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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

213 replies

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:41

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 17:05

I can understand being at your wits end with this op but I agree with pp it's not an appropriate punishment and meeting children's basic needs should never be weaponised and turned into consequence.

I would find an alternative such as zero tech for poor behaviour.

What support have you received to help manage her behaviour in light of her diagnosis?

I'd go up and say well done for going to your room when asked. What happened when you got out at sister? How do you think that made sister feel? How do you think you can make that better so you and sister can have a better relationship? Yes saying sorry is a great start, how could you handle the situation differently next time so you don't hurt anyone and you don't get in bother?

You're not just going in and telling her to apologise, you're helping her to build empathy and accountability and doing it in a supportive way. You're also not making it confrontational by forcing an apology you're helping her to want to do it by staying neutral.

Sidebeforeself · 09/12/2025 17:05

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:04

She’s down now anyway, she came down of her own accord and she’s back to shouting at her sister again.

Well get off here and get parenting

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:04

She’s down now anyway, she came down of her own accord and she’s back to shouting at her sister again.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 09/12/2025 17:04

Absolutely fucking not. What are you thinking?

CandyCaneKisses · 09/12/2025 17:04

You’ve abused your child. Dragging her upstairs and making her go without food is a disgrace.

gamerchick · 09/12/2025 17:03

No, you can't use food as punishment OP.

I also would go up to check on her as well and have a chat.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/12/2025 17:03

Poms · 09/12/2025 16:43

Withholding food should never be used as a form of discipline. It is child abuse.

This. Never do this.

TempNameForObviousReasons · 09/12/2025 17:03

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:56

They aren’t nosey buggers!! They protect children. In this case the family needs support before someone is seriously harmed

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They rarely protect children, in fact they can be a huge annoyance to children's services by making numerous petty referrals which are never going to meet the child in need threshold even if proven correct.

The social are then forced to divert limited resources away from severe cases in order to chase up families because their child has come into school with a dirty sweatshirt for the third time in a week.

snoopythebeagle · 09/12/2025 17:02

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:02

I’m trying to show my other daughter that I am doing something about her being hit.

But you don't do that by abusing your older child 😕

Sidebeforeself · 09/12/2025 17:02

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:02

I’m trying to show my other daughter that I am doing something about her being hit.

But you’ve already done that . No need to keep on punishing.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2025 17:02

Poms · 09/12/2025 16:43

Withholding food should never be used as a form of discipline. It is child abuse.

The only issue I have with how my parents raised me relate to food. It's never acceptable to withhold or insist food is eaten.

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:02

I’m trying to show my other daughter that I am doing something about her being hit.

OP posts:
snoopythebeagle · 09/12/2025 17:00

First you dragged her up the stairs now you want her to go without dinner? 😬

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:00

bignewprinz · 09/12/2025 16:58

Can you frame it like: 'well done for staying in your room when told to. Dinner is ready, please come downstairs now to apologise and eat'

?

The first bit is a good idea but she will not apologise and will melt down if asked but I will try the first bit.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 09/12/2025 17:00

Food should not be used as a punishment.

If dinner is ready you call her down

SnuffleTruffleHound · 09/12/2025 16:59

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:44

She has ADHD and ODD and every day is a battle and every day I set consequences for shouting at me hitting and screaming and she resists but I will not tolerate her hurting her sister.

Empathy is your way forward! And possibly do more research on adhd and other neurodivergence as you have a lot to learn. You will never win

murasaki · 09/12/2025 16:58

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2025 16:57

Yes, she is different, which means YOU need to learn how to parent her, you cannot go around dragging your 8yr old upstairs, leave her to go hungry and exclude her when she has ADHD and ODD. Those actions are cruel and actively work against her SEN.

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Agree, you need to learn to work with the disability not against it. That will get you nowhere.

InlandTaipan · 09/12/2025 16:58

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:47

I just want her to know I mean it because she never does as she’s told.

She probably does her best. Obviously you should punish her for hitting but an hour in her room plus apology to her sister should be the end of it.

I cannot see how withholding her dinner would do anything but make her behaviour much worse.

bignewprinz · 09/12/2025 16:58

Can you frame it like: 'well done for staying in your room when told to. Dinner is ready, please come downstairs now to apologise and eat'

?

Imanautumn · 09/12/2025 16:58

Give her a very basic not favourite dinner

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2025 16:57

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:54

I would say this too if I only had my other children to go by but she is different. You can’t reason with her she will scream over my voice.

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Yes, she is different, which means YOU need to learn how to parent her, you cannot go around dragging your 8yr old upstairs, leave her to go hungry and exclude her when she has ADHD and ODD. Those actions are cruel and actively work against her SEN.

Sixesandsevens67 · 09/12/2025 16:57

Please feed her.

Sidebeforeself · 09/12/2025 16:56

You are not making sense. She’s complying with your punishment so why would you want to punish her further?

DysmalRadius · 09/12/2025 16:56

What was the goal of sending her to her room? A chance to cool down? Engage in reflection? Punishment? Separating her from her sister? Sending her a message from you?

I think you have to decide what you want from this situation because withholding food will teach her that her behaviour (which will often be beyond her control) is so awful that she doesn't even deserve basic human rights.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:56

TempNameForObviousReasons · 09/12/2025 16:53

'Safeguarding Lead' aka nosey buggers. Honestly when did this job title pop up why can't schools just stick with teaching and keep out of people's private lives?

By the way, social services wouldn't be any remotely interested in a silly referral like this. Especially if the parent just denies it and laughs it off.
There are kids out there starving every single day, families at food banks all the time and some kids are sent to school with soggy jam sandwich and a packet of crisps to last the whole day. They just don't care about this sort of thing.
If a child is otherwise well nourished and the family is not on their radar for any other issues then this will be a 'closed' case.

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They aren’t nosey buggers!! They protect children. In this case the family needs support before someone is seriously harmed

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