To expect financial support from my husband

Gossipisgood · 17/12/2025 13:06

Tell him you can't afford to be on maternity leave if he's not willing to chip in more. When he realises he'll then have to pay towards childcare if you return to work earlier, which is very expensive, it may have him rethink things. Or ask him to take paternity leave so you can return to work quicker & when his earnings drop don't offer to chip in extra see how he likes it. He should be supporting you throughout your maternity leave not stressing you out about finances. He sounds very selfish & grabby where money is concerned & doesn't see you as his equal in the relationship.

whitewinefriday · 16/12/2025 11:03

kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 10:44

I feel we’ve got massively backwards.
At least in the 70s and 80s it was acknowledged that you were in a worst position as a result of having children, That you needed the protection of marriage And the division of assets reflected that

Now it is expected that you will have worked full-time alongside raising the children and therefore if you have not done that you have disadvantage yourself. And only have yourself to blame for your lack of earning ability having been out of the workforce, Lack of tangible assets if everything is in his name, Pensions particularly fall into that category.

And the house will be split 50-50 because he has as much right to suitable accommodation as you have, Even if you’ve got the children most of the time. Again that stated over and over on mumsnet, it’s important people realise this.

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This is so true. how on earth did this happen? Equality is one thing, but biology hasn't changed and until men are having babies women should surely be given some recognition for what they're doing?!

kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 10:44

whitewinefriday · 14/12/2025 15:16

The implication is if you’ve raised the children you’ve sat on your arse doing fuck all for 10 years.
Nobody sees childcare as a valuable contribution anymore, Women need to wake up and realise that it’s your kid your problem.
Bear in mind before having one

Thats atrocious, I didn’t realise the courts saw it like that

I feel we’ve got massively backwards.
At least in the 70s and 80s it was acknowledged that you were in a worst position as a result of having children, That you needed the protection of marriage And the division of assets reflected that

Now it is expected that you will have worked full-time alongside raising the children and therefore if you have not done that you have disadvantage yourself. And only have yourself to blame for your lack of earning ability having been out of the workforce, Lack of tangible assets if everything is in his name, Pensions particularly fall into that category.

And the house will be split 50-50 because he has as much right to suitable accommodation as you have, Even if you’ve got the children most of the time. Again that stated over and over on mumsnet, it’s important people realise this.

laurajayneinkent · 16/12/2025 10:32

WTAF??
When I had 2 children with my husband and he was the stay at home dad twice (for 2-3 years each time) I paid for everything, and all money we had was in a joint account that he could use anytime he liked. Because marriage is a partnership and children belong to both parents. Childcare (and cooking/housework etc) are just as valuable as bringing in the income. Why get married and/or have kids if you are not both in it together? In my mind (and I know some people will disagree with me) all income and all outgoings belong to the family unit, not to one person.

InterestedDad37 · 14/12/2025 15:37

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:52

Thanks all. Apparently everyone he knows doesn’t contribute extra towards their wives/partner’s portion of the bills.

we earn similar amounts however he has a company whereby he takes dividends rather than a regular wage.

divorce is on the horizon for a host of similar reasons (I expect you get a gist of how he is / what a muppet I have been to date). Online form complete, it’s just growing a pair and finally clicking the “submit to court” button, without effectively ruining my young children’s lives.

Good luck, he sounds like a total arse
👍

whitewinefriday · 14/12/2025 15:16

The implication is if you’ve raised the children you’ve sat on your arse doing fuck all for 10 years.
Nobody sees childcare as a valuable contribution anymore, Women need to wake up and realise that it’s your kid your problem.
Bear in mind before having one

Thats atrocious, I didn’t realise the courts saw it like that

kittywittyandpretty · 14/12/2025 13:33

BellaBal · 14/12/2025 12:41

Bill him arrears for childcare!

These comments always make me laugh because they’re so ridiculous
When you get divorced and you stand in front of a judge and say that you’ve been raising the children for 10 years and that’s why your name isn’t on the Mortgage, they laughing in your face

One woman had actually an agreement with her ex that she would pay for everything else house and child related and he would just cover the mortgage and the judge told her that she was not equally responsible for the assets acquired just because she’d done a few Sainsbury’s shops I shit you know that was his exact quote.

The implication is if you’ve raised the children you’ve sat on your arse doing fuck all for 10 years.
Nobody sees childcare as a valuable contribution anymore, Women need to wake up and realise that it’s your kid your problem.
Bear in mind before having one

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 13:13

Agreed - it should just be common sense everywhere that a baby and all resulting costs are shared.

Hollyhobbi · 14/12/2025 13:07

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 13:04

I don’t know @Hollyhobbi and I don’t think that’s especially the point - you can research it. I have been told it’s the social norm.

Wish it was the norm here in Ireland!

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 13:04

I don’t know @Hollyhobbi and I don’t think that’s especially the point - you can research it. I have been told it’s the social norm.

BellaBal · 14/12/2025 12:41

Bill him arrears for childcare!

Hollyhobbi · 14/12/2025 12:39

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 06:42

Belgium, Sweden - I’m sure cohabiting couples do that here too, because it isn't fair if one person loses wages for a shared cause.

Is iit the law in these countries?

nutbrownhare15 · 14/12/2025 10:47

His rationale was that he was not warning any more. But you were earning significantly less. I'd be charging him for the childcare. What an asshole.

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 10:46

Absolutely!

whitewinefriday · 14/12/2025 07:44

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2025 06:46

If my DD came to me and asked for money to pay the mortgage whilst on mat leave because her DH wouldn’t contribute more, I’d be straight round to him and ask when the heck he was playing at!
All income is family income, all expenditure comes out of family income.
OP, if your DH is being a dick about family finances, then send him a weekly invoice for the cost of producing a child for him!

This!

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2025 06:46

If my DD came to me and asked for money to pay the mortgage whilst on mat leave because her DH wouldn’t contribute more, I’d be straight round to him and ask when the heck he was playing at!
All income is family income, all expenditure comes out of family income.
OP, if your DH is being a dick about family finances, then send him a weekly invoice for the cost of producing a child for him!

OptimisimBias · 14/12/2025 06:42

Belgium, Sweden - I’m sure cohabiting couples do that here too, because it isn't fair if one person loses wages for a shared cause.

FairKoala · 14/12/2025 05:50

Hollyhobbi · 14/12/2025 02:30

It's more important to be on the house deeds!

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If you are married why th children especially it doesn’t matter. The matrimonial home is matrimonial property

Hollyhobbi · 14/12/2025 02:43

OptimisimBias · 12/12/2025 13:01

@PoisedUmberCrab but he was living off joint savings because you’re married. There is no ‘he lived off his savings and you should have lived off of yours’. plus you’ve got two mat leaves.

if you actually had separate finances, AND weren’t married, he’d have had to pay you money during mat leave as that’s what happens in European countries when people aren’t married…

you do seem confused - and you need to fight for the best deal for your children. You’ve had two mat leaves..

What European countries does that happen in?

Hollyhobbi · 14/12/2025 02:30

Itsaknockout235 · 09/12/2025 17:47

Having children is a joint effort and commitment.

Your husband is acting as if the cost of having children is entirely on the mother’s shoulders. Did he say to you, before you went through the aggro of giving him children, that you were expected to cover all costs of maternity?

I see too many cases like this. I feel like men have taken advantage of ‘feminism’ and turned it round such that we now see cases of women having to pay their ‘fair share’ of all the household costs and 100% of costs relating to children: the maternity leave, the nursery fees, the children’s clothing. Oh, and while women are now having a career, they’re still expected to do all the household chores.

Please tell me you are on the mortgage.

It's more important to be on the house deeds!

Fulltimeworkingmummabear · 12/12/2025 20:00

Has your husband paid you for all the childcare you provided him with while on maternity leave that enabled him to continue to go to work and earn his full salary?

We pay our bills proportionately to what we earn since having children

OptimisimBias · 12/12/2025 13:01

@PoisedUmberCrab but he was living off joint savings because you’re married. There is no ‘he lived off his savings and you should have lived off of yours’. plus you’ve got two mat leaves.

if you actually had separate finances, AND weren’t married, he’d have had to pay you money during mat leave as that’s what happens in European countries when people aren’t married…

you do seem confused - and you need to fight for the best deal for your children. You’ve had two mat leaves..

AnneShirleyBlythe · 11/12/2025 21:31

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:40

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

I am so shocked at men who do this! You have carried & birthed his children & all that that entails & he is happy to let you get into debt while taking time off looking after those children! That is not the behaviour if a good man! Please make sure you start accumulating savings of your own as soon as you possibly can OP. He’s not a keeper.

Imisscoffee2021 · 11/12/2025 21:24

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:54

Yes married and joint tenants on the mortgage. He contributed the deposit and as a result has historically said that he wants the deposit back in full, and 60% of the equity as a result of his “investment”.

Doesn't work like that. My dad had 40% deposit contribuation and his horrible gf 60%, years later after paying 50/50 of mortgage she still claims to own 60% but it actually worked out as 51% her and 49% him after they get their deposits back. I actually took an extra yr off to be with my son as nursery was same as my salary, my husbands salary therefore pays for all and it all goes into our joint account no questions asked, as it should.

You're a team.

CleverButScatty · 11/12/2025 18:51

ScaryM0nster · 09/12/2025 19:09

You’re both daft to have got to this point without working this out.

Mat leave is either, a luxury for the mother, or a cost effective way of caring for the child, or a development and nurturing choice made by the parents.

In most of those scenarios, it should logically be seen as a joint cost. Ie. The lost earnings as a result of taking mat leave should be shouldered between the parents. In a similar manner to other costs.

So if you’re a 50/50 approach, then the lost income gets split 50/50 between you.

While he may not know others who have covered their partners cost, those same others may not continue to split general living costs 50/50 while one persons earnings are reduced looking after a shared child. They may pool resources and bills.

I hate when people do this on MN. Husband acts like an arsehole and someone comes along to tell OP that they're as bad as each other.