To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

It's strange that you have separated out "major decisions" from "day to decisions", then dismissed the former as a non-event and decided that my husband is, in fact, doing the latter. He is not. Feeling solely responsible for major decisions matters more to me than the day to day ones as there is a material difference between deciding whether or not my child should have surgery and deciding what everyone is getting for Christmas. But they are all made by me.

FYI we are currently living in our fourth place in four years. If you can't understand that then you clearly haven't been subject to the current state of the UK rental market.

What does that have to do with how often you need to make those decisions?

Where to live and how much you can afford on a house was a one off decision. Maybe you'll reconsider in another 10 years, but it's certainly not something people have to think about daily or even annually.

Ditto with how many kids to have or where to send them. Those aren't ongoing decisions.

So while it's possible in the last 10 years you've had to make some major decisions, on a day to day basis you don't really make any more decisions than your husband. With the only exception current renovations, but even those, once finished will not be a daily or even annual decision.

A bit of both, I think. He's done the cooking since we first moved in together, and I definitely remember getting cross with him when we were about 25 because I was the one planning all our holidays, so there has always been a bit of a "thinking" and "doing" split between us.

But when we were younger and childfree the edges of it felt less sharp, as we had a much simpler life and there wasn't much to worry about. Having children has obviously given us a lot more time-pressure to get everything done, but has also raised the stakes of the things that are worth worrying about, as I want the best for them (we both do), and decisions that I make that could impact them feel much more important.

I also had a period of life-threatening illness a few years back, and he very much had to take on the burden of doing absolutely anything physical for months, as I literally couldn't do anything. I think that has solidified for him that his "doing" work is something valuable that he can do that gives a tangible contribution to the family.

The OP does the finance and calendar organisation as well though
It sounds like you have the much better deal in your original post as you failed to mention you have a full on renovation project going on.

Sandyhappypeople our dcs have long since left home.
We shared childcare too.
When they were pre school I did 90 per cent childcare and chores.
Then he worked 6 days a week
I'm a chef so I then worked Eve or weekend and he had the kids and cooking.Took him a while to get used to cooking as he is older than me but I persisted.
Life isn't perfect and I had to have a conversation about Christmas planning the other day.
They are his kids too so I insisted we shared the load.
He is the bin organizer and I hoover as he has a bad back and can't do the stairs and I don't have patience to see which crisp packet is recycling and which isn't 🤣🤣

I struggle to believe this is real.

50% of the people I have ever met in my life have been male. I can’t imagine a single one of them doing this much around the house.

You just sound like an average wife to me.

You do seem to be doing most of it considering your also working more hours
Your wife needs to be sat down to discuss this so she can either up her hours at work or do more at home my dh works more then me their for I do all cooking meal planning and finances washing and we split the house work so for example dh will do dishes and I'll cook dh does the shopping I plan it I can't get to the supermarket easily where he is right next to it for work I think you are sounding very overwhelmed with this situation and your wife needs to be told and I don't recommend you have another child

Has he always been like that or has it evolved over time?

We have a similar setup but I have to actively push against it at times or I'd go insane! I think when one person in the relationship is highly capable of making decisions, likes to plan and organise, and puts a lot of thought and effort into everything they do.. the other person can become complacent and lazy in regards to it.

My DH was getting to a point when I asked him to go shopping, he'd ask me to write a list of what we needed! To which my reply was, you know what we need, you know what we eat, think of some meals and get what you think. He is a very capable independent person too but he likes to languish in the safety of not having to make decisions as a default position at times, I refuse to make that my default problem.

The trade off with pushing the responsibility of thinking back is he probably didn't buy some stuff we needed, but over time as I've refused to go along with this 'write me a list' nonsense, he just gets what we need, I don't EVER complain about things 'not being to my liking' because if I want something to my liking I'll do it myself, or have input into it.. and I 'like' being able to offload that responsibility at times! Same goes for cleaning, laundry etc, household tasks, we both pick up and put down as we need to, both do it differently but neither complains about the other and it seems to work well

You don't have to put up with always being the one responsible for everything!

This has made me chuckle.

No one is perfect. He may be something of a decision-dodging man-marshmallow, but today he got up with the kids at 5:45, got them all ready for school/nursery, put dinner on in the slow cooker to make it easier for me tonight as he's going to a Christmas party, and had coffee waiting for me on my desk.

I suppose you could say that his love language is acts of service. Whereas my natural personality trait is to be compulsively (perhaps neurotically) detail-oriented. And over the years that has drifted into different "realms" that we take care of that has just become a bit too segregated, and overwhelms me sometimes with the sense of responsibility I feel.

And I struggle to communicate that to him, and to even articulate it properly to myself, as it seems so ridiculous to be complaining about him not doing enough when, as per the OP, he already does absolutely loads.

Ok she's either depressed or taking the piss. It really has to be one or the other. Do you have a gut feeling?

If she's not depressed (and don't take this lightly - postnatal depression can start a lot later and last a lot longer than most people think it can, and combining that with the MC, it's a strong possibility), then you need to sit down and sort this out proportionally. It isn't fair at all, and you're right that you're doing most of the physical legwork.

I would be very interested to know what possible excuse she has for e.g. not writing in the calendar herself, or not helping clear up after you've cooked? It's basic manners if nothing else. If all else fails I'd be tempted to go on partial strike - she's not dictating the recipes when she's not shopping or cooking. She also wouldn't be getting a laundry service from me if she never helped with it.

However, as I said, if she is struggling with depression then it is not unreasonable for you to shoulder a bit more of the burden in the short term while she focuses on getting well - but the key bits are short term and some actual focus on getting well.

Christ you do more than me and I’m a SAHM

Three young children, an ongoing renovation project for a house, and we both work full time in senior roles. Bold of you to pretend that I have any spare time or bandwidth to be taken up.

No, that's not it. The problem is that we have remarkably similar values. And he knows that I will do a really good job of putting the work in to translate those values into a plan for our lives, and he therefore has the ability to opt out of any responsibility for decision-making, any worrying about it, because he knows that the end result will still be really good.

@BayDock

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but why in the name of Christ are you married to this man-marshmallow, this isn't normal at all -

The OP has a super anxious wife who is also a bit idle, it's a thing - you seem to be married to someone who barely exists?!

Out of interest do you have a pre-school child in that mix?

Because IMO what you have said is absolutely bang on, and is how it should be, flexible sharing of responsibilities, both taking into account each other strengths and weaknesses, both respectful of each other's time. But if you have a young child, someone has to supervise them, feed, play, and constantly be with them as part of that setup, it needs to be taken into account.

So in a perfect world, while one person is cooking the other is with the child, then you would swap over, so the cook takes over the childcare so the other person can clean up after, most couples manage that perfectly fine, IMO everything should be 50/50 in life.

Problems arise when the person who cooks, doesn't see the childcare as their responsibility and/or doesn't do it solo, or they do it but half arse it so the child ends up going back to the default parent "they want you' etc", the cook 'expects' their partner to do 50/50 of the chores (that's fair right?), but they don't see the childcare as something that needs to be done too as part of a the list of everyday tasks (OP has already said he doesn't believe the 'mental load/default parent' dynamic really exists).. I've seen it in real life and it's that type of dismissive attitude to each other's time/effort that harms relationships.

Chores can be picked up and put down, and once they are done, you don't have to think about them till the next time.

Childcare is constant stimulation until that child is asleep.

If OP won't wade in to the childcare to let his wife have some down time every now and again, then I don't really blame her for giving him the same treatment regarding the chores. They need a proper talk about division of ALL responsibilities.

He says his daughter is three in his first post.

How is your post helpful?

Yes it would appear you are doing more.

Obviously, life isn't an equation and a totally even split isn't always 'fair', but it seems pretty clear in this case she needs to step up.

However it sounds like she is suffering from stress and anxiety and you some ADHD overwhelm, so you need to be v considerate of each other on this.

You need to sit down to discuss it, explaining to her that you are at capacity, if not a little over, and you need to find some better solutions together.

She really doesn't sound all that well, so she should see the GP re stress/anxiety and get a treatment plan in place, although of course fertility isn't helping. CBT can be useful for anxiety, but it does involve acknowledging there's a problem and doing some work on it. You talking on more so she does less and less will actually make it worse not better because her capacity will shrink.

It sounds like she needs some time to herself away from home and your kid - try and get her to talk about what she needs. And talk about what you need so she can listen.

You do need to convey, lovingly and calmly but firmly that the solution to her stress cannot be to ask you to do more, because you cannot take on more and need to maintain the business. Things like asking you to diary appointments she has made need to change immediately.

This is going to be a series of conversations, the first just to listen to each other, then talk about how you might divide work more evenly and outsource more, then to actually make a plan. Meeting monthly to review would be helpful.

Might you consider not working from home? That might help I think. It sounds like a real pressure cooker for you all. Also, where you can, spend a bit more to relieve pressure - physically going shopping is probably not worth the time and energy. Buying in some Cook frozen meals might be a good idea. Etc.

I’m married to an ADHD er and also find this interesting. DH would say he does a lot and I would agree. Except that whenever he does a deep clean of the toilet say, complete with, Viakal, bleach or his product of the moment, I still need to go in and dust the window sill and shelves, clean the mirror, empty the bin, change the hand towel and top up the soap and loo roll. Rinse and repeat for every task.

I would also like to know the wife’s perspective here.

I think you need to shelve the idea of another child and look for ways to reduce the household work load. Because if your wife can't cope and you can't take on any more, there's no earthly sense in adding extra work into the mix, and you need a solution where the burden is reduced not fought over by two people who both feel they are at their capacity.
I'd be taking a good look at the current work and streamlining it down to essentials only. Because some things you do may be possible to be shelved until a point in life when your DC take up less time. Some extra curricular stuff carries a greater cost in stress and work than it brings in benefit. Be ruthless.
Then consider if there's anything essential that could be simplified. There's loads of on line advice about reducing domestic workload by swapping out some meals for easier ones, using labour saving planning etc.
Then I'd consider if there was any help I could utilise or buy in.
After I'd reduced the burden to the minimum then I'd be looking to distribute it in accordance with capacity. Which may not be 50/50, because one of you may have greater time, ability, better health etc. The aim being a functional split that doesn't risk either of you becoming burned out by it.

I love the way you specify the age and sex of your dog and not your daughter. And without that little clue in brackets how would I ever have guessed that your wife might be female (f) ?!

If she thinks she is doing more and you are not doing enough -suggest that you swap your chores. From now on you do your wife’s chores and vice versa. If she is not willing to swap, then she does know you do more.

Well tbh, you probably do have adequate schools on most UK doorsteps. It's valid for people to not really care about those things. It seems like you married someone who just has different values to you. That doesn't make either of you wrong.

Where we will live with our family, how much we can spend on a house, what renovations the house needs v what we can afford, how many children we will have, what schools the children will go to, whether we can afford to work part time, what fertility treatment we will go through, what activities the children will do, where we will go on holiday, how much life insurance we need. Etc etc.

How often do you need to make these decisions? Most of these are one offs once a year or even once every few years.

How can you honestly pretend these decisions take up your time or bandwidth?

It's less that he would think a Good school would suffice, and more that he wouldn't let the notion of even considering a preference about schools cross his pretty little mind. God I would love for him to tell me that something would suffice.

You may have to accept that he may not think that all the things you think are necessary are priorities. For instance, you might think that living in an area with Outstanding Schools is a top priority. He might think that Good schools suffice.