Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

No woman and small child cluttering up the place.

Absolutely not abusive. And I think a lot of people will be upset that you throw that word out there.

Can you think of a compromise that you both will be happy with? Your husband sounds miserable, is struggling and you aren’t offering any change for him, hope that things will get better. Could you work 4 days a week? Or could you agree a date in the future (a year from now?) when you will go back full time?

I think it’s much more important for the child to have a present mother than the father has more ‘space’ at the expense of the mother and child’s wellbeing.

I don’t think both’needs and wants’ are equal in this case

I would probably hate working FT with a little one but many do as needs must . I would have nailed it down pre pregnancy that I wasn’t prepared to do that , however 1 more day may be a compromise ?
Are you planning a second / more children ?

If you’re only using two days of paid childcare surely it’s a no brainer in this situation to go up to at least 4 days to make full use of the 30 hours?

I can see that I am in a minority here but this would feel abusive to me. I just couldn’t stay in a marriage where what I did contribute wasn’t respected. It would make me feel awful.

He sounds fed up and it does sound like you are taking advantage a bit. He has a point that your not driving is an issue, it means he does it all, so you should look at that.

as for part time. He’s unhappy, you’re happy, you seem content to allow him to remain unhappy so you can remain happy. That’s not fair.

I don't think it's fair for one parent to opt out of fincially providing for their child to the best of their ability. Both parents should be striving to maximise their earnings.

I'd have zero respect for a partner that wanted me to bankroll them whilst they fannied around in an easy low stress part time role, when we needed extra money coming into the family to provide suitable housing.

He’s really got a point, but perhaps he’s making it badly.

The years with tiny children are short. And whilst you want to make the most of them you also need to realistically consider potential additional children, the needs of your existing children as they get bigger, and your own future needs.

Two parents working full time is very hard because time for life admin is difficult.

But I think you could easily look at 4 days. Yes childcare costs, but they’re temporary. You need to upskill too. And learn to drive unless disability prevents you.

Living in a too-small house can be really grim.

OP you need to be realistic and fair, and think longer term. I’m inclined to think you just don’t fancy working too much or too hard to be honest.

Are you married?

If you are you may be able to claim Married Tax Allowance.

I think it sounds like your husband is having a hard time and he’s taking it out on you. Partly because you are contributing to things he is struggling with (not being able to move because of finances) and partly because you’re an easy target. I don’t think it’s abusive but I don’t think he’s necessarily being fair. But unhappy people don’t always express themselves in the best way so as annoying as his language was, I’d try to discuss this as calmly as possible as he’s clearly v unhappy and the best approach is to be a team to fight the problem (rather than each other).

My first step would be to work out what the ‘bring home’ would be if your child went full time at this age. You should understand these figures so you know if it’s ’worth’ sacrificing the set up you are enjoying. How much would you actually have to save each month and what would the timeline be for moving if you went back in the next few months. What realistically could you afford in the near future and would this new property actually solve all his problems? Yes, living in a small place is tough but is that really it? I imagine the rejection/work challenges he’s facing make it feel easier to get you earning more (and clear you for not) than reflecting on his own anger/frustration/disappointment etc.

I would then reflect on whether you are staying home for you or whether it’s to benefit your DC. I felt very strongly about staying home for my DC and don’t regret it. It definitely wasn’t because I didn’t want to work full time anymore. I just prioritised what I felt was most important at this stage. If you feel similarly, I think it’s important to remind your DH that he is ‘funding’ your dc’s lifestyle and you are trying to do the best for her and bring some money home whilst she is so little. You are sacrificing a lot too in terms of income/pension/security for your DC and not because you can’t be arsed (I assume!).

I think you need to show understanding towards your DH feeling resentful and, if you have the maths to hand, map out what the timeline is for a move. You then need to weigh that up against the impact on your DC (only you guys as parents get to decide what is best) and when you would be happy sending her full time. Perhaps when they’re 2 or even 3, for example, so they get used to full days before starting formal school. If that’s the case, how far back would that set you re moving and are you happy to work full time once your DC is full time. These are tough things to discuss and it’s really important to try and avoid escalation to an argument. It’s okay that he feels unhappy and frustrated and it’s okay that you feel like you’re doing the right thing at this time. But you need to get to a point where you can discuss it properly, map out what the various options mean for you both and your DC and try to figure out a compromise that you’re both happy with. Just as he can’t just tell you to get back to work, you can’t flat out refuse to go full time without discussing the pros/cons and being open to his perspective.

Mmmn, so he doesn't want to get marreid because then he has legal ties to someone he clearly doesn't particularly rate. Sorry, that sounds harsh but.... it's obvious he's not happy and is resentufl of your work/life balance and inabiity to drive. And while I don't like that he sounds quite mean with it, I do have some sympathy here - you seem to have a much nicer life than him with very little compromise on your part, including not learnign to drive.

Financially things have changed a lot in a short space of time and money just doesn’t go as far. I work p/t & my dc are older but if we needed the money I wouldn’t hesitate to increase my hours.

You both seem unreasonable tbh. He should have made it clear to you that he didn’t want to ‘fund’ your lifestyle before getting you pregnant. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to want to spend 2 days a week with a child who’s not even 2 yet.

However YABU for calling him ‘abusive’ for not enjoying the reality of this as much. Also you not being able to drive is probably a massive burden for him. You really should learn to drive if you’re doing the majority of childcare.

Surely who worked for what hours should have been a conversation for before you got pregnant?

I think it’s just his ‘cry for help’ as well but not abusive. I think he sounds supportive and pulls his weight enough around the house. You just need to both talk it out when emotions are not high. He is clearly frustrated. You seem happy with being able to spend time with the baby, and part time work, not driving, etc. He is just feeling the load of it all and with this ‘cost of living’ probably not seeing the results of his hard work.
with the two of you earning under 100k each, will you not be able to afford for childcare funding?

Hope it works out for you. Just try and think of how he has supported you to this stage, and what you can also do to support. At times it’s just something as small as feeling heard.

Yea, that makes total sense. Your relationship isn't good, you think he's abusive and he pays for almost everyhing. It's too big of a risk for him to marry you.

That’s fair of him tbh. There is nothing for him to marry for if his intended is ok with him being miserable and takes offence at the reality that he is funding her to have a lovely lifestyle.

Something needs to change, because it is not ok for one person in a relationship to be miserable indefinitely so that the other gets what they want.

I don't think your husband is abusive he sounds fed up. Carrying or feeling like you are carrying the financial burden is really hard. It can make resentment build up. Plus he hasn't been successful at getting another job and he doesn't like the house. He feels dissatisfaction in lots of areas of his life.

Surely he knew he wasn’t happy with the size of the house before you chose to have children. It’s not abusive but I do think a child having time with their primary caregiver is more important than a bigger house. Even if you just hold off going back full time for a year or two

How is that relevant? Having a baby doesn't automatically entitled you to be financially supported by someone else. Im fully supportive of SAHMs and think they're making a huge contribution, but OP isn't married, and she isn't entitled to force her partner to support her working part time. He wants his child in nursery.