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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

138 replies

Unjeffeson · 09/12/2025 17:27

Hi all, looking for unbiased outside perspective.

I (m40) live with my wife (f40), DD (3) and dog (f5).

My wife has been asking for me to do progressively more of the household tasks over the last 2 years, and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Currently my pile is as follows:

  • All meals
  • All meal cleanups and dishes and kitchen cleaning
  • All laundry and putting away clothes
  • All dog walks (twice daily plus evening poo run)
  • All bathtimes
  • All overnight child getups (typically 2/3 of nights - wife sleeps through these)
  • All nursery drop-offs and pickups, including prepping her bag
  • All household maintenance (anything physical)
  • All grocery shops
  • Management of our financial spreadsheet
  • Making sure plans go into our shared diary
  • Usual man-column tasks like garbage, garden care, car care etc.

In addition I run my own small business and make around 70% of our income, so have the responsibility of not messing that up.

I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation.

My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays, but this is entirely out of choice as we'd be a little financially better off if she went to nursery and my wife worked. (We split childcare 50-50 otherwise).

The problem is that my wife says she feels stressed at work and wants me to take on some more stuff to help her out. But I feel like my schedule is already super crammed and I'm not able to give the attention to my work that I'd like. I've got the chance to take on an extra client as well but she doesn't seem that interested in the extra money, just expresses concern about workload.

She also wants another kid and since she had an early miscarriage earlier this year (which did affect her mentally) she's very focused on fertility at the moment.
I am scared as to how another baby can fit into our world as I don't think I have the bandwidth for much more, and I'll need to if she's got a newborn.

So AIBU to think she needs to toughen up a little bit and split the work more fairly? Or perhaps go back to work 5 days to allow her more work focus time (her 4 day schedule is more like 4.5+ days of work)? I'm aware of the toll miscarriage can have and I haven't pushed back much so far, but it's frustrating me that her contribution to the household seems to be largely doing tasks on her phone and playing with our kid.

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:48

SJone0101 · 10/12/2025 09:46

I love this for your wife.

Long may it continue for her.

If it's unfair when it's happening to a woman it's equally unfair when it happens to man.

SJone0101 · 10/12/2025 09:46

I love this for your wife.

Long may it continue for her.

PinkElephants356 · 10/12/2025 09:44

lazyarse123 · 09/12/2025 21:17

He does the shopping and cooking and clearing up afterwards. You're not seriously suggesting that his wife is doing the planning. I doubt that she is and if she is it's not exactly erroneous.
Who in there right mind plans laundry and cleaning. It sounds like op just gets on and does it.
His wife is seriously taking the piss.

Show quote history

I’m not saying the tasks are equal here, but I think the unquantifiable, non-tangible things that just get done and thought about are often overlooked.

Overall it sounds like one of them needs to take a step back or cut something out because both aren’t coping. It’s easier said than done though!

Mokeytree · 10/12/2025 09:38

Organising vet visits taking in to account who is around on which day
Organising Dr appointments (does she do that for you?)
Organising vaccines for DD

Unless there are medical issues this takes approximately 10 minutes a year.
I can't remember the last time anyone in my family had a doctors appointment. Vaccines are not very frequent. Vets appointments not frequent.

nightmarepickle2025 · 10/12/2025 09:34

If someone else did all the pick ups, food shopping, laundry and cooking in my house I’d have so much free time I wouldn’t know what to do with myself… (and I work full time).

Mokeytree · 10/12/2025 09:32

sashh · 10/12/2025 09:24

So your wife does:

Buying all clothes and toys for your child, that means knowing when she has outgrown something and if she needs new shoes. Making sure the clothes are suitable for the time of year / weather

Organising vet visits taking in to account who is around on which day
Organising Dr appointments (does she do that for you?)
Organising vaccines for DD

Does she just organise the classes or does she take DD and stay with her?

Settles your DD at night
Has DD for a day on her own - what do they do together? Is that something she organises as well?

Who buys / sends birthday and Xmas cards?
Who remembers family birthdays / events?

Yes you are doing a lot compared to a lot of men but she is taking on the mental load.

Oh come on!
Talk about exaggerating the work involved there.

He's already said gift buying is split.

The only valid point there is does she stay for her daughters classes and if so how many hours does that take a week. Though I would then use that time to do the clothes buying at least.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:29

sashh · 10/12/2025 09:24

So your wife does:

Buying all clothes and toys for your child, that means knowing when she has outgrown something and if she needs new shoes. Making sure the clothes are suitable for the time of year / weather

Organising vet visits taking in to account who is around on which day
Organising Dr appointments (does she do that for you?)
Organising vaccines for DD

Does she just organise the classes or does she take DD and stay with her?

Settles your DD at night
Has DD for a day on her own - what do they do together? Is that something she organises as well?

Who buys / sends birthday and Xmas cards?
Who remembers family birthdays / events?

Yes you are doing a lot compared to a lot of men but she is taking on the mental load.

None of this is onerous and you know it. It's farcical to pretend it is.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:26

44PumpLane · 10/12/2025 08:41

Could you sit down and do the "Fair Play" deck/book?

I've seen it mentioned on here before and I think (not 100% certain) that it lays out all possible physical and mental tasks and you then assign who you think is completing each of these tasks in your household (if applicable) which then gives you the chance to understand what you each believe that you are doing versus what you each believe your partner is doing.

It might be that your wife thinks she's doing loads and that you're not doing much, and that by having it laid out there it will be more obvious. There is also the element of frequency - the task of buying the children's winter clothes is not the same as being responsible for 3 meals a day, the meals are multiple times a day every day. The winter clothing can be a once per year thing.

Then you'd discuss any inequities and decide how you're going to even up the deck.

There's been a lot of recent discussion about this deck and whether or not it's useful. It may be helpful in this situation but it's been pointed out a lot that the typical "wife" tasks are broken down in granular detail while the "male" tasks get one or two cards such as "home maintenance" and "DIY" which is obviously unfair.

sashh · 10/12/2025 09:24

So your wife does:

Buying all clothes and toys for your child, that means knowing when she has outgrown something and if she needs new shoes. Making sure the clothes are suitable for the time of year / weather

Organising vet visits taking in to account who is around on which day
Organising Dr appointments (does she do that for you?)
Organising vaccines for DD

Does she just organise the classes or does she take DD and stay with her?

Settles your DD at night
Has DD for a day on her own - what do they do together? Is that something she organises as well?

Who buys / sends birthday and Xmas cards?
Who remembers family birthdays / events?

Yes you are doing a lot compared to a lot of men but she is taking on the mental load.

Bungle2168 · 10/12/2025 09:23

What would happen if you refused to do some of these tasks?

Lazygardener · 10/12/2025 09:21

Yes, you do seem to have drawn the short straw. And as for buying presents online etc representing a ‘high cognitive load’, with respect, that’s nonsense. All the things you list are just normal activities.

Yamahahaha · 10/12/2025 09:21

PinkElephants356 · 09/12/2025 18:20

You say you do the meals and the shopping, can I ask who plans the meals and thinks about when to buy ingredients and what meal works alongside all your busy calendars?

Does she give you a list of food to buy when you do the food shop and does she plan when the food shop gets done and from what shop etc.?

Who plans when laundry/ cleaning is done?

The plans in the diary is this input into a diary or is this actually planning the contents of the diary?

Who does the cleaning? Who sorts out banking, insurance, utilities and all those things? Who plans holidays and keeping in touch with family and friends? Who organises Christmas?

Presumably the bi-weekly cleaner does the cleaning.

Bjorkdidit · 10/12/2025 09:20

WelshRabBite · 10/12/2025 08:36

What’s your wife’s working day like?

For example, if she leaves the house at 6am for a two hour commute and returns at 8pm, I can see why you’re doing the nursery runs and cooking dinner, but if she’s doing a standard 9-5, and work is 5 mins walk away, the split does seem uneven.

But the answer to that is she needs to adjust her working hours, not ask the OP to do more.

Doing little or nothing at home except bits of fun stuff is not acceptable, especially when both parents work full time.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:18

Unjeffeson · 10/12/2025 07:23

She doesn't just sit around, it's more that she feels overwhelmed doing the things she has taken on. She's practically on her knees at the end of each Friday when she has the kid. And she seems to find things like organising childcare or whatever extremely taxing.

I just don't really know what's normal in terms of physical tasks vs mental tasks. There's the whole cognitive load/default parent thing that women often say men don't understand, but I'm not seeing how it can equal the effort of household chores and executing logistics. Perhaps I am wrong though?

Show quote history

You're not wrong. The mental load gets hugely exaggerated. Buying clothes online, organising a cleaner and childcare and arranging appointments is not as onerous as doing all or the bulk of the cleaning, cooking and laundry.

Itsnearlymybirthday · 10/12/2025 09:18

You should not be thinking or trying to have another child if your wife can't manage with one and doing the little that she does now.
She may need to speak to someone as she may be unwell, or she may not be.

Eenameenadeeka · 10/12/2025 09:16

Unjeffeson · 10/12/2025 07:23

She doesn't just sit around, it's more that she feels overwhelmed doing the things she has taken on. She's practically on her knees at the end of each Friday when she has the kid. And she seems to find things like organising childcare or whatever extremely taxing.

I just don't really know what's normal in terms of physical tasks vs mental tasks. There's the whole cognitive load/default parent thing that women often say men don't understand, but I'm not seeing how it can equal the effort of household chores and executing logistics. Perhaps I am wrong though?

Show quote history

The tasks you've described her as doing, don't take lots of time though. So what is she doing, while you are doing the physical tasks? Where is she while you cook? And so laundry? Does she work longer hours or have a longer commute? From your description it doesn't sound equal.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:15

Icecreamisthebest · 09/12/2025 21:28

Is your wife also ND? That could have an impact on her views.

I'm also wondering how long you have been married and how the work was split until 2 years ago.

If you are doing more now but she did more for years then that needs to be taken into account. And you should be embarrassed for being willing to accept a situation where she was carrying most of the load, only changing when she insisted and now whinging about it.

He should be embarrassed about a situation you've made up because you want him to be wrong?

Mokeytree · 10/12/2025 09:13

If this is genuinely all your wife does then it's hardly anything:
My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays

I'd be tempted to offer to do the clothes buying in return for her doing all the laundry.

In all seriousness you need a proper discussion. You are doing far too much.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 09:12

lazyarse123 · 09/12/2025 21:17

He does the shopping and cooking and clearing up afterwards. You're not seriously suggesting that his wife is doing the planning. I doubt that she is and if she is it's not exactly erroneous.
Who in there right mind plans laundry and cleaning. It sounds like op just gets on and does it.
His wife is seriously taking the piss.

Show quote history

He's a man so he must be wrong. Enjoy watching posters engage in creative gymnastics to make him the bad guy is my advice.

Mincepiefan · 10/12/2025 09:10

I can't stress enough how relevant the recent ADHD diagnosis might be. How did this come about and how does it affect you? ADHD spouses frequently burn out, perhaps this is what your wife is experiencing?

ohthiscouldgetmessy · 10/12/2025 08:54

Love the way you put dog (f5) 😂

You are doing too much. I would write a list down of all tasks. sit down together and come up with an equal divide that will help each other out.

You have a cleaner, you could get a housekeeper, few extra hours do the cleaning, laundry and prepare evening meal.

You sound like a good man.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 10/12/2025 08:51

Yeah sorry your wife is taking the piss. How does organising Christmas clothes for DD equate to meal planning and food purchasing, preparing and cleaning up every single day several times a day. Plus doing all laundry. That’s the drudgery work and she gets the easy stuff and is still complaining?? Do not have another child.

44PumpLane · 10/12/2025 08:41

Could you sit down and do the "Fair Play" deck/book?

I've seen it mentioned on here before and I think (not 100% certain) that it lays out all possible physical and mental tasks and you then assign who you think is completing each of these tasks in your household (if applicable) which then gives you the chance to understand what you each believe that you are doing versus what you each believe your partner is doing.

It might be that your wife thinks she's doing loads and that you're not doing much, and that by having it laid out there it will be more obvious. There is also the element of frequency - the task of buying the children's winter clothes is not the same as being responsible for 3 meals a day, the meals are multiple times a day every day. The winter clothing can be a once per year thing.

Then you'd discuss any inequities and decide how you're going to even up the deck.

Pashazade · 10/12/2025 08:41

This sounds really uneven, she’s doing sweet fa, I do everything you do, plus what she does and I’m a SAHM so I’m not trying to fit 35 hours in on top of that. A proper sit down chat or perhaps counselling would seem to be in order, you shouldn’t be having to do all the meals, all the night wakings. She’s doing nothing useful for your daughter, unless your child has a medical condition, doctors appointments are negligible, buying clothes, please that really doesn’t need to be a difficult job, especially not at that age. If her job is so awful then something needs to change, certainly don’t have another child until things are evened out. Like others have said she’s doing all the fun bits. Certainly there appears to be no respect for you as an equal, depends how she talks to you really I guess. But no more kids until this is sorted!

WelshRabBite · 10/12/2025 08:36

What’s your wife’s working day like?

For example, if she leaves the house at 6am for a two hour commute and returns at 8pm, I can see why you’re doing the nursery runs and cooking dinner, but if she’s doing a standard 9-5, and work is 5 mins walk away, the split does seem uneven.