Page 2 | To secretly resent husband for this?

shouldntbeaskingthis · 2025-12-09T16:07:08+00:00

I am actually embarrassed to ask this as my DH is a lovely man. We have one child, conceived after about 2 years of infertility as I have a prolactinoma, and also- what we thought at the time- was "mild" male infertility. Our DC is the light of our life and we love them so very much, and the three of us really have a lovely life together. Fast forward to now, we have tried for several years to have a second DC but no such luck. We've had all the tests going, and now I seem to be okay fertility-wise (though admittedly I am 38 years old now), but my DH sperm count has now gone very low and much worse than a few years ago. I cannot help myself but to be very upset about this and I have noticed I kind of find faults with him (his appearance, not being sporty enough, receding hairline etc)) but it probably comes down to me secretly thinking it's his "fault" that we cannot have another, which I do realise is awful. We cannot really do IVF because of the prolactinoma (and the hormones that go with it, which could be dangerous to the tumour), the cost of it etc and adoption isn't an option either so really there is nothing I can do. Any advice on how to get past this??

Shiningstart · 10/12/2025 09:03

knottywig · 09/12/2025 16:19

When we thought we could only have 1 child, it was due to my husbands sperm having helmets on. At no point did I blame my husband. I did, however, go all out and spoil my 1st child. We were offered ivf but decided we were lucky to have even 1. You’ve said you can’t have ivf because of your prolactinoma, does your husband blame you for that, did he blame you first time round when it took ages to get pregnant not knowing if you could due to your prolactinoma? Readjust your thinking. You are incredibly lucky to have 1 child, if you can only have 1, focus on that child, not for the one who might not exist.

This is harsh but absolutely correct.

I have no children due to my husband being infertile. IVF failed and I have had to come to terms with never being a mother, despite me being fertile and able to conceive naturally if I was with someone else.

I will not pretend there wasn’t times when I resented having to go through ivf due to my husband being infertile but I don’t resent HIM, just his infertility. Which hurt his heart a lot more than it hurt mine that he couldn’t give me children.

If you love your husband and you have a happy life with your child then you need to get over this and be grateful for what you have.
Counselling is probably a good idea.

This is not me trying to take away from how you feel, infertility is fucking awful and you are allowed to feel how you feel, but do not let it steal more from you than it has to, it may take away you being able to have a second child but don’t let it steal your happiness at having one and a husband you love.

Original poster

shouldntbeaskingthis · 10/12/2025 08:26

Tumbler2121 · 10/12/2025 08:13

At the moment you are missing the joy of this child yearning for another. Just remember if you drive your husband away you could end up having your child 50/50 or less

Ouch. Yes, that's an excellent point. I might have to work on being a better wife....

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3luckystars · 10/12/2025 08:20

So there are loads of reasons, not just your husbands ‘fault’.

You have nothing to lose by doing more
investigating into IVF, it’s easy blame him but I get the feeling you are terrified to go through it all, and have a million and one reasons not to, that’s understandable, but don’t blame your husband.

Original poster

shouldntbeaskingthis · 10/12/2025 08:13

GreenGodiva · 10/12/2025 07:46

That yearning won’t necessarily go away, even if you manage to get pregnant with twins. I had 4 babies, very easily and by the time I was 28 I was DONE. Between 35 and 41, the raging hormones meant that I was a broody mess and I actually resented my DH for getting a vasectomy (a I got agreed with!). Hormonal urges and briskness is a very very strong natural instinct and mine just suddenly vanished one day and then the hot flushes started within weeks. I am so very very glad I didn’t have any more kids and I’m still shook by how my entire being felt controlled by that urge to have a baby ( even though I’d already had 4!).

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This is so interesting, that you were still broody despite having 4 children. Thank you for your perspective!!

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Tumbler2121 · 10/12/2025 08:13

At the moment you are missing the joy of this child yearning for another. Just remember if you drive your husband away you could end up having your child 50/50 or less

TMMC1 · 10/12/2025 08:06

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 22:16

He did go to urologist, tried expensive supplement, then some other supplements, loose boxers, acupuncture for over half a year so I can't fault him for effort. However he could drink less. Thing is that he had an operation in that area and it stems from this so realistically I don't know much it will help.
I think the real problem might be that I just can't seem to make peace with the uncertainty.

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You answered yourself. You are being outrageously unreasonable based upon this.

some people never manage to have a child at all. You have one. Embrace that and enjoy the time you are able to give and the added enrichment for that one that he/she wouldn’t get with a sibling

sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 07:59

@GreenGodiva I used to wake up many mornings in those years dreaming I was pregnant, it was quite relentless for awhile. Hormones can play horrible tricks with our minds

EmbroideredGardener · 10/12/2025 07:54

The most exciting bits are definitely not behind you! You have years ahead of watching your little one develop their personality and little quirks. While the newborn stage can be lovely, the real parenting journey is helping them to become well rounded adults. Sitting, having a discussion with your growing teen and still getting hugs before bedtime is just as magical as when their little arms are wrapped around your neck. It's different but no less wonderful or magical

GreenGodiva · 10/12/2025 07:46

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 20:03

Thank you for your reply.. I think you've got a much better way of looking at it than me. I adore my DC and would never want them to think they are not enough, but there's this yearning in me and I don't know if this will ever go away. Despite that I'm really afraid of possible complications with us being older now....it's all very difficult

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That yearning won’t necessarily go away, even if you manage to get pregnant with twins. I had 4 babies, very easily and by the time I was 28 I was DONE. Between 35 and 41, the raging hormones meant that I was a broody mess and I actually resented my DH for getting a vasectomy (a I got agreed with!). Hormonal urges and briskness is a very very strong natural instinct and mine just suddenly vanished one day and then the hot flushes started within weeks. I am so very very glad I didn’t have any more kids and I’m still shook by how my entire being felt controlled by that urge to have a baby ( even though I’d already had 4!).

Original poster

shouldntbeaskingthis · 10/12/2025 07:25

Thank you all..I've had a pretty rough day yesterday as it was the school nativity and there were plenty of new babies and I've just been really sad that I will probably never hold another baby of mine..that all the most exciting moments are probably behind me and that my son won't have a sibling . To those suggesting therapy, I've actually started a couple of times in the past, but I didn't find it helpful - it changed none of my feelings of not being quite done yet.

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NoXmasPudding · 10/12/2025 05:43

Nickyknackered · 09/12/2025 21:44

I mean, she's posting in AIBU. Not the place you ask for heartfelt replies.

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People with emotional intelligence can post with sensitivity, whatever the board. Being unpleasant isn’t compulsory on AIBU, however many seem to think it is.

Aimtodobetter · 10/12/2025 05:36

I had a friend's husband who had very low sperm count - in order to have their kids he was on drugs for a year to increase it before the IVF (they now have 2 kids) - is it worth looking into solutions for him instead of you? I do think you need to find a way not to blame your husband and to be happy about your one child though - resenting him is obviously not the right approach.

BellesAndGraces · 09/12/2025 22:53

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 20:11

Well I could technically do IVF but it's riskier with the prolactinoma. They would do it though. I'm just also really afraid of it and the emotional rollercoaster and I don't think I'd deal with it well. My DH is actually very happy with one child, I think he'd be just as happy with two,but he's very content and doesn't have the same longing. He's generally much more easy going and goes with the flow. I wonder if I have an early midlife crisis!

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Sounds a lot like it is your fault you can’t have IVF. Those in glass houses etc.

GravyBoatWars · 09/12/2025 22:52

Yes, your resentment is unreasonable. Others have pointed out why and I think you already knew anyways.

But we all have unreasonable feelings - it's part of being human. Having those feelings doesn't make you a bad person or mother or wife. The important thing is that you recognize "Those feelings aren't reasonable or fair. It's ok to have feelings like that but they're mine to accept and work through, not his fault or his responsibility to fix." This is the type of thing that a short run of counseling can really help with; it can give you a safe place to talk through those feelings without hurting your husband or marriage.

I also wonder if part of your resentment is actually because your DH has been able to accept your shared fertility struggles (I think this is the most helpful descriptor) and the size of your family and you're not there yet. Again, that's not his fault, but it's very normal and human to long for some company in our difficult feelings and to even feel jealous that they're finding the contentment we want to find as well.

singmoon · 09/12/2025 22:38

When you are angry at the unfairness of life, it is much easier to be angry at a person. Expecially someone intimately involved in the unfairness. That's my experience.

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:35

Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 22:26

Oh well if it's in aibu then I guess it's fine for people to twist the knife then since she asked for it.

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Agree! Why are people being so horrible to someone suffering from infertility, which is very, very hard and can have very complex emotions attached. She's presumably telling an anonymous forum this because she doesn't want to upset her husband in real life.

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:32

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 22:19

I think at my age (38) iui has unfortunately very low success rates....

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I think it's very hard. We both struggled when we realised it was male factor. DH was less bothered about having second child but hated the idea he was depriving me of one. We were super lucky and did get pregnant so there is hope. You still have some time.

I think you could also reframe it as maybe you both have some fertility issues (age for example). It's very hard but I think the strong desire does also pass once you age out of the age where you can have children still.

Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 22:26

Nickyknackered · 09/12/2025 21:44

I mean, she's posting in AIBU. Not the place you ask for heartfelt replies.

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Oh well if it's in aibu then I guess it's fine for people to twist the knife then since she asked for it.

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 22:21

Part of your longing maybe hormone related, at your age it can ramp up (even if previously you were happy with DC you have)

Original poster

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 22:19

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:18

Sorry cross posted! Would iui work for you?

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I think at my age (38) iui has unfortunately very low success rates....

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Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:18

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:17

Has he been making lifestyle changes? If he isn't willing to then I do understand some resentment.

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Sorry cross posted! Would iui work for you?

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 22:17

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 22:08

Thank you for your reply. We did try one quite expensive supplement that an urologist has recommended but only for 3 months - should have probably tried for longer really, might try this again!

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Has he been making lifestyle changes? If he isn't willing to then I do understand some resentment.

Original poster

shouldntbeaskingthis · 09/12/2025 22:16

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 09/12/2025 22:13

It’s not necessarily unreasonable as there are lots of lifestyle changes men can make to improve their sperm health, as well as supplements. If he’s not putting any effort in then you’ll no doubt feel resentful of that.

He did go to urologist, tried expensive supplement, then some other supplements, loose boxers, acupuncture for over half a year so I can't fault him for effort. However he could drink less. Thing is that he had an operation in that area and it stems from this so realistically I don't know much it will help.
I think the real problem might be that I just can't seem to make peace with the uncertainty.

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Bungle2168 · 09/12/2025 22:16

YABU. Your attitude towards your husband stinks. One day he will realize your disdain for him and he will leave you.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 09/12/2025 22:13

It’s not necessarily unreasonable as there are lots of lifestyle changes men can make to improve their sperm health, as well as supplements. If he’s not putting any effort in then you’ll no doubt feel resentful of that.