Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

I think he’s being unreasonable although not abusive.

How terrible can it possibly be that you are two adults and one toddler in a house? Is the house really that small that that combination of people simply have to move?

I think if it’s sustainable for one person to stay home some of the week with a toddler, and that person wants to do it, then there’s a lot to be said for it. And I speak as someone who had to go back full time early on.

My bigger concern is that you’re depending financially on someone you aren’t married to though, as that can leave you vulnerable in the event of a split.

I don’t think that’s fair. If I am paying half the bills, why shouldn’t I work however many hours I want?

Both parties have to be in agreement for 1 to be part time or SAHP
he clearly doesn’t agree so I think you should go full time

Agree with this. Jumping to him being abusive is a crazy leap.

Unless you're paying bills 50/50, he has every right to not want to subsidise you. What makes you think you're entitled to him funding you being part time?

My DP doesn’t like me working part-time after having our baby either. My argument is I still pay half the bills so he can stick it.

Why don’t YOU change jobs to something more profitable that still allows part-time hours? Or get a weekend job so DC doesn’t have to be in childcare as your DP is home?

You are doing the right thing working part time with a baby. It’s so difficult to go full time and your baby needs you when so young. Just the best of the space you have x

Is there a medical reason you don’t drive?

I think ideally children shouldn’t be in nursery full time and it’s good if mums can work part time, but what are you bringing to the table here as it sounds like he’s doing all the childcare ferrying and an equal share of housework? I would expect the PT person to be doing the vast majority of the housework and the bulk of the childcare drop offs/pick ups.

You’re not married so he has no legal obligation to fund (and yes it is funding) you. Unfortunately he’s not happy with the agreement so you need to have a serious discussion about whether you need to up your hours.

I’ll be working 3 days and am lucky enough to have a cleaner, but I do almost all the washing and other housework, plus most of the nursery drop offs and pick ups. Me working PT is good for our little one and makes BOTH our lives easier and more enjoyable, which is why it works.

It sounds like he’s carrying a lot of the financial strain here - he’s not unreasonable to want to improve his lot in life. What he agreed to pre baby may look very different to him now he’s living the reality of it and it’s not unreasonable for him to want to revisit the arrangement.

it sounds like you’re actually being quite selfish - your life is great so you aren’t willing to change things and you’re happy to ignore the fact he’s unhappy. How can he think of taking a pay cut when you won’t pick up the slack? Could you get an evening job a couple of evenings a week? You still get your days at home with the baby that way.

This doesn't strike me as abusive. He is clearly unhappy with the current situation and has a right to express that it isn't working for him and that he feels it is unfair.

Is there any way both of you could work 4 days? Would that work financially?

well……if his unhappiness and your selfishness continues and he wants a divorce then you have to work full time won’t you

Another one here suggesting you need to learn to drive. Would open up the house move to area not so well linked to public transport (so probably cheaper) and also meaning he could be bit more flexible in his own job search.

Or you up your days to 4 a week and he drops to 4 a week?

I am intrigued how much his quality of life would improve with more space? Is your house really difficult. Its just I live in a house thats smaller than a lot of friends, but to get a house meaningfully bigger that my quality of life would actually improve would be a huge leap.

Are there some things bothering him in particular that make his life hard, like no parking or one toilet?

The risk is he still wouldn't like his job, he'd still still be out 5 days a week. It might feel more worth it to him it went on a bigger house, rather than on you spending time with you child, but i"d want to know he wouldn't be just as miserable but in slightly bigger house!

Could you as a team afford for his salary to drop to accommodate this? Otheriwse, just knowing that he 'could' means nothing, he is still effectively trapped.

Could you up your hours to allow him to drop salary a little and retrain? It does sound rather like you're happy for his quality of life to be thrown under the bus to facilitate yours.

I think if he wants to change job and he's that unhappy, you might need to compromie. Perhaps you increase and he drops down for a bit while he's training and trying to change.

I don’t think he’s being abusive, but maybe frustrated. He’s fed up with his job, and wants a change. I think what you need to do and have a grown-up conversation about future plans. ie. What you both want, and how you can achieve this.

Can you learn to drive to give you more job options? Get an evening job or weekend job to increase income (without having to pay for childcare)? Dh continues to look for a higher paid job? Or maybe continue as you are until dc is two, and then you get a full time job etc?

You work part time and don't drive.
It probably gets on his nerves.
Abusive, not at this stage.

Your baby is 16 months old and he’s already moaning at you to go full time - sounds like a dick OP. I’d be seething!

I don’t think he is being “abusive” at all. I think you just want different things and have to find a way to compromise eg you go up to four days instead of three. It sounds like he is doing all he can to try and bring in more money by looking for another job and he’s also pulling his weight at home.

Most of us would like to work less and spend more time with our kids but unfortunately it’s often not possible in the current economy.

Is you increasing your hours an option?

Was part time agreed with both parties after mat leave?

Does he think its good for a 16 month old to be in nursery full time?

Is he right that you'd be able to afford a bigger mortgage or rent or whatever if you were working more hours but also paying for more childcare?

What's the long term plan eg for second child or when funded hours kick in or when your child goes to school.

Will he pick up more of a share of chores and life admin if you increase your hours? Would him dropping a half day or something be an option?

I think this is quite nuanced. He also benefits from you being off a couple of days - presumably he does less housework than he would do if you were both working. I'd be annoyed if he agreed to it and is now throwing it in your face, 3 months in! Or if you get funded hours from 2 years old and are planning to increase hours then as surely he can put up with less space for another 8 months for the sake of your baby not going to nursery every day. Particulalry if it makes no practical difference at the moment to where you could live

On the other hand if you presented it to him as a done deal and he had no choice and you're never planning to increase your hours, and he feels stuck in a house thats too small and a job he hates while you are enjoying your time off with your child then I could see why he isn't happy.

Is he actually sure you could move if you worked full time? Earning more but also having higher childcare costs may not make much of a difference. Not sure if you’re renting or buying, but childcare costs would be taken into account when applying for a mortgage.