To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

She can come down and eat some food at a table (maybe on her own so it isn'ta social event) and then straight back up to her room. No pudding though

Can you see how there’s no logic in your instinct to punish her further because she finally accepted the initial consequence? All that’s teaching her is that if she does ‘give in’ she’s even worse off…

You need to praise her for accepting the initial consequence (call it that and not a punishment), not escalate it further.

Complete agree.

Agree with what others have said about finding other ways to help manage the after-school coke bottle effect. Also, if there's any possibility she's PDA instead of ODD, maybe look into low-demand strategies. They helped us a lot.

You do not punish by removing a meal under any circumstances. Even those charged with multiple murders are given at least three meals a day.

I think you should call her down let her eat dinner and apologize to her sister.
It's important to teach children that when they are wrong there are consequences but she also needs to be able to show remorse and move on before bedtime.Remember she is only 8.

It sounds like she is really, really struggling at school and is melting down at the end of the day. Op, I don’t think she can help it, and she needs strategies to help her regulate. Why not buy her some headphones and put some music on? Or a run around the park before going home.

I personally would allow them to come down eat dinner in silence then go straight back up.

I can still remember being sent to bed early without and dinner by my Nana. I was 9 years old. My crime? I had just started a new school the day before and on this, the second day, I decided to come home because I didn't like the school dinners. But no one was in when I got home at lunch time and the house was locked, so I couldn't get in. I was found by the next door neighbours child of a similar age, who took me into her house. The mum made me a cup of tea, but didn't offer me anything to eat at all. I went back to school, and later that evening this neighbour told me mum and my nana dragged me inside, from where I was playing out. Embarrassing me in front of potential new friends. I was sent to bed with no tea and was really hungry because I'd had no lunch either.

I would try and talk to her and let her know you are a safe place to offload too.
I would also let her have dinner.

This. We bought ds2 (ADHD) a boxing bag and gloves for his room to work off his energy/angst as soon as he came home. They are not cheap, but it was a recognition that he needed something and he would go to his room to work out, leaving his brother downstairs. Then he could come downstairs for quieter activities/games.

He also would not ever go to his room as a punishment, unless I sat outside the room to ensure he stayed there, thus taking me upstairs and leaving ds1 alone again. The boxing bag meant he could and would use his room more.

It's not easy for you, I know. Lean on Mnet. There is a wealth of learning here.Others have walked this path before you and will have good suggestions for you to try.

She's probably complied because she already knows herself that she went too far and feels guilty.
Leaving her there are all night is very extreme, it's cruel and is more likely to breed anger than to have a positive impact on her behaviour. You should be having a reasonable conversation with her after she calmed down about why it's not acceptable and how it could be prevented in the future.

What does she find relaxing? Could you meet her with headphones and music? Maybe home and straight into the bath and putting comfy clothes on?

So the one time she does as you asked, you want to punish her further ? Make that make sense ??

It might be best to think about what you want her to learn from the experience. Praising her for doing what you asked might be the best start.

@soIsaidso the clues are all in your post. 'Just come out of school' 'hit sister' 'coke bottle effect'. You've bothered to go down the diagnosis route but it seems haven't educated yourself about parenting strategies. Your dd needs decompression time after school, ideally a physical activity like a walk or playground. Snack and drink. Minimise contact with her sister as far as possible until she's had the chance to destress. Adopt low demand strategies at home, pick your battles and use consequences where necessary that focus on repairing the outcome of the unacceptable behaviour. Model the behaviour you want, dragging her upstairs just mirrors her aggression. You have years of pain ahead if you don't put the work in to learn and practice what is much more likely to work.

My children don’t have ADHD but when they came out of school, their behaviour wouldn’t be as calm as normal. If you think about it, if it wasn’t home time at 3pm then it would be time for another playtime to run off some steam.

I would get my kids home quickly and offer them a snack and drink. School dinner portions were often very small (Reception and year 6 got the same size) so they needed a snack unlike weekends when they could last from lunch to dinner.

Your dd needs recognising that she went straight up and stayed there despite it being difficult for her to do so. She came down in a bad mood but she must be very hungry or thirsty if lunch was her last meal. Your younger dd knows her sister went up and knowing what kids are like, has probably moved on. Despite how angry you are too, you need to give dd1 the chance of a clean slate and feeding her will help create that atmosphere.

Ffs. Just take her some toast and leave her to it. You cant let her have nothing. Food was used as punishment on me. Guess how well my diet and views on eating are now? Or you could take her dinner up leave it outside her door knock on tell her its there and you expect the empty plate back outside the door when she's finished because you dont want to have her violence around her sister tonight. Then figure it out re what you're gonna do re her behaviour tomorrow. But starve her? Cos "shes already eaten today" seriously? Why dont you have one single piece of toast tomorrow morning, then eat nothing all day cos you already ate that day right? And you seriously "dragged" her to her room? Or are you being hyperbolic? Was that necessary?

This isn’t a dirty t shirt though is it.

Firstly I’d say you’ll get more helpful responses on SEN threads.

If your daughter is neurodiverse consequences won’t mean the same as for other kids. If they did, we could punish kids to stop them being adhd/odd etc.

My kid has some pretty similar challenges and can be a monster.

One time he did a very VERY bad thing and sent to room no devices all evening. I did bring him food though as starving a red line.

I will say he has never done such a bad thing ever again.

It’s the dragging too though whilst she is kicking and screaming so I imagine she’s putting up a fight at times. That is abuse. If school saw marks or she mentioned this at school it would raise a safeguarding and social services would help.

they need support - I feel for them as it’s tough.

OP you can self refer to social services and get some help.

She might enjoy that. Bring her down for dinner.

Have you tried experimenting with ways to help her to self-regulate? Maybe she needs some physical strong sensory stuff to physically push around and lug as soon as she comes out of school, or maybe she needs quiet, low light and sound?

Apologies if you've already tried everything under the sun!

But if this happens every day after school and you can anticipate it, what coping strategies are in place at home to help prevent the worst of the hitting and shouting? Of course she should not be hitting her sister, but if she is not in control of her actions, not able to self-regulate, then “punishing” her behaviour is not really ever going to be effective, because she can’t make the link between action and consequences.
Think of all the time spent trying to reason with her and trying to enforce consequences. Can this time be better spent researching some methods/tips for managing her feelings and behaviour after school?

@soIsaidsohow much support and education have you had around managing her ADHD and ODD? I think you need strategies to manage this. Clearly what is happening isn’t working and you are asking for help in the wrong place. AIBU is not the place to seek support for parenting your neurodivergent child.

What you are managing sounds really hard but dragging her around, threatening to withhold food and imposing consequences that are in no way relevant to what she did are clearly not helping and it’s making things harder for all of you I would bet.

Is she open to paediatrics or social care?

It sounds really tough, OP. Do you have a partner to help with the load? neuro-divergent children can be massively challenging, but there's always a reason for them kicking off - it can just be hard to find it.

Are you getting any support with her? Therapeutic parenting can be helpful - the problem is, accessing the support and advice. FWIW, my GD was a nightmare when she was younger (ASD and ADHD) but she's done well and calmed down a lot as she got older.

I agree with the other posters. Don't use food as a punishment. I can understand why you are at the end of your tether, though.