To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

She’s got it pretty easy hasn’t she?

But only you can change it - a conversation is needed.

It doesn't sound fair no. I think honestly the reason people seem to doubt this set up is that it's very unusual for the burden of work to deal in this direction, but whichever direction it falls this is uneven. You need to talk it through. I don't see why she can't wash up after you've cooked for example (your cooking sounds nice so I would want you to carry on with that) and that is not a difficult task is it.

If she is exhausted there may be more at play here emotionally and physically. Presumably you love her and don't want to cause conflict for the sake of it so I would just be very task based and practical in the discussion about chores and sympathetic about the tiredness/emotional aspect. It's still possible to do that and be clear about what you need.

On the face of your perspective your wife is not remotely pulling her weight in your relationship. There is literally no way I would consider having another child unless she starts to take on some actually responsibility in the partnership.

She honestly sounds like a spoilt child from the way you are writing about her obviously I don’t know her and your perspective could be completely skewed but on the face of it she is not a good one.

The getting extra shoes and a new outfit are fun things not necessary jobs either.

She needs a slave not a partner.

Practically, you are doing more. Buy it sounds like both of you are struggling with the setup in reality.

If she finds organising childcare taxing, can you take that on in exchange for her say getting the shopping sorted and put away plus whatever else you feels makes thus equal. And so on, if there are tasks you find particularly wearing, could you swap or maybe she xould take that on?

Then it sounds like she needs more planned, dedicated me time. For me, that's 1h at a coffee shop each week, at least 1 gym class and a long bath. That's only 3h total roughly but makes the world of difference to my wellbeing.

I think you do more, and more of your tasks are essentisl whereas some of hers are nicd to have. Organising a cleaner for example mostly takes care of itself. If she is stressed she can drop some more of the nice to have tasks like special outfit buying.

If you both think you have it worse you could always swap tasks for a month to give you a different perspective.

As pp suggest, writing everything you both do and the time it takes may also help.

Ultimately I'd put off another baby until this is sorted. It sounds like she isn't coping, and her way of dealing with stress is just to avoid doing any task she doesn't like, and this will all look a lot worse with another baby

If this was the other way round, and a wife was doing all this on top of her job, everyone would say “he’s abusing you. He needs to step up…” and on and on.

This is either a wife who is completely taking the piss, or it’s a reverse.

@Unjeffeson- if she’s taking the piss it needs sorting. All tasks 50-50. If she can’t cope with her job she needs to find a different one.

If it’s a reverse - same advice. He’s taking the piss.

The reason I ask these things is because there are a lot of things that happen that are not quantifiable, unseen, there is a lot of thinking and planning but it’s not really tangible if that makes sense? Your wife may be taking on those things that you don’t see.

In my opinion having a list given to us of mindless “doing” type tasks and just doing them is far easier than keeping on top of everything, planning everything and ensuring everything is planned out and nothing is missed (particularly when it comes to children’s health and education). She may feel she’s given you the easier mindless tasks so that she can get on with the stuff where getting it right really matters.

However when you say you take on the banking, insurance and planning meet ups with your side of the family on top of laundry, cooking etc. that does sound like you are taking on some of the cognitive tasks as well which probably is not
fair (depending on the hours and responsibility you each have at work).

It sounds like you both are struggling to cope with taking on two jobs, running a house and caring for children, I don’t think life should be a struggle. Is there anyway either of you could cut back?

For perspective, in my house we alternate night wakes with the kids, and sleep ins. He does breakfast shift with them 5/7 days and packs the lunches. I make the dinners 5/7 nights. I work a 4 day week (my choice), and do drop offs and pick ups 3/4 days. He tends to work 5-6 days, longer hours. I do the banking, laundry, insurance, household budgets & services, childcare arrangements, gift buying & clothes buying. He does a huge amount of child care work, and takes them to their classes / swimming weekly. We each take 3x a week for hobbies, and the other person cleans the house while that's ongoing (unless the DC need us).

In our house, I might have a slightly longer list and more of the mental load, but our free time is even. We work as a team, and prioritise time as a resource.

The next time she mentions another baby laugh in her face and say you are in no way suitable to conceive and raise another child. You are totally flattened by the first. No way! And laugh hysterically.

If she's not sitting around, what is she actually doing? Can you help her by swapping tasks? Or can you help her find a system that works better for her?

Gently you both seem like you're trying to do it all. A huge part of parenting multiple children is juggling, and knowing which balls you let drop to the floor and roll away. Your marriage is not a ball to drop.

Are you telling her you're appreciating her, complimenting her, organising date nights, doing nice things for her? She should be doing this for you too, but it sounds like you're both overly focused on tit for tat. One of you needs to break the cycle or you'll be headed for a resentful marriage and/or divorce.

That's interesting...

Yeah she's taking the piss

How many knots did you tie yourself into to make out op is in the wrong?
The op is trying to be fair to his wife. If op were a woman everyone would be saying her dh is a Cocklodger.

Do you get equal down time?? Your list kind of covers everything and makes it sound like she doesn't do anything at all. What is she actually doing, at the time you are doing all of these jobs? If you're cooking because you get home earlier/WFH and she's still on her way back, and then she is busy putting your child to bed while you wash dishes, that's not so bad, whereas if she's sat on her phone while you do it all that's obviously quite different. It doesn't sound like having another child would be a good idea, if both of you are already feeling like you can't cope with doing anything more.

Is she able to switch off at all? It sounds like she's a little (probably unconsciously) jealous you take time to yourself. Even if the time is available to her, she might not feel she can take it or be able to push herself to do it.

That can often manifest in relationships as resentment you're not doing more. Even if the 'more' isn't reasonable or necessary.

Instead of breaking things down by tasks and who does more, why not try to switch evenings on and off for two weeks? E.g. you get Monday and Thursdays for hobbies, she gets Tuesdays and Fridays. It doesn't matter what the hobbies are, they could be vegging in bed with a pizza, but there's no household responsibilities from 7pm to 10pm.

Is your wife also ND? That could have an impact on her views.

I'm also wondering how long you have been married and how the work was split until 2 years ago.

If you are doing more now but she did more for years then that needs to be taken into account. And you should be embarrassed for being willing to accept a situation where she was carrying most of the load, only changing when she insisted and now whinging about it.

Didn't mean erroneous but I've forgotten the word I did want. Difficult covers it.
I've done one load of washing for two of us today so I'm a bit stressed.
Got it arduous.

Oh, and do not have another child with her.

Is your wife buying loads of unecessary clothes and toys and then making out that is an admin/mental load?
Is "organising the cleaner" more than a 5 min job per week? Ditto medical and vet appointments.

I agree you need to express to her your concern about your ability to take on more, lay out collective tasks on the table and see if you can allocate better.
Or, just do a straight swap for a few months

It’s depressing how hard some posters will try to find new facts to put a man in the wrong.
Fml, this woman sounds lazy as hell and still wants less stress??
Suggest you swap chores/childcare/working hours for a week and see how she likes it then…

You need to sit down together, write down everything that needs to be done (absolutely everything) and then divide it equally.

You should also make sure that you each get the same amount of downtime. If you've got 4/5 hours a week to exercise, she should have similar to pursue a hobby/exercise.

It does sound like your DW either increasing or decreasing her work hours would improve the balance a bit. Four days is really hard because you often end up doing five in four essentially.

Sorry but his wife sounds lazy! She cooks 0 evening meals. Theres no excuse for this. Do not have anymore kids. I think you need to show your wife this thread @Unjeffeson

He does the shopping and cooking and clearing up afterwards. You're not seriously suggesting that his wife is doing the planning. I doubt that she is and if she is it's not exactly erroneous.
Who in there right mind plans laundry and cleaning. It sounds like op just gets on and does it.
His wife is seriously taking the piss.