Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

I don't agree with this at all. He's not enjoying his job that isn't OPs issue and doesn't give him the right to be rude!. How many bedrooms do you have OP? How much is your DH taking home each month? Where exactly is his wage going?

Realistically how much would it cost to send the baby to nursery 5 days a week? I can't imagine that's more cost effective than OP currently working 3 days. He sounds like a red flag OP.

Wouldn't say abusive tbh I would say you need to up your hours

I don't think he's abusive no. Did you decide to work three days a week or did you cost it up to see if you could afford it? With the current cost of living, 50k is about 3k a month in a job he doesn't like with you bringing in another 1k or thereabouts. He's the higher earner but not a high earner and I guess the reality has hit him that as a couple your not going to be moving towards any new financial goals anytime soon and that life will stay at this level for the foreseeable.
I do think that not wanting progress yourself won't help the situation, if your not going to ever try move up the career ladder to be able to earn more money whilst insisting you work less I can understand the pressure is solely on him to do it for you all.
For me, a while back I was earning what you DP is now and my ex boyfriend was earning what you were, I have to admit he's laid back attitude to work and not progressing himself really grated on me

I know how they work, I use them myself. Not all providers stretch (ours don’t) so you’ll pay the cost in the holidays anyway. 22 hours is still more than two working days.

She could if he was up for it. But there is a discrepancy in earnings so it wouldn’t actually benefit him financially. And he isn’t longing for more time with his child, he’s longing for a bigger house.

Well the op can work ft and the father pt? Its funny there is talk of 'shocking a child shouldn't be in day care longer' when it means the mother doesn't have to work more and the father has to fund it

it sounds like you’re actually being quite selfish - your life is great so you aren’t willing to change things and you’re happy to ignore the fact he’s unhappy.

This.

I’d urge you to work together, if anything I think you’re the one being financially abusive, you want and need him to continue in a role he doesn’t enjoy, in a home environment he doesn’t like, to enable you to continue working part time, for not much more then min wage in a job you enjoy. It feels all one way and he makes all the compromises. I’d urge you to give, not make him do all the suffering.

I am sure she does but it isn’t just him she has to consider, it’s their ds.

I personally don’t think it’s in the best interests of children to be in full time childcare, especially not for one year olds. I do not think it’s terrible, or awful and no one should be upset by this, but it isn’t something I’d do if I had another option. Some nursery or whatever setting is fine but five days a week is a lot. If my husband moaned at me and made me feel bad for not working full time (especially for little financial reward) I would be pissed off and I’d resent him.

Toddlers aren’t a jolly; they are lovely but it’s hard work and relentless. No one with a toddler is sitting home with daytime TV on!

If you won’t increase your hours, could you stretch yourself by applying for better paid PT roles?

You sound like you don’t really care how he feels.

The problem is, if he hates his job and is working full time, the resentment will creep in. He will wish he worked your hours, even though that’s not possible. If you can, look at full time work and see if you can manage it. Think of the positives and give it some consideration.

So he’s happy for his child to be in daycare more just so he has a bigger house?
Yet another man who doesn’t see the value in actually caring for your own child.

How is it abusive?

If the OP was a full time CEO she would be criticised by PP for letting nursery bring up her child.

The OP isn’t complaining at her partner and making him feel bad for what he does contribute so I don’t see why he’d say the same thing at all.

What are the prospects of you getting a job that pays above NMW?

You say you don’t want to progress in your current role, but is that an option? A supervisor or manager role perhaps?

Would you, as other PPs have asked, be willing to work some evenings or weekends to earn more without paying childcare?

If I was your DP, I would resent you. You are keeping your life as cushy as possible, and he has to work a job he hates to pay for it. That might make me an arsehole, but it’s the/my truth.

I wouldn't call his comment abusive but he does sound like a right drag. You agreed a plan before you got pregnant so if he wants to put the deal back on the table he needs a better argument than 'wanting more space'. Children benefit from more time with a parent and these years are short. You are a family and that is the priority, not parking or hosting. It doesn't sound as if he respects your role very much.

Also, he doesn't want to marry you until you can drive? What's that about?

The 30 hours don’t work like that, it’s 22 hours a week stretched through the year, so basically 2 nursery/childminder days a week 8-6pm

Just gonna plop this one in here. Not every one is legally allowed to drive for medical reasons - can’t be helped.

not saying that’s the case here but it’s kinda a bit mean to generalise that all
mothers who do the majority of child care should be able to drive

He’s being unfair saying he’s funding you as are you not looking after your baby on your days off? You must be earning quite a high hourly rate to be better off after the cost of childcare if you were to do full time? Especially as the childcare funding is for only 2 days a week and your tax, NI, ?SLC and pension contributions will all be higher proportionately working full time, plus community costs.
I can’t understand how your house can be that small if you’ve just got 1 small child? Could you look into shared ownership or moving to a cheaper area? Up north if you’re down south?

I think you need to stick to your guns with working just 3 days but he also needs to be happy with his work and work/life balance. Could he change jobs, could he drop a day a week at least and then you wouldn’t need to pay for childcare for that 3rd day or would you be possibly entitled to universal credit if he worked part time in a lower paying job?

I vote YABU not because I think working PT whilst your child is so small is inappropriate but because you seem to want everything your own way to make you happy at your husbands expense in the longer term.

For example being happy in your “low demand” job and not driving whilst it appears he does more than his fair share around the home.

You talk about him re-training and increasing his income in the future but what about you? Do you plan to be PT forever in a low income role? Why should it be incumbent on him to be the sole person working to improve the family standard of living?

I don’t think he’s is abusive, just utterly fed up of what on paper looks like a pretty poor balance of responsibilities and fiscal planning.

I think you need to talk this through and think about how you can address this.

I feel you should be doing more around the home working PT and also agree about when/if you are planning on increasing your earnings when your child is a bit older and the impact of any further children on these plans.

I found it much easier to work more hours when the dc were pre school age, school age is harder in some ways.

But surely the partner could say the same thing?

@Strategies25 why does working more hours damage the child’s wellbeing? What about his wellbeing?

I don’t think having a bigger house so you can host his parents is a good enough reason for you to return to work full time. Why can’t they stay in a b and b or hotel?