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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect financial support from my husband

431 replies

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:40

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 19:09

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:48

He also has two flats with tenants but as he got these before we got together, he thinks they are untouchable.

to be honest, I would like 50% of the equity of the family home we own jointly (not including his deposit amount) so I can put down a deposit on a flat for myself and the kids. I wouldn’t want to be greedy / difficult in case he uses the kids against me (my biggest fear).

Edited
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That's incorrect which presumably you know especially if your marriage is signicant 8/10 years.

Go after this guy for everything you can not just what ypu need because he has shown you he will try and screw you over at every turn...

Donttellempike · 09/12/2025 19:08

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:40

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Children are a joint expense and the costs should be shared equally. Your husband is wrong. And his priorities are dreadful

Cakeandcardio · 09/12/2025 19:08

MotherofPufflings · 09/12/2025 17:51

I wonder what he'd expect to happen if he lost his job, was unable to work etc.

This. Have you asked him this OP? Does he have other family who would pay his share of the bills - 50%? As you wouldn't be earning any more.

Chattytwin · 09/12/2025 19:07

Why were you contributing 50% while saving him the cost of childcare?

x12 · 09/12/2025 19:07

Could DH afford to pay more? I think it’s a bit odd you had another if circumstances were the same with dc1 or didn’t have a discussion about saving up.

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 19:07

XmasFoodChoices · 09/12/2025 19:05

What did your family say when you took money from them because your own husband wouldn’t pay.?

Quite. He stood back and let his in-laws support his wife who was in turn looking after his children?? OP do you see now how truly despicable this man is?

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 09/12/2025 19:07

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:48

He also has two flats with tenants but as he got these before we got together, he thinks they are untouchable.

to be honest, I would like 50% of the equity of the family home we own jointly (not including his deposit amount) so I can put down a deposit on a flat for myself and the kids. I wouldn’t want to be greedy / difficult in case he uses the kids against me (my biggest fear).

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No. You go for as much as you can knowing he is stingy and will treat your kids the same and use money over them to be controlling, trust me. Do it for them!! Take back the power here and think of your kids please.

XmasFoodChoices · 09/12/2025 19:05

What did your family say when you took money from them because your own husband wouldn’t pay.?

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 09/12/2025 19:04

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:52

Thanks all. Apparently everyone he knows doesn’t contribute extra towards their wives/partner’s portion of the bills.

we earn similar amounts however he has a company whereby he takes dividends rather than a regular wage.

divorce is on the horizon for a host of similar reasons (I expect you get a gist of how he is / what a muppet I have been to date). Online form complete, it’s just growing a pair and finally clicking the “submit to court” button, without effectively ruining my young children’s lives.

Well you were stupid to have a second kids when you already knew what he is like that’s on you

as he is self employed and takes dividends wouldn’t count on child support at all
so if your going to divorce him I would take that your going to get very little from him in both financial and physical support

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 19:04

Words fail me. I honestly cannot comprehend the simultaneous stupidity and selfishness of his position.

It's a pity you didn't tell him that you were going back to work straight after DD2 was born and that it was his turn to survive on shared paternity leave. But I assume he is also a useless parent in many other respects.

XmasFoodChoices · 09/12/2025 19:04

Do not be a mug OP. You do not have to play dirty, but please get what is yours by law. You’ll need it for yourself and the kids.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 09/12/2025 19:04

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

WTF!!!!!! My husband paid 100% of everything when I did my mat leave then I left my job as my eldest was born with some additional needs. So tell your husband he’s lying. I don’t know anyone whose husband actually made then contribute as typical on mat leave as that benefits all of you! Otherwise he’d have been paying for care. What a low life scum he is.

PinkDaffodil2 · 09/12/2025 19:02

Please get advice from a specialist lawyer / forensic accountant before you let him know you’re leaving - and don’t underestimate how a fair settlement would put the kids in a better position (presumably it will be you doing most of the work, potentially helping when they are at uni etc). Also you don’t want to be dependent on family in the future because you didn’t get what you were entitled to from him.
Take advice asap about what evidence you should be gathering to strengthen your case. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is already taking advice about how to protect ‘his’ assets.

XmasFoodChoices · 09/12/2025 19:01

Thank goodness you are leaving. I cannot imagine being married to a man who behaved like this. It blows my mind. How can he justify it??

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 18:59

So does he het extra money from his tenanted properties. You need a good accountant/solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to. Do not settle for small amounts, he has financially abused you and I am sure will pay as little CMS as he can, so you need to be properly financially secure when you divorce.

How long have you been married/lived together?

Loveduppenguin · 09/12/2025 18:59

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:56

I did, and have been living off those with some extra help from my family.

he has significant savings.

Show quote history

He is a pitiful excuse of a man and should be utterly ashamed of himself!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/12/2025 18:59

He is an idiot to not help, you are pretty daft yourself for doing it a second time knowing how things were. The whole thing contributing to your divorce is a real shame for those poor children, but I’d divorce him too if I were you. Make sure you get a decent solicitor and don’t be nice to him about the finances.

Original poster
PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:56

Parker231 · 09/12/2025 18:54

Did you both not save to cover maternity leave and the additional costs of having another baby?

Show quote history

I did, and have been living off those with some extra help from my family.

he has significant savings.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 09/12/2025 18:54

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:17

He thinks I should have saved harder before going on maternity leave!

Did you both not save to cover maternity leave and the additional costs of having another baby?

LoveSandbanks · 09/12/2025 18:52

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:48

He also has two flats with tenants but as he got these before we got together, he thinks they are untouchable.

to be honest, I would like 50% of the equity of the family home we own jointly (not including his deposit amount) so I can put down a deposit on a flat for myself and the kids. I wouldn’t want to be greedy / difficult in case he uses the kids against me (my biggest fear).

Edited
Show quote history

I would take him for every single penny I could. Serves him right for being a penny pinching, selfish fucker.

He’s neither man nor father!

Original poster
PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:50

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 18:44

That is ridiculous that he let you go into debt to continue paying 50%. He chose to have children and any normal person would expect to have to cover the shortfall from MAT leave. He’s treating you like a housemate not a wife.

his thinking is that as he earns similar, he shouldn’t have to pay more towards my portion.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 18:48

Theyreeatingthedogs · 09/12/2025 18:46

He is an absolute arsehole. When you ditch him take him for everything you can.

He also has two flats with tenants but as he got these before we got together, he thinks they are untouchable.

to be honest, I would like 50% of the equity of the family home we own jointly (not including his deposit amount) so I can put down a deposit on a flat for myself and the kids. I wouldn’t want to be greedy / difficult in case he uses the kids against me (my biggest fear).

OP posts:
Theyreeatingthedogs · 09/12/2025 18:46

He is an absolute arsehole. When you ditch him take him for everything you can.

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 18:44

That is ridiculous that he let you go into debt to continue paying 50%. He chose to have children and any normal person would expect to have to cover the shortfall from MAT leave. He’s treating you like a housemate not a wife.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 18:36

Very honestly if divorce is on the horizon just stop paying and say you have no money any cash you do have keep or give to your family.

we earn similar amounts however he has a company whereby he takes dividends rather than a regular wage.

This guy is going to do EVERYTHING he can do dodge maintenance and as he isn't paye he can do a lot....so you should squirrel any cash and assets now while you can because I promise you he won't be looking to play fair when push comes to shove.

Use the money to get a good forensic accountant.