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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

184 replies

Workargument · 09/12/2025 14:29

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

OP posts:
Makingpeace · 09/12/2025 14:42

You want your cake and eat it, whilst not extending him the same courtesy. Relationships are about togetherness. What works for you both, together. Not - "this works for me so is the only way forward" which is the attitude you're putting across.

Besides childcare costs have a relatively short shelf life.

NewCushions · 09/12/2025 14:40

I think the language is a bit harsh but not abusive, but it sounds like the problem you have here is that what you both thought would happen and what you thought you'd both want, has slightly changed.

So right now, your life is great - you're happy enough in your house. Your job is enjoyable and your work life balance is good as you get 2 days a week to spend with your DC/doing other things. You're also not feeling a lot of financial pressure.

Meanwhile, your DH's life is a lot less good. He's unhappy with your living arrangements. He's working full time, and has the pressure of feeling more financially responsible. Made worse because he's not loving his job and is feeling frustrated as there aren't many options for him to move on.

What exactly do you think should happen here? Should he just suck it up and be unhappy because this is what you agreed pre kids?

snugasabug75 · 09/12/2025 14:40

The word abusive is thrown around to easily, when in fact it is something extremely serious that has dire consequences for people.

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 14:36

Workargument · 09/12/2025 14:32

My response to him is he knew full well before we had a baby that id not want to go back FT as I’d want to spend as much time as possible with DC yet he still was happy to go ahead

Show quote history

Things change, life changes.... we deal with it whatever way we can. Im annoyed your spitting out "abusive" tbh because you are not getting what you want.

airportfloor · 09/12/2025 14:35

The word funding is jarring but from his perspective he is not enjoying a job he must go to 5 days a week, then comes home to a cramped home. He’s tried to get a higher paying role to move but hasn’t got anywhere. Not surprising he’s looking at you to see if you can improve the family finances.

I’d try and ignore the funding phrase and focus on the bigger picture and discuss it. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to ask you to try and earn more.

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 14:35

Workargument · 09/12/2025 14:32

My response to him is he knew full well before we had a baby that id not want to go back FT as I’d want to spend as much time as possible with DC yet he still was happy to go ahead

Show quote history

Not wanting to and needing to to have a decent quality of life for your family are two different things though. Yes ideally you’d work part time if you want to, but it sounds like you need more money coming in (not uncommon due to the cost of living currently), and so you may not be able to work part time.

Original poster
Workargument · 09/12/2025 14:32

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 14:31

I wouldnt say abusive no. Hes pointing out that if you worked full time, you can have a better quality of life? Is he wrong? Why do your needs to be with DD trump his needs wanting more space?

My response to him is he knew full well before we had a baby that id not want to go back FT as I’d want to spend as much time as possible with DC yet he still was happy to go ahead

OP posts:
Overthebow · 09/12/2025 14:32

He has a valid opinion here. One person working part time only works in a relationship if both are on board, and he’s not. He’s resenting you working part time whilst he has to work full time in a job he doesn’t like. Could he go part time instead of you?

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 14:31

I wouldnt say abusive no. Hes pointing out that if you worked full time, you can have a better quality of life? Is he wrong? Why do your needs to be with DD trump his needs wanting more space?