To expect financial support from my husband

All very tit for tat as if you’re room mates.

does he pay 50% of childcare?

Every day I am on here thinking surely no one can top this batshit crap, yet here we are. Wtaf is he doing having another child and not contributing every bloody penny necessary to help care for you and his children?! That to me is just wild. We have one pot and everything comes out of it and we make joint financial decisions. End of. I am so sorry that you are being inflicted with this absolute nonsense. I haven’t read the whole thread but I gather that it’s time to walk if you could time. I’d have felt tempted to tell him since he’s being so transactional about it, that’s £20k for carrying and birthing your child and the rest! And it’s a bargain at that!

I couldn’t do a big enough face palm emoji if I tried 🤦🏻‍♀️

@PoisedUmberCrab so either give it all back to his Dad or split it 50/50 - just because it was his father doesn’t mean it wasn’t given to both of you - he has no more right to it than you do

By divorcing him you are absolutely NOT ruining your children's lives. Things may be tough financially for a while, holidays etc. may get complicated, but that's so much better than your children growing up thinking it's normal or acceptable to be in a financially abusive relationship, or to financially abuse their "partner".

Ha ha ha ha! Does he really think he can dictate this to the Family Court ?

He’s even more of a dick than your 1st post suggests.

Your husband’s a dick.

Do NOT give him the deposit. Rinse the odious dick for all he’s worth.

I am probably old school but I have been married for 25 years and from day one both our salaries are paid into a joint account. We don’t have separate accounts apart from ISA’s. I think your husband is being a dick. Can’t believe you are having to borrow from your family. He should be providing for the family.

Work out what childcare would have been and make him pay half. Awful behaviour.

Hubby totally unreasonable to expect this.
You both agreed to having a baby and starting a family so why has he not considered this situation it's not fair on you x

Please consider contacting Womens Aid because he is abusive in the way that he controls the money & if he's controlling the money he is sure to be abusive in other ways too.

All of us need a little help to navigate the waters ahead.

Good news is half your debts (not sure about the student loans but maybe, and make sure your family lending you money is documented as a real debt) are shared as well :)

Are you genuinely wondering if this is right? What is the matter with you? You are being financially abused. You are raising his child. Woman up! Why are you allowing yourself to be trampled on? Leave him and take half his money to pay off your debts.

If his accountant is good, you paying a forensic accountant would be a good idea.
There is every likelihood he will hide money.
Get every penny you can.
He is not to be trusted.

Did he do 50% of the pregnancy and birth? No, didn’t think so.

He can want that all he likes - he legally doesn’t have that right. It’s either 50/50 or if you had more need of the house as you were doing the majority of the childcare etc or had otherwise lower earnings you might even be able to argue for more. It’s the marital home so it’s marital property even he bought it 100 percent himself (unless you’d had a super short marriage with no children).

I’ve read all your updates and I hope you get a really good settlement. I’d make it very clear what’s happened on each mat leave! x

This is honestly baffling to me. I just came off mat leave and my husband paid the mortgage for the entire time and covered most other big expenses. It is genuinely outrageous for him to expect you to cough up the same each month given the discrepancy between your earnings and also you were doing the heavy lifting in raising yours and his child?! You deserve somebody who steps up when it’s needed you’re meant to be a team.

This.

I really find separate money bizarre when you have a family together.

Having to go to family above your husband for financial support. This seems really cold hearted of him.

Think of it as getting what you need - not for you, but for your children. He has shown that he has no intention of providing for them while you're married, so that will doubtless continue after the divorce.

When I had my first we didn't spend as much throughout the pregnancy as we normally did so we built up joint savings in that account. Whilst I was being paid during the maternity leave I reduced what I put in proportionally so if my take home pay was 70% I paid in 70% of what I would usually put in. My partner increased the amount he paid in a little but we weren't now paying for my commuting costs and other outgoings had changed a little as well as the joint account having more of a buffer in it than usual it wasn't necessary for him to fully make up the difference. In the last 3 months when I wasn't being paid I didn't pay anything into the joint account, he continued to pay in a the slightly raised amount and kept an eye on the account. Had we needed he would have topped it up but as was this was unnecessary.

I went back to work on 80%FTE with bonus I earned the same as him and without I earned slightly less. I paid 45% of the costs and he paid 55% which reflected our difference in earnings, if I got a good bonus I recalculated the difference and paid a one of top up.

I'm on my second mat leave at the moment and was made redundant in Feb. I've not touched my redundancy for house costs, my partner has taken on all of the household finances. My maternity allowance is paid into the joint account and we have set up a direct debit from the joint account paying into my private pension.

Our contribution for our first house was unequal, the deposit was 4:1 in his favour although all buying costs and mortgage payments came out of the joint accounts with whatever split we decided was fair at that point of income. We didn't have our civil partnership when we bought this house so we had a deed of trust in place stipulating how we both agreed to split the house reflecting my partners higher deposit. We redid this when we moved to the next house after having child 1. The following year we had our civil partnership and haven't redone it as our situation is not the same as when we bought the first house and it's no longer appropriate to use that split for dividing assets and we will work out what is fair should it be necessary to split.

Maternity leave hasn't been the only time we have and a mismatch if salaries. I worked before going back to uni and then I was still studying whilst he had gone back into work. We adjusted finances and lifestyle according to the person with the lower income and discussed together what was a fair contribution. We got a joint account as soon as we were living together and quite quickly decided that we were going to use it for nearly everything. We would see friends who lived with their boyfriend/girlfriend buying one another drinks to make or splitting meal bills according to what each of the couple had eaten and we just couldn't be bothered it was easier to just pay out of the joint account and enjoy the evening.

It is easy to be a supportive boyfriend/husband when the going is good. You really see their true side when the chips are down and you need them. When a person shows you who they are listen. Stand strong.

Don't fall into the trap of accepting a settlement that allows you to just about manage now. You need to think longer term and think about the longer term costs of two children and their needs as they grow.

Why did you go back a second time knowing what a tight arse he is?

Sop feeling uneasy about the deposit he placed on the house. It doesn’t sound like he has contributed equally in other areas. Speak to a lawyer and get as much as you can. You owe this to your dc.