Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

Excellent point, is there any intention to get married OP? Discussions ever been had?

Reading your thread I would say that your quality of life is better than his. And he resents it. He doesn't enjoy his job. It's easy to understand his point of view.

Oooh, I've just read that you're not married. As I say on almost every thread like this, GET MARRIED OR GO BACK TO WORK FULL TIME. You are in a very precarious situation - if you split up how can you manage on your part time salary? Are you paying as much as he is into a pension - or is he at least topping yours up for you now? I'm always for parents keeping up with their careers as I've seen too many partnerships break down and one partner being totally shafted for money. Now, that might be part time working if you still earn enough working part time, but you absolutely don't have that luxury if you're not married.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. He clearly isn't happy with the current situation so you need to consider how this can be improved.

Did you discuss the housing situation before having the baby? What was said then if you did?

The issue with not being able to drive adds to his work day and stress, is there not anything closer or a nursery where you could do this instead?

I might have missed this but could you swap so you work full time and he goes part time and uses any free time to do courses?

@Workargument

Sit down and work out the finances of it on paper and show how much extra cash it would bring in re: childcare vs higher tax vs stripped back benefits (if any) and see how much extra cash it would actually bring in.

it’s probably not really going to make a difference in your finances re: house move if you are in a relatively low paid job.

Where you will feel it -
when kid is sick and you all have to take turns unpaid leave to cover it 5 days instead of 3,

• when childcare is unavailable due to childminder sick and you have to cover it 5 days instead of 3,

when you can’t have a family holiday cos all your holidays have covered the childminders holidays.

(the above reasons are why I favour nurseries over childminders but they are typically more expensive)

re: the house —- is it cluttered?

can you get rid of some stuff?

can you extend or reconfigure space?

is there a wfh part time solution you can look to pick up? Alternatively you may need to look at upskilling and earning more in your 3 days

It isn't abusive, it's goalpost moving.

DH and I had agreed in advance that we wouldn't be doing the 2 x FT working model once we had DC, and made housing decisions accordingly. In the end, we both were part time at various points, but it would've been a deal breaker if he thought a newfound desire for a bigger house should override the importance of our child having as much parental time in infancy as possible. Different if you need it to keep the lights on, of course, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Does he realise how little the household income would increase if you worked FT OP?

Who has the toddler the other day or are your work patterns different. You work 3 days, childminder 2 days.
What was your set up pre child? Did you pay 50/50 or proportionate to income.

Why not discuss it and look at house ls you might like to move to and what it would cost and if you can afford it. Also how can you improve your current house?

Can’t see the op going for that

Stop throwing 'abusive' about when its clearly not.

He sounds terrible.

Is there an option for you to retrain or upskill so you can aim for a more than min wage role.
He may feel differently if it’s just short term he’s subsidising you and there’s prospect of being able to move in a few years.

No sorry but you are a team and one of your is struggling. DH took a huge pay cut to get a better quality of life so I work more now (2 days a week to 4). That's the way it is. I would start looking for a full time or 4 day a week job

But Op isn’t paying half the bills, she’s paying proportionally

Depends who owns the house. If it’s his then op would need to leave and sort her own housing and bills. He’d just pay cm or nothing if they agree 50/50.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to work ft with your aged dc.

Life has become very expensive.

I have to say I think it is really wrong to suggest this is abuse, it really trivialises genuine financial abuse, which is horrendous. Unless there is a lot you haven't said here, this is a disagreement/problem that you need to negotiate together, but this is incredibly far from abuse.

Money isn’t everything and the house would be less crowded.

Why would the house not change?

I think the language he uses sucks but he kind of has a point.

He hates his job...his home environment sucks... he isn't having a good time and he is expressing it really poorly.

On a full time £25k pa I would be amazed if your salary means you covers the cost of the 2 x childcare... Will going back FT actually being in more money?

I think

• you need to establish if FT work actually increases your net income
• he needs to look at changing job so he hates work less (i was in an awful job and changed for a pay cut this year)
• you (plural) need to set up a budget and start savings goal for a bigger house
• you should start decluttering on the 2 xdays off (sell it on vinted add it to a saving fund to buy storage solutions)
• you (plural) buy some storage solutions as an interim solution and to keep the place more clutter free.

We did it by both working full time but both compressing 5 days into 4 so each had one day with DC and they went to nursery 3 days a week.

Money isn’t everything and the house would be less crowded.

Yes, that is one option. OP would be much worse off though.

Except he isn't very good at it, which is not your fault.

I don’t understand this argument & surely you can level this at the OP

He can leave and pay CM if he’s so unhappy. I’d have lost all feelings for him after the funding remark. I worked full time from when my DC was almost 3, but I treasured the earlier years when I only worked 2 or 3 days per week. Yes, the house was small. Yes, everything was secondhand. I’d LTB.

Bit of a straw man as it is irrelevant here.