet. The amount of information you have given about her circumstances, as well as your own, would make it very easy to identify each other.

I've changed some key details. But the core story is the same.

OP posts:

Ohnonotthisagain2025 · 11/12/2025 01:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dallas1989 · 11/12/2025 01:38

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:30

"The only light here" 🤣 Bit dramatic!

Show quote history

That reply wasn't meant for you it was for someone else, I am new to this forum and by the time i went to amend the reply I had to see to my baby

Bigcat25 · 10/12/2025 22:27

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2025 18:14

This is why as a British person I hate living here and have much preferred living abroad, where in New York people are far less interested in how you've become wealthy, and far more interested in celebrating you or just hanging out. Same in Hong Kong when i lived there, (yes outing).

In Britain, everyone who gets wealthy is viewed with suspicion as if they ripped someone off. In Britain people will wait to commiserate with you in the hope you fail to make them feel good. I can't stand it.

YABU @NewNameforThisPost2025

That's rather unfair, imo. Nothing indicates that she resents them, just that's she's puzzled. I would probably feel the need to explain if I was her close friends shoes, but obviously not everyone will feel that way.

OLDERME · 10/12/2025 22:22

Let's hope that your friend doesn't do Mumsnet. The amount of information you have given about her circumstances, as well as your own, would make it very easy to identify each other.

DriedHydrangea · 10/12/2025 21:53

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 21:30

Yes, I appreciate there is another side. I’m not stupid. But I would bet that the majority of wealthy people do have an impressive house.

Show quote history

That depends on what you mean by ‘impressive’, surely? It’s pretty subjective. A six-bed in a gated community? A Kensington townhouse? A tiny, beautiful, inconvenient Queen Anne house? Chatsworth? A giant footballer mansion decorated by an interior designer whose brief was ‘bling and more bling’? A fairly modest farmhouse with a stud attached?

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 21:30

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 20:55

No. You are seeing one side of being wealthy and finding it hard to understand there is another side to being wealthy that you cannot see. There will be people every bit as wealthy as your and your parents' friends who would not choose to buy a large and luxurious house because that is not the type of property they would want to live in. What you cannot see forms as much of the "wealth" picture as what you can see.

Show quote history

Yes, I appreciate there is another side. I’m not stupid. But I would bet that the majority of wealthy people do have an impressive house.

OP posts:

Rewis · 10/12/2025 20:58

Im with op. Is it anyone's business? Of course not. Is it natural to wonder? It is, no matter what MN says.

I have a friend like this. There are 5 of us ina group and for years I kept my mouth shut and then finally asked a different friend that if it was weird that they had so much things. She was so happy that someone else was wondering it aswell.

Basically they bought a new built in the expensive area at the age of 24. They like expensive furniture (like £400 dining room chairs) Now they bought a piece of land in the same area (£160k) and started building their new house. Architect is working on it (no basic packages) They also bought a seaside cabin. And an investment property flat. They go skiing with the kids in Japan and Alps. The audi they have also seems nice. They also have subsidised childcare cause of their low income. The husbands parents were our teachers in school. The friends mom works in a nursery and dad has one man business. There might be inheritance or something but both have several siblings so dividing it between all
Is their finances any of my business? No. Can I just ignore it and not wonder? No. Will I ever ask? Also no.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 20:55

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 20:34

I know a handful of very wealthy people, some my own age and some my parents' friends, and while they don't brag or go round dripping in diamonds and designer gear, they all have huge and beautiful houses. So perhaps that's why I think most with money do treat themselves to somewhere pretty on the grand side to live. Three have a very impressive car collection.

No. You are seeing one side of being wealthy and finding it hard to understand there is another side to being wealthy that you cannot see. There will be people every bit as wealthy as your and your parents' friends who would not choose to buy a large and luxurious house because that is not the type of property they would want to live in. What you cannot see forms as much of the "wealth" picture as what you can see.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 20:34

I know a handful of very wealthy people, some my own age and some my parents' friends, and while they don't brag or go round dripping in diamonds and designer gear, they all have huge and beautiful houses. So perhaps that's why I think most with money do treat themselves to somewhere pretty on the grand side to live. Three have a very impressive car collection.

OP posts:

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 20:19

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:12

You said your house was small and old and that your car is thirteen years old. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with either of them, but that's not what most people think of when they refer to a nice house and car.

Show quote history

Well, not everyone has the mentality that bigger is better. The nature of my work takes me into contact with many wealthy business owners and philanthropists, even a couple of billionaires. You would be surprised at how modestly some of them live.

My home is small and old but it's very solidly built, well-maintained, well-appointed, fresh decor and filled with antiques and art. I have a beautiful loft conversion that serves as my office and studio, a large garden shed, lovely greenhouse. Easy and environmentally friendly to heat. Nice, very low-crime, convenient location. What more is there to want? Some clapped-together six-bed new build with 1/100th the character, history and charm?

My car is older but it was purchased new (for cash) with all the bells & whistles, full leather interior, sporty little engine, and is nearly as clean as when new, routinely maintained, brand-new tyres, no dings or nicks. It's fun to drive, gets good fuel mileage and is less expensive to insure than a luxury or performance vehicle would be. Why should I do something as eco-unfriendly as purchase a new car when this one is enjoyable and serviceable?

The point is, it's silly to judge a book by its cover. One never knows.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 19:44

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:16

Obviously I can't see what's hidden, but I do think that it's quite unusual for people with a lot of money to both remain in a small house and drive inexpensive cars.

Edited

Show quote history

It’s really not unusual at all.

ClearFruit · 10/12/2025 19:41

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/12/2025 18:13

Could you just ask her something along the lines of "Where did you get all your money from?" or just ask how much money she has?

Imagine being this rude....

User34735278 · 10/12/2025 19:29

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 19:06

You cannot say that with any degree of certainty. You will see people with money who have flash houses and cars but you will not see the people who have just as much money but have modest houses and drive old cars but choose to spend their wealth in ways that are wholly invisible to you.

Show quote history

Exactly- research shows this. "A 2022 study by Experian Automotive discovered that many wealthy individuals don't actually drive fancy cars. For those with a household income above $250,000, 61% choose to drive non-luxury brands like Toyotas, Fords, and Hondas."

It would be super easy for me to be "mysterious" about my wealth as I dont want to live in some enormous castle type mansion. Thats too much upkeep and maintenance for my liking. I'd live in a large, lovely house that wasnt excessive so it would be super easy for me to hide my wealth. This idea that everyone wants to live a super flashy lifestyle as soon as they get a sniff of money is simply not true.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:21

CamillaMcCauley · 10/12/2025 19:01

This is true. I work for a multi-billionaire and both his and his wife’s cars are ones that any moderately comfortable middle-class family could afford.

Show quote history

I can imagine this. Cars are a dreadful investment. It makes sense to only spend what you have to on them to be safe. I'm not into cars though.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:16

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 19:06

You cannot say that with any degree of certainty. You will see people with money who have flash houses and cars but you will not see the people who have just as much money but have modest houses and drive old cars but choose to spend their wealth in ways that are wholly invisible to you.

Show quote history

Obviously I can't see what's hidden, but I do think that it's quite unusual for people with a lot of money to both remain in a small house and drive inexpensive cars.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:15

slughater · 10/12/2025 19:12

OP I've just read all your responses and you have mentioned a few times that your friend's DH is controlling around her eating/weight and this suggestion of a 'prenup' is also concerning. I wonder if your friend is able to spend money freely and independently. This would explain why she is (I would say) avoiding a huuuuuge elephant in the room.
Remember that abusers can be wealthy, educated, charming professionals that everybody likes. Also they hide what they are doing from outsiders

Just a thought.

Show quote history

Indeed. He's been a real arse in the past about her always-slender figure. He does the cooking as she's not very domestic, and she said to him that she felt underfed! This was a few years ago, before they had kids. And she did say once that "DH says we can afford a part-time nanny" not "WE can afford it." She never seems to have any money to spend either, but whether that's because she doesn't want to or can't, I don't know.

OP posts:

slughater · 10/12/2025 19:12

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 16:22

Excellent points, thank you.

Show quote history

OP I've just read all your responses and you have mentioned a few times that your friend's DH is controlling around her eating/weight and this suggestion of a 'prenup' is also concerning. I wonder if your friend is able to spend money freely and independently. This would explain why she is (I would say) avoiding a huuuuuge elephant in the room.
Remember that abusers can be wealthy, educated, charming professionals that everybody likes. Also they hide what they are doing from outsiders

Just a thought.

Original poster

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 19:12

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 18:57

i HAVE a nice house and car. That's the point. Most wealthy people I know drive modest vehicles. My director at work earns half a million a year, plus his wife earns a lot, and they drive very low-end small cars.

Show quote history

You said your house was small and old and that your car is thirteen years old. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with either of them, but that's not what most people think of when they refer to a nice house and car.

OP posts:

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/12/2025 19:06

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 10/12/2025 18:46

I agree that houses and cars are the most obvious indicators that someone has money. If you still drive a 13-year-old car and live in a small house, then yes, it's much easier to remain mysterious about it. But most people who are wealthy do want a nice house and car.

Show quote history

You cannot say that with any degree of certainty. You will see people with money who have flash houses and cars but you will not see the people who have just as much money but have modest houses and drive old cars but choose to spend their wealth in ways that are wholly invisible to you.