To expect financial support from my husband

We have had a similar set up since we moved in together at 21. Over time more and more of our life has come out of our joint account. Nowadays our personal accounts are usually for special clothes for ourselves, presents for one anothers families and we are responsible for managing our own savings. We only query payments on the joint if it's to check it's a payment one of the two of us had made and it's "is this you?" Not "why have you been buying?" We pay proportionally into the joint account most of the time, so we have the same savings opportunities - our earnings are similar ball park most of the time. At the moment I only have maternity allowance so that's all going into the joint account. I'm using the joint account for all of my spending and paying into my pension. If I was worried about justifying expenses I would have had it paid into my own account and kept some for life costs and pay the rest into joint account.

We have been together for nearly 20 years since we were teenagers and all of functioning adult lives have been living together and we have very similar views on spending which makes it work.

People who won’t take the risk of sharing a joint account but have no issue sharing a child or two. Will never understand it.

to everyone asking why OP had a second child in these circumstances, I strongly suspect it’s because she was determined to ‘complete’ her family, wanted the same dad etc. She won’t have expected things to be any different second time round, but made the calculation that it was worth it to have her two kids.

Doesn’t change the fact that her husband is a prick and she is right to leave him.

Please do it while they’re young. It will be easier on them they’ll get used to it and you’ll get your life back sooner.

I waited and am 12 years in to a marriage that will end in divorce (his choice 🙄) but I don’t want to put the DC through it so will put up with a meh relationship for their sake.

I saw the first post and wanted to just write "divorce". No getting through to someone like that. Glad to see you've taken the step, good luck from a fellow divorcee.

OP, look at Coercive control carefully.
It is a crime now.
The police are far more willing to investigate and go forward to presecute.
Educate yourself about it and see if it applies.
He has definitely been financially abusing you.
If you were to report him, you might be entitled to legal aid, so look carefully.

Huh? Wtf? So you blame a victim of financial abuse for not pre empting her husband's abuse or making provisions for it?

My god, get back to doing your hoovering will you!

So you are bearing HIS kids and caring for HIS kids and he thinks you should also be paying 50% of bills while not working. What is HIS contribution to the family right now? YOU are taking a huge financial hit + physical hit + you got a loan???

Normally Im in the ‘work on your marriage’ camp rather than itb but on this occasion ltb. For me that’s abuse. He sounds like a right knob.

Due to my parents failing health and me being their sole carer, he sat me down and said you can stop working if it will help with your parents and went through all our finances showing how we’ll manage.

I’m old enough to take slightly early retirement (full retirement is only a few years off) so I chose to do this. He hadn’t factored me earning anything into our finances so refused to let me contribute to the household in anyway and insisted he still give me money on top each month to do with as I please. He pays my phone, car etc from our joint account. He wants me to be free to care for my parents

He washes their cars, mows their lawns and trims their bushes, changes their beds plus all decorating and diy so helps with my parents at the weekends

as far as he’s concerned, I am working full time. At home he Hoovers, does all the washing/ironing, sometimes cooks (I prefer to do this), changes the beds plus all the outside jobs etc. He pulls his weight. I’m betting your dh does none of that

you deserve so much more

I was in the same position. I'm still recovering financially 8 years later.

Well it's not at all, because the maternity leave is a direct result of the baby that YOU BOTH created. Also, presumably he had enough money to keep him going over his period of unemployment? He wasn't having to scrounge from family? If he did have to, then tbqh it would have been out of order for you not to cover him. But it sounds like that wasn't the case.

Financially abusive twat. he's not in this with you. The sooner you divorce him the better I suspect.

Why would you have a baby with a man like this?

I think people nowadays value keeping a semblance of financial independence.
We have a joint account which we both pay into. We pay in different amounts each, so we both have the same amount "left over". This leftover money is ours.
As someone who has been financially independent since the age of 18, the thought of spending money (on clothes, coffees, etc) from a joint pot and bit having my own money makes me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.

Except the reason she was on maternity and in that position is because she had had their joint child. He does have responsibilities in that situation

I wonder why - what changed. Keeping finances separate doesn’t make sense for most couples, especially if there is a disparity in earnings and/or childcare responsibilities.

Well that’s just tough shit isn’t it. You’re married. You can have 50% of the family home and his rental properties. And maybe some of his pension. I’d take him for every penny.

I don’t have any practical advice but I just wanted to wish you luck and say I think you have done the right thing in your divorce application. He sounds selfish and greedy and I hope that you and your little ones get a happy future without him, you deserve so much better.

You should never be doing exactly 50/50. It should always be proportional to your earnings, e.g if he earns 25% more than you, then he should pay 5/9ths of the bills. On maternity leave, the % should drop so he is paying more. Did he think children were free? He has to cover the expenses of them fairly,

(And I paid 100% of the bills as my DH was a stay at home dad with zero income. So I am talking from the perspective of the higher earner/breadwinner here)

Couples rarely do these days

He doesn't love you or care about you, that's all this has shown and now time to move on. Get what your entitled to and listen to your lawyer and not his vitriole.
Make sure you got good strong support around you in real life. He sounds awful.

My husband was like this, it was all on my shoulders as I was the bread winner and it was expected to continue, he never paid a penny towards nursery fees and he just watched as I just struggled on. I left him, met a new amazing supportive partner and my ex is now lonely and skint without me. Give him an ultimatum to change or show him the consequences OP.

What an absolute cunt op. he is more bothered about money than his wife and children fucking arsehole I hope you get everything you are entitled to and if necessary if you did have to pay him maintenance reduce your days in work he should be paying you to keep a roof over his kids head and food on the table it’s probably best you are getting out now who cares if his mates don’t pay more the point being is he’s earning more than you at this time and should pay up for his family.

Take everything you are entitled too and more if you can - you have a long road ahead of you with this tight bastard who wil no doubt use his company and paying himself dividends to scree you maintenance wise!

I find it weird that you have kids and are married and don’t have a joint account and share all expenses and wages