To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

Gosh, I think this is actually the first post I’ve seen from a man who isn’t asking us how he can persuade his wife to have more sex with him

You're not being unreasonable to think you are doing a lot of work around the house, but you are being unreasonable for this:

'I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation'

This is NOT an excuse to not take on responsibilities and organisation! How on earth can you manage at your job if you can't do this?

Imagine if wives trotted out this excuse.

This- OP your wife is taking the pics.
Go away for a few days and see how she gets on, she needs to pull her weight, you are doing too much,;don't have another child with her.

She lives a charmed life by the sound of it and needs to start pulling her wait.

I think this is the time when you hire out some tasks. You are doing more than enough and it makes sense you cannot take on more, but maybe she is at capacity too. We all have different abilities. Think about what you can outsource to make life better for both of you.

You sound incredibly organised and it's great that you manage to exercise as well. It's worrying that it sounds as if your wife resents this. Obviously the answer is not for you to stop going for a midday run or for her to delegate more tasks to you. It sounds as if she is unhappy in herself and looking for something to blame. We don't have enough information to know what might be wrong but I wonder if starting with a gp appointment might be an idea?

I think it sounds like there is something odd going on with your wife. She doesn't seem to be able to prioritise tasks and even the ones she is doing seem to place an excessive burden on her. It might need some digging and even marriage therapy to work out exactly what is going on. I certainly agree with you though that the current situation is not sustainable.

She struggles to look after your child for one day a week - how on earth will she cope with two? Another child is not a good idea right now.
Is there any chance that she is depressed? From how you describe her - the amount of stuff (however little it is) that she has to do is overwhelming her then she may have issues that neither of you are aware of.

Quite frankly if she’s struggling as things are now then she can fuck off with wanting another baby. Get a bloody vasectomy because she’s a lazy sod.

So am I, and that’s why we have one kid.

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and not coping with what she has to do well but is blaming this on you not doing enough rather than looking at herself and how she is handling things. Why don’t you propose a role swap for a week or two? She does all the things you do, you do all her usual jobs. Maybe then she will see how much you do compared to her and that it’s not the amount that you don’t do that is her issue, but the way she handles the stuff she has to do.

I don't think the person who cooks should have to clean up every time too. This all seems a bit much. Share who cooks the meals and cleans up at least.

Agree.

I would just add, whilst having hopefully compassionate conversations about this, it may do your wife some good to get off the screens (most mental load work involves them) and do one of the more physical tasks. Even just folding laundry and putting it away. To get out of her brain a bit. Variety is important.

Your wife sounds like she may have either MH problems or undiagnosed ADHD - just the talk about being overwhelmend and exhausted and finding it hard to manage what seems like much less cognitive work and organisation than you are (from you lists of tasks anyway)

You say you have ADHD, can I ask if this is something you have know about for a while and are you medicated? I ask because but you seem to have good processes in place to manage your ADHD symptoms. However even with all that your ADHD will mean that just making the effort to be as organised as you are will be exhausting. If you wife is undiagnosed (and maybe unmedicated ) then she will be finding life really hard. You both need periods of time to your self.

I think making a list as you have started to do here, of all the things that are being done in your houseold and by whom is a good starting point to have a conversation with your wife. She may well need to look at her own issues with organisation and focus

As to having another baby. Please don't, not unitil you are both feeling less overwhelmed with one or have a better sytem in place to deal with the workload. If you wife does have undiagnosed ADHD or a MH problem, adding another baby to the mix is likely to push you both over the edge

This! The double standards on here is shocking. The amount of posts where women say the same and everyone calls it abuse, but if it’s a man people are saying “I’d like to hear her side of the story” 🙄

Is the miscarriage a big factor? Did she do more before then? She sounds overwhelmed and she isn’t coping, despite minimal chores. I suspect that she’s struggling with her mental health and needs some counselling. Pushing her to do more might make things worse, but you can’t continue doing everything and she needs to understand this.

If she’s always been this way she just sounds lazy and she’s taking the piss.

This. With bells on.

If she's stressed already doing this little then she's either bone idle, has medical needs and either way the workload of another child will fall to you.

This is a good post.

Well. Do not have another child. That stood out for me massively!

I do everything you do AND do what your wife does - and I don't moan about it. Also have a disabled child. Your wife sounds hard work.

She's taking the piss OP. You are doing way more than 1/2.

I don't get how you've been able to list your "pile" it doesn't work like that in our house. DH works, I do most of the housework. He does cooking and some cleaning on a Sunday. He does bits and bobs around the house the rest of the time. If we're both working, we both just do what needs done when it's needs done. Divide and conquer. If it was yesterday other way round, I'm sure we'd be telling your wife to get you told to help out more so...yeah...she needs to help out more. Or change jobs.

I still haven’t seen the answers to how many hours your wife is out of the house for work, and whether she stays for your DD’s classes. Without that information it’s hard to judge who is being unreasonable, or indeed if it is a tale of two busy stressed parents who are simply not communicating well.

It sounds like you are doing a lot, but your wife can’t do stuff if she’s physically not there.

Are the classes essential? At 3 I would suggest possibly not, but if you both think they are important then can you take it on turns to take DD whilst the other one cooks dinner and puts a laundry load on.

Re the ADHD - the question about whether your wife is ND is relevant to your communication here and how you can make it work together. For yourself, what strategies and treatment are you trying? A recent diagnosis is a lot to take on board, but it’s more than a label. The right strategies and interventions can help you with your executive function, communication and emotional regulation.

She doesn't just sit around, it's more that she feels overwhelmed doing the things she has taken on. She's practically on her knees at the end of each Friday when she has the kid.

This is key, I think. Lots of focus on a numerical split of tasks between you both but the point here is that she's really struggling. You also mention a recent miscarriage, which of course will have affected you as well.

It's not unusual for one half of a couple to step up and take on more responsibility when the other isn't able to. This is what partnership is.

It's all very well saying that yes, looking at the list you've given, the split of domestic labour does seem unfair, but I suspect simply telling her to do more isn't the answer. You need a broader and mutually kind discussion.

Have you come across mental load?
Take a look at: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

For all those about to jump on me, note I've not suggested that you're complaining about having to pull your weight and I'm not about to either, but it's worth you exploring with your wife how much unseen labour she does. There are enough details in your post to suggest that there's more going on here.

This is especially true if she cares for, or has additional responsibilities and worries for, other family members such as a parent.

It would also benefit both of you for you to understand why she needs to do what you see as "unnecessary" errands. Like new shoes for your daughter - is your wife planning ahead here? Is she anxious about something?

For all those about to jump on me, note I've not suggested that you're complaining about having to pull your weight and I'm not about to either, but it's worth you exploring with your wife how much unseen labour she does. There are enough details in your post to suggest that there's more going on here.

Don't write off the possibility that your wife may also be neuordivergent - birds of a feather flock together and people who are neurodivergent often end up in friendships and relationships with other neurodivergent people. Neurodivergency on her part may mean she's overwhelmed from masking or suffering burnout. All forms of neurodivergency can make one more sensitive to sensory input and effect cognitive processing.

If I'm covering all possibilities in this post, then I should also ask - as someone else has done - was the domestic load unfairly split in your favour before you started taking on more and more? Not because of tit for tat, but because the history of your relationship could provide important context.

Finally, I will return to her mental health (and yours). In your own words she's "on her knees by the end of the week" and struggles to cope with what she does - this doesn't sound like someone who can easily take on more domestic labour right now.

She doesnt need to be neurodivergent to struggle with day to day tasks if her mental health is poor. Or her physical health!

If she's feeling emotionally isolated and unsupported, then that could be a driver behind her need for you to take on as much as you do.

I also think that seeing her decision to not work on Fridays may be unfair, it might not be a 'lifestyle choice' as you put it but because she (a) believes it's best for your daughter (b) is trying to stay afloat with her mental health and working an extra day will make this worse

None of this is to say that it's fair or right you doing so much.

You've both lost a baby and I'm really very sorry. How are you?

Those saying it doesn't like the right time to bring another baby into your life have a point, but she's a grieving mum and most women here will recognise the primal drive for children that some women experience on some level.

How has your wife been since the miscarriage? Did anything change after this?

What is your daughter like to parent? How easy does your wife find your daughter to parent? Who does your daughter gravitate most to? Not just for play, but when she's upset or frustrated.

It would be very easy to come here and reply that she's taking you for a ride or why shouldn't you do as much as you do given that women usually juggle all that and more, but I really do think there's more to unpick here.

I think there are unmet needs that, unless understood, could reallt end up damaging your relationship and love for each other.

Mutual love and understanding seems to be what's needed and some non-judgemental discussions to understand the struggles you're both experiencing, so that you can find a way to support each other better emotionally and practically.

Okay well you're not someone I wish to engage with then. You sound awful. Enjoy your hate.

Your wife sounds really lazy. She doesn't do ANY cooking or ANY laundry? Don't have another child with her unless things change.

I am actually a misandrist, so I absolutely think when we see this type of situation, it is wonderful.